On graduation, or...

...Why I don't have successful chit-chat

As most readers of this blog already know (I salute you, loyal readers!) I recently graduated from the University of South Carolina.

Some have begun to ask me, "What's it like?" or "How do you feel?"

I usually answer: "Weird," "Interesting," "Scary" or "I don't know" - then sort-of stare at the person as I ponder my future and they generally get creeped out.

While all those answers are basically true (the last being the closest) I think the picture has started to become clearer.

What's it like to graduate?

It's confusing. It's lonely. It's disorienting. In it's infinite freedom it feels shockingly constricting. With the options full and vast, the lack of small choices and a set purpose is like the floor dropping out from underneath you and the walls moving away yet you cannot move. You don't fall when the floor moves away, you're merely suspended there, with guilt and fear that maybe you should fall, or that you can at any moment.

I think when I came to college there was some unconscious feeling that I would begin to be defined by my time there and that, at the End, that far away thing, there would be something tangible. Not a degree or a job but a tangible person, an identity and maybe even a direction.

I'm sure that over the years I've ruled out a few things; I've come to know I am not this type of person or I'm not going to be interested in this or that. But I don't know that I've been able to, in a sense, learn enough about myself to get an idea of who I'm going to be. That to look ahead to the next 15 years and where I'll be is to look back at the past 4 years and where they've gone. You begin to wonder if artificially significant events like a graduation will be a turning point, just like the artificially significant event of going off to college. School is that weird time where you spend all your time accomplishing things so that you can accomplish more things in the future. And a recent graduation affords you the ability to be suspended in time between your old life as a youngster and your new life as an adult. There's an inherent inconsonance there.

I think it's why my instinct is to run back to school. The safe place; the place I've known since I began knowing.

It's a weird, interesting and scary time.

(And imagine if I hoisted all of this self-absorbed existential nonsense on an innocent passer-by?)

Congratulations grad!

I hesitate to do this, because for all I know he's probably a nice guy. But I am in a foul mood, so might as well just fucking do it.

I received this e-mail yesterday. Feel free to just skim over it, I'll be commenting on it below:

Dear Graduate,

Congratulations on your achievement! As you prepare to embark on a new journey, after your graduation from the University of South Carolina, the Office of Student Government and I would like to be the first to wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors. With all of your hard work finally paying off, we urge you to continue to keep in consideration the Commencement Ceremonies which are fast approaching.

It is well known that the Commencement Ceremonies are important to everyone involved. There are certain standards that must be maintained in order to preserve the sanctity and integrity of this special moment. It is important that you remain present for the duration of the ceremony to avoid the confusion and disorder of early departure. Also, please encourage your relatives and guests to minimize cheers and shouts as your name is announced-your fellow Gamecocks behind you may not hear their names called during this once in a lifetime event if there is excessive noise. As the Ceremony should last no more than two hours, we do ask that you remember to offer others the same courtesy that you deserve. Together we can make this year's Commencement Ceremony the best ever!

I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this serious matter. Once again, congratulations on all of your achievements to date. I am confident there will be many more to come!

Best regards,

Andrew Gaeckle
Student Body President
USC Student Government

OK, let's start from the top. "Embark on a new journey?" Is that the best way you can describe it? And people wonder why I hate commencement ceremonies. It's because they are filled with this hallow language and bullshit.

Also: "I would like to be the first to wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors." Well, thank you. While you are certainly the first to congratulate me for graduating, seeing how I haven't graduated yet, you are not the first to wish me the best of luck in my endeavors. And considering what some of these endeavors are going to be, I doubt you'd want me to have very much luck at them at all. Because my first endeavor is to rip your e-mail in a barely read blog post. They'll just get worse after that.

Then, OK, to the business at hand, Mr. Gaeckle, the "Commencement Ceremonies" which you insist on capitalizing throughout, needlessly. What follows is corporate gibberish that boils down to: Stay in your seat through the whole ceremony, and don't cheer. What a novelty it would have been if the e-mail said that.

Instead we get: "It is important that you remain present for the duration of the ceremony to avoid the confusion and disorder of early departure."

And then: "...please encourage your relatives and guests to minimize cheers and shouts as your name is announced – your fellow Gamecocks behind you may not hear their names called during this once in a lifetime event if there is excessive noise."

I completely agree that people should generally STFU at these things. I would probably go if everyone promised to say as little as possible, but my guess is they'll have some speakers up there going on and on with gibberish of the kind featured in this e-mail.

BRIEF RESPITE: Yesterday I watched Cash Cab. One question was: What is the latin term that means "It does not follow." The answer was: non sequitur. We use the term, sometimes, to refer to a comment that has nothing to do with a preceding comment. Example, from WIKIAnswers: The electoral college is an antiquated system, so I think I'll go shopping.

Another example, from Mr. Gackckkel: "As the Ceremony should last no more than two hours, we do ask that you remember to offer others the same courtesy that you deserve."

OK, so this forces me to ask: What if they Ceremony were longer? Shorter? Would that then mean I should forget to offer others the same courtesy? Do I then not deserve the courtesy? Why is the courtesy based on how long the Ceremony is going last? And Why is Ceremony Capitalized?

"Together we can make this year's Commencement Ceremony the best ever!"

Seriously? It's a December graduation. I don't know who is speaking at it. These things generally are tedious and boring. Does anyone really expect this to be the best ever? Is this supposed to be sarcastic? I would be so much happier if this was sarcasm.

Finally, the last paragraph. My comments in ( ).

"I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this (SUPER)serious matter (Oh, yeah, this is life or death here, buddy). Once again, congratulations on all of your achievements to date (Of which you know nothing about, and trust me, they're limited). I am confident there will be many more to come! (From where do you generate this confidence? Because we go to the same school?)"

Thanks for the form e-mail, you've given a minimal effort to address a ridiculous situation and accomplished nothing.

Have a nice fucking day.