Notes on Clemson-Carolina 2008

I’ll address the Carolina football mess in quick hits, as anything that gets to be more than a few paragraphs has proven to degrade into a rambling mess of obscenities and obfuscation.

First, Carolina:

Smelley

Does not belong on a field wearing a Carolina jersey. Even if he had managed a late game comeback, it would have been like a guy who set the bomb being called a hero for evacuating the victims. All by himself, he made Carolina look like a bunch of idiots (which they may or may not be).

Adapting Suess, for Spurrier:

I will not start him here or there.

I will not start him anywhere.

I do not like that Smelley man.

I do not like him, Steve-I-am.

This season

Didn’t turn out like we thought, huh? The N.C. State, Arkansas and Ole Miss wins look better now, don’t they? Or is it that the Georgia loss and the LSU loss look worse? And Vandy? Two years in a row? We had a big opportunity here and blew it. Which brings me to:

Spurrier

You just can’t add it up. If you bring in an offensive mastermind to coach, you can’t have what we have now: The only thing worth mentioning in the past four years is a Lou Holtz-recruited quarterback having a couple of good games and a defense that, when given a chance, can look outstanding. Other than exposure, what has Spurrier done that another coach couldn’t have? Four years in and the only hope at QB is a kid who is either dumb as a truck or whom Spurrier personally dislikes. Either of those sound appealing? Is the need for a Darrin Horn-type hire not dreadfully apparent to everyone? Dissenting opinions, please.

Garcia

Damnit I still like him. Make the playbook like 10 plays (hell we used the same stupid sneak play twice against Clemson) and let him run around out there. Make sure his options read: Look for Barnes, then look for Saunders, then run like hell. OK, I’m coaching here. I don’t know enough about the game to do that. But I did sit and watch the game today and get depressed as hell.

Clemson

Everything about this team is ugly. The colors. The fans. The uniforms. The players. The field. Their stadium. That rock. The town. Their helmets. Their conference. If only we could beat them...it’d help make their record match the rest of ‘em.

Florida

They call it “The Swamp” because something is in the water. It’s probably chemical. The whole place smells like shit. I hate Florida.

Georgia

You ever watch these thugs play? It's disgusting. Their grad school is the state penitentiary.

Tennessee

Sucks. So does Lane Kiffin.

The only silver lining in the whole thing is that Dabo Swinney is more likely to keep his job. That's a good thing, I think. Because he's not very good. We should have been beaten by 60.

I remember thinking up a really good insult during the game that involved a horribly offensive joke, but I've forgotten it now. Maybe it's for the best. I'm not editing this damn thing because I don't care enough to, so I don't mind if a few names are misspelled, etc.

If I think up anything else, I'll add it.

And who cares about the bowl game. It's time for Spurrier (or whoever is next in line) to remember that Clemson-Carolina sets the tone for the whole season. Today is case and point of that fact.

UPDATE: OK, minor edit. Not that it 'sets the tone' but that as goes the Clemson-Carolina game, goes our season. If we beat them its always a little better and more successful than if we lose. Imagine a few scenarios by which we have one more conference loss and a Clemson win. Very few of you would not take the Clemson win.

I'm down on Carolina. I don't think 'it' is going to happen under Spurrier in the next five years. The change in attitude has not come. It may be getting worse. Metaphors about old dogs and new tricks abound.

UPDATE 2: It's hard to read, but Ron Morris is right. Some - maybe even most - of the players look like the don't care if they win or lose. Maybe they just want to get to the pros. Maybe they just want to hit the bong and go to 5 points. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe it's time recruiters started taking a hard look at who they bring in to Columbia. We need winners.

Have fun in the NFL, Jared Cook.

More thoughts on late night TV

Another thing that really struck me about late night TV was the advertising. It's terrible.

See, most ads these days are anti-ads, they appeal to you by trying to be slightly ironic. They know you know its a commercial, so they want you to feel in on the joke as they sell you their beer or sneakers, etc.

