Thoughts on late night TV

Spent some time watching television last night.  I only have the basic, antenna-reception cable, and it was late, so obviously: Conan.  His guest was X-Men star Hugh Jackman, who was on hand to promote Australia, the movie he did with Nicole Kidman and director Baz Lurhmann (all are Aussies).

So anyway, if you'd like, go watch his appearance on the show. (You can skip ahead).

Am I the only one completely creeped out by this?

The first thing they talk about is that he is 'Sexiest Man Alive.' And he tries to come off as a hard-ass, talking about his 'mates.' Then he whips out a wallet-sized photo of his People magazine cover, which he announces the audience will be lucky enough to have. The whole thing is odd. Maybe its only because I watch Entourage and think I know how this whole business works.  How these talk shows and magazines basically collude to pump up the fame and egos of these guys that star in hundred-million-dollar movies.

There's no real substance there.  He's faking it, whatever it is, and it comes off horribly condescending.

I'm not sure if anyone else is going to agree with me.  But the audience seemed to be just as bored and/or confused.

BONUS POINTS HERE: For Conan.  He tries to get Jackman (whom I like, for the record) to give an example of phrases that Australians use that Americans don't know or understand.  The dude comes up with, "Kick the bucket," which is so trite and American a phrase they made a sappy old-man movie about it.  Conan's response: Well, yeah, we know that one.  "Shut the door means close the door..." he said.  Nice.

And then the odd smuggling the buggie(sp?) thing, where he's basically like, "Hey, girls, let me talk about my kibbles and bits for ya, I'm sexiest man alive!" in that Crocodile-Dundee, my-knife-is-bigger-than-your-knife dick-swinging voice.

I hope this is not coming off as jealousy. I'm just offended by the canned questions and the obvious advertisements (more later).  And the awkwardness was palpable. OK basically this guy can act and all but his charm is so forced and faked he comes off like a boob. Like the complete opposite of Clooney. That's just what I think.

I still might see that movie, anyway.

UPDATE: If you don't care enough about any of this, you can skip ahead in the Conan episode to Tom Morello, performing Whatever it Takes. I wasn't even sure what to make of this song at first, but I think it's pretty damn good.  Watch 'til the end.

Time to retire...

Driving to school/work* today, I was stuck at a stoplight next to a tan Honda CR-V. The SUV had both it's windows down and the young white kid in the front was tapping his fingers to the beat that was blaring from his speakers.

What song was it?

Back that Ass Up by Juvenile.

Seriously.

OK, this song needs to be retired. At first it was like a cool song that you were the man if you knew all the lyrics to. And the video had those vixens doing that popping thing with their booty. When you're in high school, that's like totally sweet I guess. Then, later, the song would come on and everyone would laugh and it'd be totally ironic as a bunch of white kids tried to imitate Juve'. But I'm thinking that the irony clock has run out on this song. Now it's just sad.

Is this really the song this guy wanted to hear at 9 o'clock in the morning? Not that rap is bad, but how about something from this decade? I cringe to think that Back that Ass Up is a classic.

I'm sure someone is already thinking of making a comment about how it is a classic, and how I'm wrong or whatever. So here's the video. Before you comment, watch the whole thing. And if you don't feel a little dirty or sad afterward, then you may proceed. And how horrible I feel for you if that's the case. Also you're required to be up early in the morning/not drunk.






*I've been having trouble with this lately, because I always say "work" even though it is "school." But I'm locked in a windowless office for hours and hours, stuck in a suffocating black cubicle. That's work. The only difference is I don't get paid, which essentially makes it suck more, and more work-like than school-like. So I'm sticking with "work" from here out.

Read local papers!

I may meander a bit, but stay with me on this one.

In the most recent issue of Columbia's Free Times (a solid free weekly) food columnist Eva Moore, her of thick-rimmed hipster glasses, has an article about local pizza joints written just in time for National Pizza Month to end.

At the risk of over-analyzing an article about pizza that clearly is one of those oh-damn-what-can- I-write-about journalistic things I usually read out of sheer empathy, I'm going to deconstruct what I find wrong with the article.

First, the headline, which Ms. Moore may not have written (not sure about the editing setup at FT). It says, simply: Eat local pizza!

I tried in an earlier post (scroll down) to express my contempt for liking something because it's "local" and this certainly cements it. Like something because it's good, not because it's local. I'm just as PO'ed as the next guy over the fact that chains are zapping the life out of cities, as McDonalds and Wal-Marts crush the last vestiges of originality. But that's no reason to blindly support something "local." If a lady is selling crappy coffee out of the back of her pickup truck, that's pretty local, but I'd rather go to Starbucks.

OK, there's that. I also take issue with her rather narrow definition of what a good pizza is, how a crust should be exactly as she likes it, and how the sauce needs to be "balanced," which I guess would help the pizza from falling over in the box or something. A good pizza can be any number of things, from big-slice New York-style to deep-dish Chicago style to Hawaiian style. Crust can be doughy and undercooked, or extremely crispy. You may not even need any sauce. Basically the only requirements for me is that pizza tastes delicious and can be eaten with your hands.

Next, let's look at her list of pizza places. I've always thought that Columbia had a terrific choice of pizza. I mean, there's almost way too many pizza restaurants around town.

