Congratulations grad!

I hesitate to do this, because for all I know he's probably a nice guy. But I am in a foul mood, so might as well just fucking do it.

I received this e-mail yesterday. Feel free to just skim over it, I'll be commenting on it below:

Dear Graduate,

Congratulations on your achievement! As you prepare to embark on a new journey, after your graduation from the University of South Carolina, the Office of Student Government and I would like to be the first to wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors. With all of your hard work finally paying off, we urge you to continue to keep in consideration the Commencement Ceremonies which are fast approaching.

It is well known that the Commencement Ceremonies are important to everyone involved. There are certain standards that must be maintained in order to preserve the sanctity and integrity of this special moment. It is important that you remain present for the duration of the ceremony to avoid the confusion and disorder of early departure. Also, please encourage your relatives and guests to minimize cheers and shouts as your name is announced-your fellow Gamecocks behind you may not hear their names called during this once in a lifetime event if there is excessive noise. As the Ceremony should last no more than two hours, we do ask that you remember to offer others the same courtesy that you deserve. Together we can make this year's Commencement Ceremony the best ever!

I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this serious matter. Once again, congratulations on all of your achievements to date. I am confident there will be many more to come!

Best regards,

Andrew Gaeckle
Student Body President
USC Student Government

OK, let's start from the top. "Embark on a new journey?" Is that the best way you can describe it? And people wonder why I hate commencement ceremonies. It's because they are filled with this hallow language and bullshit.

Also: "I would like to be the first to wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors." Well, thank you. While you are certainly the first to congratulate me for graduating, seeing how I haven't graduated yet, you are not the first to wish me the best of luck in my endeavors. And considering what some of these endeavors are going to be, I doubt you'd want me to have very much luck at them at all. Because my first endeavor is to rip your e-mail in a barely read blog post. They'll just get worse after that.

Then, OK, to the business at hand, Mr. Gaeckle, the "Commencement Ceremonies" which you insist on capitalizing throughout, needlessly. What follows is corporate gibberish that boils down to: Stay in your seat through the whole ceremony, and don't cheer. What a novelty it would have been if the e-mail said that.

Instead we get: "It is important that you remain present for the duration of the ceremony to avoid the confusion and disorder of early departure."

And then: "...please encourage your relatives and guests to minimize cheers and shouts as your name is announced – your fellow Gamecocks behind you may not hear their names called during this once in a lifetime event if there is excessive noise."

I completely agree that people should generally STFU at these things. I would probably go if everyone promised to say as little as possible, but my guess is they'll have some speakers up there going on and on with gibberish of the kind featured in this e-mail.

BRIEF RESPITE: Yesterday I watched Cash Cab. One question was: What is the latin term that means "It does not follow." The answer was: non sequitur. We use the term, sometimes, to refer to a comment that has nothing to do with a preceding comment. Example, from WIKIAnswers: The electoral college is an antiquated system, so I think I'll go shopping.

Another example, from Mr. Gackckkel: "As the Ceremony should last no more than two hours, we do ask that you remember to offer others the same courtesy that you deserve."

OK, so this forces me to ask: What if they Ceremony were longer? Shorter? Would that then mean I should forget to offer others the same courtesy? Do I then not deserve the courtesy? Why is the courtesy based on how long the Ceremony is going last? And Why is Ceremony Capitalized?

"Together we can make this year's Commencement Ceremony the best ever!"

Seriously? It's a December graduation. I don't know who is speaking at it. These things generally are tedious and boring. Does anyone really expect this to be the best ever? Is this supposed to be sarcastic? I would be so much happier if this was sarcasm.

Finally, the last paragraph. My comments in ( ).

"I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this (SUPER)serious matter (Oh, yeah, this is life or death here, buddy). Once again, congratulations on all of your achievements to date (Of which you know nothing about, and trust me, they're limited). I am confident there will be many more to come! (From where do you generate this confidence? Because we go to the same school?)"

Thanks for the form e-mail, you've given a minimal effort to address a ridiculous situation and accomplished nothing.

Have a nice fucking day.