Late night TV is not that subtle. Late night advertising is like a hammer of obviousness to your face, with a dash of completely weird sprinkled on your corpse. Here are some examples:



Air Wick commercials. The one I saw had a frog-mother type. These here are rabbits. Notice rabbit-mother, forced to entertain for drunken husband-rabbit. See husband-rabbit hung over, and later, aroused by Air Wick scents. See useless husband-rabbit inable to get lights on the Christmas tree. And the rabbit has an English accent, naturally.

Most of the commercials on late night TV are geared toward impoverished people, old people and people with health problems. It's incredibly depressing to watch, because you feel like defacto members of those groups. There are also the commericals for the "chat" or "talk" lines which may be phone sex-related. You find yourself repeating over and over, "I'm not old, I don't need Mucinex, I'm not dirt poor, I'm not dying." Except you know only like half of those things are true (I am pretty broke, and we're all dying).

This is why I need at least 100 channels. If I'm forced to linger on any one channel for too long, I start to notice things like in this post and the previous one, and my head starts to spin.

Thoughts on late night TV

Spent some time watching television last night.  I only have the basic, antenna-reception cable, and it was late, so obviously: Conan.  His guest was X-Men star Hugh Jackman, who was on hand to promote Australia, the movie he did with Nicole Kidman and director Baz Lurhmann (all are Aussies).

So anyway, if you'd like, go watch his appearance on the show. (You can skip ahead).

Am I the only one completely creeped out by this?

The first thing they talk about is that he is 'Sexiest Man Alive.' And he tries to come off as a hard-ass, talking about his 'mates.' Then he whips out a wallet-sized photo of his People magazine cover, which he announces the audience will be lucky enough to have. The whole thing is odd. Maybe its only because I watch Entourage and think I know how this whole business works.  How these talk shows and magazines basically collude to pump up the fame and egos of these guys that star in hundred-million-dollar movies.

There's no real substance there.  He's faking it, whatever it is, and it comes off horribly condescending.

I'm not sure if anyone else is going to agree with me.  But the audience seemed to be just as bored and/or confused.

BONUS POINTS HERE: For Conan.  He tries to get Jackman (whom I like, for the record) to give an example of phrases that Australians use that Americans don't know or understand.  The dude comes up with, "Kick the bucket," which is so trite and American a phrase they made a sappy old-man movie about it.  Conan's response: Well, yeah, we know that one.  "Shut the door means close the door..." he said.  Nice.

And then the odd smuggling the buggie(sp?) thing, where he's basically like, "Hey, girls, let me talk about my kibbles and bits for ya, I'm sexiest man alive!" in that Crocodile-Dundee, my-knife-is-bigger-than-your-knife dick-swinging voice.

I hope this is not coming off as jealousy. I'm just offended by the canned questions and the obvious advertisements (more later).  And the awkwardness was palpable. OK basically this guy can act and all but his charm is so forced and faked he comes off like a boob. Like the complete opposite of Clooney. That's just what I think.

I still might see that movie, anyway.

UPDATE: If you don't care enough about any of this, you can skip ahead in the Conan episode to Tom Morello, performing Whatever it Takes. I wasn't even sure what to make of this song at first, but I think it's pretty damn good.  Watch 'til the end.

My stuff

As promised, here is a breakdown of my stuff*

*Clothes omitted because they skew the graph.

Best Week Ever!

Last week we had the most visitors to this blog since its inception.  Thanks to all 15-20 of you.

The next week or so will not be as interesting, I'm sorry to say.  With no internet at home, and only a few days of work (Thanksgiving), this blog will go relatively dormant.

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Sports

It appears we are heading into BCS controversy, with the 10-1 Sooners, Longhorns and Red Raiders clogging up the Big 12 South.  I'm not sure there is any way to rationally argue one team over another, except to say that Texas Tech lost major points by not even competing with Oklahoma.  But, then, USC only has one loss.  And if Florida beats Alabama in the SEC Championship, that will be two SEC teams with one loss.  It's a fine mess, but one that has made this season one to remember. (Unless you happen to be a Clemson fan, in which case this season has sucked royally.  Ditto Notre Dame and their Sweaty Coach Charlie Donuts.)