She leaves Dano's off her list, which is criminal. It blows Pop's out of the water, even though the slices are smaller. Dano's pizza, when it's done right, melts in your mouth the way an expensive steak does. I had lunch there today after I got my hair cut. Little hairs sprinkled onto my pizza. It still tasted better than Pop's.

Next, she disses Mellow Mushroom's crust because it's undercooked. Well I like it that way, thank you very much. MM can be a little inconsistent, but I've never left disappointed (or hungry, or, for that matter, sober).

Pizza Man -- She got it right that you go there to see the regulars and to drink. The pizza is what it is. Probably didn't deserve mention.

To misquote 50 Cent -- Where's Za's? The first words on the damn Web site are "Locally owned." This alone should have sent the Free Times into convulsions. I should note I've never eaten here, but I've heard great things. I'm thinking about going on Friday. Hit me up.

And, in her most egregious error, she recommends Pizza Hut. Ugh. I really hope this was some sort of inside joke, but I'm doubtful. Pizza Hut is miserably gross.

Then, in short order, she trashes Papa John's. I like Papa John's. I like some people who work there. I like to eat their pizza. It's tasty. Plus they give you garlic sauce. Yummy. Papa Johns' knows how to make good pizza.

I mean, seriously Eva, who walks into a PJ's and orders a spinach alfredo pizza? What were you thinking? That's like ordering a burger medium-rare at McDonald's. No one should be that clueless. Next time try their white pizza.

Props, though, for avoiding Village Idiot. I was there last night. Um...I don't like that place. It had a weird, protective vibe about it, like somehow I was going to steal a chair. And then some girl actually accused me of stealing a chair she was saving, even though there were like 40 other chairs strewn about and I was only moving the chair to get to the bar, in hopes of getting a drink. I just gave her a look that was half What? and half Fuck you.

And I never did get that drink. PEOPLE: please move away from the bar after you are served I need my booze pretty please I'm not here to chat with you mindless fucks I just need that juice OMG GET OUT OF THE WAY.

I'm using all caps too much now, which is scary (as in, any time you use it is too much, but I think it's mildly appropriate above). I also messed up their/there like 10 times in this article, and I don't know why. I think I need a nap.

Rocky! Rocky!

What a week for low expectations!

On Thursday, Sarah Palin survived the debate by regurgitating words she learned in a three-day debate prep, forming sentences that don't hold up when you actually listen to what she said, and somehow that qualifies as a gutsy, folksy, cutesy performance, one that exceeded expectations.

Well when you expect an airhead and instead get a mindless drone, I suppose that is a step up.

Then on display Saturday was the curious case of Kimbo Slice, the fighting phenom who was tearing up the MMA world with his shocking power and his sensational YouTube videos.

Or, perhaps the more honest introduction would have went like this: Capitalizing on the excitement young adolescents feel when they watch bum fights on the Internet, a jacked former homeless man videotapes himself punching the crap out of half-wits and neighborhood morons, sending their shellacked asses to the ground time and time again.

Because Kimbo found out what Americans actually like in a fight: not grabbing, kicking, scratching and failing arms, but a good clean knockout. BAM! Right to the jaw.

The rise of MMA and the rise of knockout videos on the Internet are two parts of the same phenomenon. I'm not necessarily saying that's a bad thing: Give the people what they want. And I enjoy a good knockout video as much as the next guy.

But let's be clear. Just because you have a good punch doesn't make you a good athlete or the next big thing in sports. It makes you a YouTube star and a circus sideshow.

So it's no surprise that, just four fights into his "professional" MMA career at CBS, this happened to Kimbo Slice:



Yeah, just a few seconds in, and Kimbo catches a surprise right from the guy with pink hair who filled in for Ken Shamrock.

And how did the announcer react? Like it was the greatest sporting moment since the 1980 Miracle hockey team:

Rocky! Rocky is here!
Seth Petruzelli shocks the world!...
The most INCREDIBLE. VICTORY. In the HISTORY of MIXED MARTIAL ARTS!
Seth Petruzelli! IT can HAPPEN. BE-LIEVE!...
If you have a dream. If you're willing to step into a cage and fight for your life.
YOU! Can be anything you want...

Meanwhile, newly anointed Rocky is running around like he just got away from a rabid bear and is torn between celebrating and looking around to make sure Slice doesn't come out of nowhere to hit him in the face. Because he has shown a little brutality before.

Am I only the one who feels this whole nonsense is a little fake? A little too much WWF and not enough like anything resembling a real sport? Something like wrestling turned reality show minus a cohesive story line?

All that really happened was a 34-year-old over-hyped steroid-fueled street menace was dropped with a lucky punch by some dumbass who decided pink highlights was the way to stand out in a crowded MMA world.

And there we have this jackass CBS announcer acting like this is important? He says History! like this fight actually matters in the great story of the world.

So next time you hear about an Internet phenomenon, think bum fights. The next time you hear some idiot rant about history, think: Will this really matter? When we expect our sports heroes to do nothing but create cool YouTube videos of their awesome "knockouts," well, that's just more low expectations. Any idiot can make a YouTube video.

Please, watch all the knockout videos you want, but remember that Muhammed Ali and Kimbo Slice don't belong in the same sentence. They don't even belong in the same book.