Bed...Bath...and BEYOND

Today, I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and I thought I'd describe the experience for you.

The store is located on Garner's Ferry Road, in the Target shopping center (that I'm sure has a name, I'm just not aware of it). Inside is, as you'd expect, full of all your bed and bath needs. I think the Beyond either refers to the Kitchenware section, or the assortment of Hannah Montana trinkets placed near the registers, in an obvious attempt to attract children as they wait in line next to their parents.

The store has an organized structure, although it's not immediately comprehensible. I saw signs for the aforementioned Kitchenware section, which had sub-headings like "utensils" and "cookware." Other signs, however, merely state the products' brand names, which were completely useless to me, and might as well been in French (Perhaps some were, I didn't have a notebook with me to record them). I think my ability to navigate this store in less than a half-hour bodes well for when I travel overseas.

The store is also quite cleverly designed. The high ceiling allows products to be stacked and hung well above eye-level, anywhere from 15-20 feet, which for most non-NBA players is unreachable. They also flood the aisles with little product booths. So as you walk around with your head cocked upward, you bump into these things, and apparently the effect is supposed to be one of, "Oh, look what I just bumped into, maybe I should purchase this item." I am happy to report the tactic was ineffective on me.

My purpose

I'm not really an impulse buyer, save the occasional pack of gum or peanut M&M's. So my trip to BB&B had three clear purchases in mind:

1. Lint Roller - I washed a pair of khakis with some new towels, and dried them together, so my pants had a thin layer of purple lint plastered on them.* Thus, a lint roller. And to preempt the questions, yes, I bought a purple towel, and yes, it is pretty bad-ass.

2. Dryer Balls - I'm never satisfied after I do a load of laundry. Always, the pants are too wrinkled, the shirts get messed up a bit, and just overall the dryer sheets I use don't reduce static cling enough for my liking. These Dryer Max Dryer Balls got a good write-up in The Gamecock**, and I thought the concept sounded cool. I was horrified when I got them that they had "As Seen on TV" plastered on the packaging, which made me think: scam. As you can see on the site, these are the same ass-holes behind ShamWow and Cash 4 Gold. This is so sad, but I hope they fluff up my laundry a bit, otherwise I'll be so disappointed that I actually bought them. I'm literally crying as I type this.

3. The third item was going to be bed-lifts. My bed is currently just a mattress atop a box spring, and I wanted to get that sucker off the ground. I was assured by my mother, who reads this blog so infrequently as to cause mental distress, that I could find some lifting device at BB&B. I did, but they were for beds that already had a bed frame, so: useless. But I did notice a large assortment of loofahs, and I remembered I wanted/needed one, so that became my third item.

People in BB&B

Around 90% of the items in BB&B can be picked up and/or smelled. The practical result of this is that everyone around the store is either handling or checking the odor of the thing they may buy. All around the store, everyone sniffing, smelling, touching, squeezing.

The men in the store look as clueless as I was. Only when they are on their cell phone, presumably with the wife, or maybe the wife's good friend, do their expressions turn from exasperation to a stern, quizzical look, as if they're solving a crime. One guy on his cell phone looked very serious. A little while later, I saw him and his son on the massage chairs (Beyond!), and he seemed very amused (can I say it was sexual, almost? Too creepy?).

The women are on another level, a higher mission, and one I'll never understand enough to write about here.

How it went

It's semi-difficult to find someone who works at BB&B while you're there, but not too bad. Once I did find a guy, he was very friendly. He took me right to the dryer balls, and even handed them to me. I can't imagine, though, being able to sleep at night knowing exactly where the dryer balls are. I think I'd rather not know.

Of course, this was after about four laps of the store, and I took about two or three more by the time I left. The last two laps I spent considering the different colors of the loofahs offered. I'm pretty sure they were all meant for women, so I had to pick the least womanly of them, for my mental health (which is, as you may have guessed, quite unstable). I can't just mosey up to the register with a pink loofah. I'd have a convulsion.

For the lint rollers, at first I had a three-pack that would have cost me $10, because it looked like the only one being offered. This was about two and two-thirds more lint rolls than I needed. Luckily, on the next lap (or was it two laps later?) I found the lint roller section, which was about three feet wide and twenty feet high. The Giant Roller was out of reach (I assume they'll see sales of these at all-time lows. I'm pretty tall and couldn't touch them with my hand). I bypassed the rollers that had pictures of dogs, etc., on them, and eventually settled on AMERICA'S #1 SELLING LINT ROLLER, the ALL-in-One, 50% STICKIER dry cleaner grade tape, evercare PROFESSIONAL LINT ROLLER, good for Clothes, Pets, Home and Auto. I'm staying true to the capitalization of the packaging for your benefit. It worked fine on the khakis. $3.99.

The register

Once I got to the register, or in line for the register, I felt like you must feel now: Thank God, is this thing almost over? So I stood in line and the lady in front turns and says, "Would you like some coupons? They never expire." I said Sure. "How many things do you have, three? Here's three coupons." They were each for 20% off, which meant savings of:

1. Loofah, or mesh sponge, $2.99 reduced $0.60 to $2.39
2. Lint Roller, $3.99 reduced $0.80 to $3.19
3. Dryer Balls, $9.99 reduced $2.00 to $7.99

That's a grand total of $3.40 of savings. Yes, I do feel like these coupons were wasted on me, but that's at least one drink at the bar I saved, so I'm not complaining.

The lady also asked the woman behind me if she'd like some coupons. This lady in front of me had an army of coupons. As I waited, I read them, and they did have an expiration date, but apparently that is ignored. The woman behind me said, I do have coupons, can you use more than one? "You can use up to five per person per visit," coupon lady said, as if trained. I have no idea where she got this information.*** Thank you so much! the woman behind me said, in that false cheery voice adult women like to use. The woman behind me had a daughter who was just precious. She kept asking, can I have just a couple of those candies from that box? Just a couple? And the woman was like, yeah, uh, no it's almost lunch time. Which spawned this note to self: Give my kid come candy if she wants it, dammit. Too cute. At least she ignored the Hannah Montana coffee mug/calendar or whatever it was. Anyway...

The woman working the register deserves a raise. She was working her ass off. Sorry for the wait, she said; I had waited like a minute or two at most. Plus I got coupons out of it, so really, no big deal. I swear if you told me this woman had four arms I wouldn't argue with you.

So that's that. No real big conclusions drawn here. The music playing in the background was Christmas music, which I don't enjoy. I remember hearing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," and thinking, uh, yeah right. But the coupon lady, and the lady behind me, and the guy who helped me, none gave me a reason to think otherwise. So, maybe it is.****

EXTRA STUFF YOU REALLY CAN SKIP IF I'VE ALREADY BORED YOU ENOUGH:

*Only of interest to those who have a grammar fetish. Why can't a single pair of pants be singular? Am I wrong that it's plural? It's weird: Take that pair of pants and put it/them on. I don't know. And I get paid to know this shit.

**Not sarcastic, really. Seriously. OK, a little.

***Rumor going around the office: BB&B coupons will expire, starting Jan. 1. Apparently this is news, and quite startling news at that. I didn't have the heart to tell the lady, though, 'cuz she clearly thought she was on top of that shit.

****It may be, if you discount the floundering economy, and the effect that will have on holiday suicides, which already is like the most popular time to off yourself. Happy holidays :)

UPDATE: As I'm not a prolific shopper, I was out of the loop on this. But apparently, two things: BB&B is common shorthand for the store (I thought I was being somewhat original). And they are legendary for giving out a hell of a lot of coupons, so that lady wasn't too out of the ordinary to have so many.