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Politics

Bo-Oring. Wake me Jan. 20.

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Other stuff

I organized my room the other day.  It was an odd experience, as I had all of my things strewn about my floor, organized according to their similarity (e.g., books, CDs, etc.).  Later I may post a chart of some kind to give you insight into my "Stuff."

The only reason my "Stuff" really had any special significance to me is that I've been watching DVDs constantly, as my house is currently without cable or internet.

And one of my DVDs is called "Carlin's Best Stuff" and features this skit, titled "Stuff"

And that's enough stuff for now.

Further readings...

It is with apprehension that I do this, as nothing on this blog identifies me by my full name.

So this is like an admission of who I am, which isn't worrisome now, as only a handful of people visit this blog regularly.  And, uh, it can be quite vulgar and brutally honest on here.  Anyway I'm always nervous putting things out there on the internet.

But, honestly, what the hell. Might as go for it.

So here are a couple links to stories I've written for other publications:

William Kristol stakes out the middle

This story will be published in a print edition of the Carolina Reporter, online for the Carolina Reporter and on the Web site of the School of Journalism and Mass Communications, where the previous link leads.

I could write another 1,000 words or so on how nervous I was interviewing Kristol before the speech.  It was just me, a reporter from The State, Kristol and the Dean of my college in a room.  Maybe I'll tell that story another day. (Like, after I graduate; or, after I have the damn diploma in my hand).

But anyway I wanted to give my impressions of the  event.  My original plan was to sort of list the (many) grievances that left-leaning folks have against Kristol.  But he surprised me with his honesty and straightforwardness (and intelligence - some have said he's a lightweight intellectually. I disagree. He may not be able to predict things worth a damn but he's no dummy). Maybe I was just overmatched, but I came away with much respect for the man, even if I disagree with him. The article as reported is meant to be my honest assessment of the lecture...not just what happened, but how it felt to be there.  I hope it's worth reading.

Next is an article on Krystal Webber, who worked for Joe Biden's Senate re-election campaign.

It's a short Q&A.  I was impressed with Ms. Webber, who was funny and engaging, but also a little more "on message" than when I had last spoken with her.  It was interesting how quickly she grew up while working for a high profile Senator. (Not to imply she wasn't grown up before, but when you are around politics a lot you understand the importance of being "on message," and it's a difficult thing to do without completely losing your personality. Ms. Webber had no trouble at all, and I think she has a bright future.)

She posted the article on Facebook, which I take to mean she liked it.  That's good. She got a bunch of positive comments on it from friends and family.  I wanted to do exactly that: showcase a USC student who we should all be proud of because of her impressive accomplishments.

That's all the self-aggrandizing I'll do for now.

Which Wich: delicious, evil

I thought of the idea for this post while consuming a few beers after one of those 14-hour work days that are becoming all too common (OK, well, I don't do 14 hours of work, but I'm at work for 14 hours, so the effect is ... similar).

Anyway I grabbed a Which Wich sandwich for dinner last night on a break from the job that pays me, and it was delicious.  But it was also evil.

Here's how the place works for those of you not in the know. You go in, and there are ten bags you can choose from, each labeled with a sandwich type (Turkey, Italian, Vegetarian, etc.).  So you pick a bag.  Then there are a couple of sandwich options on there (For Italian: Grinder, Meatball, Pizza, etc.).  You pick your sandwich option, using a red sharpie (provided).  You pick your bread (White or Wheat).  You then can check off all different types of sauces and toppings. (Oil and Vinegar, banana peppers, three different types of onions, mayo, etc.).  Then you write your name at the bottom so they can call it out when they're done.

OK, so then you give the lady your bag, she charges you and forces a fake smile and punches your frequent-eater card.  They hang the bags facing toward the preparer so that if you put a smiley face or a phallus or whatever on the back of the bag you can watch the progress of your sandwich.  This step can be skipped if it's not too busy, or you can do it anyway just for the hell of it.

UPDATE: Ok, I'm editing here, I added this at the end. I've used the word sandwich throughout.  Which Wich employees do not offer you the same courtesy.  The call them "wiches," which I suppose reinforces the brand name or whatever.  When they call out your sandwich and name, they say, "Hot wich for Steve," (if your name is Steve); it's kinda ridiculous when they're busy because it's like, um, I know what I ordered why are you telling everyone else?  I'll stick with the full sandwich throughout because I hate abreevs, u kno?

END UPDATE

Here's where Which Wich is evil. The damn sandwich is too small.  I don't know if insulting a sandwich's size carries the same weight as, say, insulting a man's package (two phallus references, one blog post, limit exceeded - blogger.com). It is true, though; the damn thing is smaller than say, Firehouse's medium, or Beezer's or Jimmy John's.  But it's toasty and delicious, and it's fun to not have to talk much when ordering and always getting what you want.

OK I've stalled on the evil thing.  It's evil because your instinct, upon your second visit and beyond, is to check off as much as possible when you're at the bag-scribbling part.  Sure, you don't really want mushrooms and bell peppers and oil and vinegar AND mayo and mustard on that turkey sub, but you're worried you will still be hungry when the damn thing is over so you overcompensate.  And it still tastes good, a little intense and weird,  but good (it's toasted, I've mention this before).

While your taste-buds are working overtime and generally throwing a raucous party it's your stomach that has to clean up the morning after.  Or, in the case of an overloaded Which Wich, it's usually about three hours later.  I don't feel the need to get detailed here, but you know what I'm talking about.

(It's the shits, btw).

So there you have it.  My review of Which Wich.

Want more restaurant reviews? Leave a comment. Pick a restaurant. I'll try to do it.

Jokes and jokes and...

CNN sets it up, and I'll knock it out.

Astronaut loses tool bag during spacewalk

What...did he leave Matthew McConaughey on the moon?

Ohhhh...damn...that's right....

Thank you, CNN headline writers.

Accurate driving

Basically, I'll try to impart an important idea about driving in this post.

The gist of the idea is this: Get out of my way.

But it certainly does not need to be that hostile.

Take this situational example. Every day I drive to work I take a right at the intersection of Woodrow St. and Devine St. What I like to do is turn right on a red light, because Devine isn't always that busy at 8:45 -- OK 8:52; I know, I'm usually running late. On most days this isn't a problem. But sometimes there will be an SUV, stopped there at the intersection, sitting evenly between the yellow line and the curb.

I'm trying to not make this sound too complicated. Move out of the way. If you are turning left, or going straight, get over toward the yellow line as far as you can. Put down the cell phone for 5 minutes and focus -- that's a big machine you're handling there, sweetheart, it would do everyone well if you paid it slight attention.

Same deal if there are two lanes.

Last night I was driving on Bull Street around the Elmwood intersection. There are at least two lanes that go straight. I noticed in my rearview mirror that the car behind me moved into the right lane. So I thought they probably were going to turn onto Elmwood. I moved over to the left, and what do you know, I guessed correctly.

To me, that's just common courtesy. It's the same reason I abstain from being an ass-hole for five seconds and let people cut in front of me when it seems the polite thing to do. Just a simple wave and it makes their driving easier, and because of that, mine.

Is any of this making any sense?

Drive accurately. Is that even possible?

I think it is. I think it should be taught in school, or something.

That's all.

BREAKING NEWS

From the newsroom at CNN:

Second Life affair ends in divorce

This pig. Thinks he can cheat on his virtual/real wife online? With a virtual prostitute! Rumor has it he has virtual gonorrhea now. Go figure.

Real kicker is the last line:

Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.

I think I know that guy! For more virtual fun, start dating online now!

This site brought to you by match.com*

*not really, though

What I won't miss

I'll be starting a news series here at I Hate, illuminating all the things I won't miss about the Bush administration.

Up first: People in important positions who like to wear cowboy hats.

Goodbye, all you John Wayne worshipping know-nothings. Thanks but no thanks to your applications for 2008.  If I see one goddamn cowboy hat in Obama's cabinet I'm just going to vote for Nader until the day I die.

A Special Comment

More here.

How it all could go to shit

Christopher Hitchens is a smart guy.

In this essay, he's hedging his vote for Barack Obama. He's a little queasy with all this happiness and history that's going on. He's thinking maybe we've all forgotten that our troubles haven't magically gone away (and by we, I mean the ones who are actually enjoying the victory).

And I have no trouble being in complete agreement.

I think Obama will make for a terrific president. Of the people who ran this time around, he was the best choice by far. But I'm not stupid, previous post not withstanding. I can see how all this confetti can turn to ash.

The economy is pretty scary, but I'm pretty confident. I think it will rebound after a few years. It won't be pretty, but I have hope that Obama will act out of the best interests of the vast majority of Americans. I think we can emerge as leaders in the new economy. We will because we must.

That's not what worries me. What worries me is the unknown factor: terrorism.

The Bush Administration deserves as much credit for the absence of an attack on America since Sept. 11 as it does for the letting 9/11 happen on their watch. Which is to say, very little.

Few people saw it coming; the administration's failure was our failure. Since that time, no other attack has occurred, while some have reportedly been thwarted. Credit is due, but we cannot forget that Bush has drastically increased executive power, installed a culture of torture and trampled on rights we used to think were quite important -- Habeas corpus? -- and American . And lest we forget, we've lost more American men and women in Iraq than we did on 9/11. So success is really a relative thing, here.

Anyway, this isn't a history lesson. This is how it could all go to shit. If by some chance al Qaeda or some nutballs with simpathies, etc., manage an attack on America under an Obama presidency, the reaction, I imagine, will be quite different than when Dumbo sat and read the children's book for 7 minutes.

To conservatives, this will be all the ammunition they need. Their empty lines about appeasment and terrorists and their insinuations that Democrats are just faggy wimps who can't stand up to big, bag Arabs might take hold.

This is a danger to any Democrat in a post-9/11 world, where Republicans have taken the issue of terrorism and made it into a campaign slogan.

I fear, though, that Obama's newness and his differentness make him especially vulnerable. I only hope I'm proved wrong. Because I believe that the way to peace is not by torture and bombings and wars of choice. But we can be a trigger-happy country when we're attacked.

After 9/11, Bush was given the ultimate blank check: With a 90% approval rating, he had the ability to take us wherever he would like. He chose where we are now, which was not only a giant waste but an insult to those that died on that day. He fucked up so royally that he's now below Nixon's lowest approval ratings, and his presidency is a joke.

I only hope that in the terrible event of another attack that Americans give Obama the same chance. If they do, I expect him to lead with boldness and courage and righteous conviction. If they don't, then his presidency will have been a blip of hope on a dark period in our history. And the crew Americans so emphatically rejected in 2006 and 2008 will slither back into power, desperate, hungry and with revenge on their mind.

For now, it's perhaps best to savor the moment.

I paid all this money and all I get is a piece of paper

I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired.

But I feel dumb.

Or, should I say, dumber. As in dumber than when I started college five years ago.

Sure, I probably know a lot more. And perhaps I'm a marginally better writer or whatever. Practice and experience always help.

But my brain feels like it's gears are ground down, like it's spinning and working and not really getting anywhere anymore.

This doesn't feel like wisdom.

As an anecdote, earlier I was trying to write about the gears of my brain. I kept typing "gears are grinded down." Like an idiot, I had to type grinded into this little dictionary program I have and it's all like, uh, hey dumbass that's not a word it's grounded.

So, stupid is as stupid does.

That's all I got for tonight.

Matt Taibbi hates the word blog

I'm not the only one.

Rolling Stone political writer Matt Taibbi, one of my favorites, now has a blog up. And his first post details how much he hates the word blog. How nice to know we're in agreement.

It's too bad he didn't start this earlier in the campaign. But if you like a guy who calls people on their bullshit, Taibbi is unmatched.

UPDATE: Here's an excerpt from his blog, in hopes it pushes some of you rather foul-mouthed commenters toward his site:

I’ll say this about Michelle Malkin: she has a future in this business. I see her replacing Ann Coulter in that right-wing dipshit hierarchy. The last few times I’ve seen Coulter on TV, I haven’t been able to take my eyes off her Adam’s apple. By 2012 she’s going to be doing ping-pong ball acts at drag clubs in Reno. Malkin, though, she’s hardworking, dumb, and shameless, just like Sarah Palin, who I think has a big future four years from now. So get ready for more of this stuff. It’s only just started and they’ve got four long years of target practice coming.

The post-election wrap up post

Wow.

What a night.

We may not know the final numbers for a few days, but by all accounts it was a huge day for Obama. He was right about where I thought in the popular vote (a resounding mandate for change) and he even picked up Indiana, which I thought would go to McCain by a few points. It appears late-breakers didn't flock to McCain, which is quite surprising but also very satisfying.

Once N.C. shakes out, I think it will be in Obama's column, which will bring his E.C. total to 364, right around where Bill Clinton was when he won in 1992.

I won't expound on this significance of this, or lament the shameful reactions of some right-leaning simpletons on Facebook. The former is beyond words in many ways, the latter isn't worth the energy. This is an exciting time in the history of our country.

The Democrats didn't sweep to 60 Senate seats, which is just as well. The focus on a filibuster-proof majority was misplaced anyway. Already we are seeing Obama call for cooperation and bipartisanship, with the possibility of filling his cabinet with members of the opposing party (like Lincoln). And he's talking about solving problems, not creating new ones. Unlike the White House's current occupant, I believe Obama will deliver on this promise.

McCain was exceptionally gracious in defeat, and I hope he will return to the Senate with the same passion and vigor he had before the campaign started.

Around the country:

• Prop 8 passed, banning gay marriage in California.  A dark cloud on a sunny day. Eventually, all of these discriminatory laws will get written off the books.  It just is going to take a while longer now.
  
• There was less than 1,000 votes difference between Norm Coleman and Al Franken in Minnesota, and a recount has been triggered (I think). Still, I doubt Franken will win, as he's behind right now.  That's too bad -- he would have been the most entertaining and intelligent Senators in a long time.
• Kay Hagen won despite a despicable ad that tried to paint her as an atheist, despite the fact she used to run a Sunday school.  I'm glad the N.C. voters rejected that kind of dirty politics.
• Alaska voted in Sen. Ted Stevens to another term despite his being convicted recently. Usually I would say something like, "All Alaskans have the intellect of their governor." But I think this just speaks to how huge Stevens is in Alaska.  He's like their George Washington.  I don't expect him to be in the Senate, which is a victory for the Internet. But it would have been nice to get a Democrat in there.

Obama!

There may be nothing more boring than waiting in line for a half hour to punch a few buttons on a screen.

But damn that was a lot of fun.

Results to come!

Now taking orders

OK, so while visits to my blog are as frequent as ever (thanks to all 15 of you, and some random hit I got from China), I've noticed a lack of comments, which must mean that I'm boring you with election nonsense that you couldn't care less about.

Fair enough.

I figured that I could have at least these past couple days devoted to the election seeing how it is tomorrow. And I'm sure to have a few post-election posts that your eyes will glaze over. But let's focus on the future a little. As in my future.

Because I've spent countless hours on this election the past year, and so now what am I going to do? I need a hobby. What are some cool sites to visit on the internet? What's a good way to waste time?

Is there anything you all would really love me to write about? More hating or less hating? (Too bad, it's probably going to be more).

Anyway, drop a comment, and I'll preempt the obvious attempt: don't offer some sort of woman-horse action Web site, please (man-goat acceptable).

Election widget

I like...

...this short blog post by George Packer. It sort of gets at why I'm a liberal and why, in many ways, conservatism just doesn't make sense to me.

Fuck Joe the Plumber

I can't wait until McCain loses and this self-serving hack goes away forever.

Go stick your nose in a shit-filled toilet and keep your idiotic thoughts to yourself.

How's he paying the bills running around the country questioning Obama's loyalty to the country and saying a vote for Obama means the destruction of Israel?

He isn't plumbing that's for sure.

So let's cut the bullshit, thank you.

McCain-Palin 2008: because you might just be dumb enough to vote for us.