In the most recent issue of Columbia's Free Times (a solid free weekly) food columnist Eva Moore, her of thick-rimmed hipster glasses, has an article about local pizza joints written just in time for National Pizza Month to end.
At the risk of over-analyzing an article about pizza that clearly is one of those oh-damn-what-can- I-write-about journalistic things I usually read out of sheer empathy, I'm going to deconstruct what I find wrong with the article.
First, the headline, which Ms. Moore may not have written (not sure about the editing setup at FT). It says, simply: Eat local pizza!
I tried in an earlier post (scroll down) to express my contempt for liking something because it's "local" and this certainly cements it. Like something because it's good, not because it's local. I'm just as PO'ed as the next guy over the fact that chains are zapping the life out of cities, as McDonalds and Wal-Marts crush the last vestiges of originality. But that's no reason to blindly support something "local." If a lady is selling crappy coffee out of the back of her pickup truck, that's pretty local, but I'd rather go to Starbucks.
OK, there's that. I also take issue with her rather narrow definition of what a good pizza is, how a crust should be exactly as she likes it, and how the sauce needs to be "balanced," which I guess would help the pizza from falling over in the box or something. A good pizza can be any number of things, from big-slice New York-style to deep-dish Chicago style to Hawaiian style. Crust can be doughy and undercooked, or extremely crispy. You may not even need any sauce. Basically the only requirements for me is that pizza tastes delicious and can be eaten with your hands.
Next, let's look at her list of pizza places. I've always thought that Columbia had a terrific choice of pizza. I mean, there's almost way too many pizza restaurants around town.
She leaves Dano's off her list, which is criminal. It blows Pop's out of the water, even though the slices are smaller. Dano's pizza, when it's done right, melts in your mouth the way an expensive steak does. I had lunch there today after I got my hair cut. Little hairs sprinkled onto my pizza. It still tasted better than Pop's.
Next, she disses Mellow Mushroom's crust because it's undercooked. Well I like it that way, thank you very much. MM can be a little inconsistent, but I've never left disappointed (or hungry, or, for that matter, sober).
Pizza Man -- She got it right that you go there to see the regulars and to drink. The pizza is what it is. Probably didn't deserve mention.
To misquote 50 Cent -- Where's Za's? The first words on the damn Web site are "Locally owned." This alone should have sent the Free Times into convulsions. I should note I've never eaten here, but I've heard great things. I'm thinking about going on Friday. Hit me up.
And, in her most egregious error, she recommends Pizza Hut. Ugh. I really hope this was some sort of inside joke, but I'm doubtful. Pizza Hut is miserably gross.
Then, in short order, she trashes Papa John's. I like Papa John's. I like some people who work there. I like to eat their pizza. It's tasty. Plus they give you garlic sauce. Yummy. Papa Johns' knows how to make good pizza.
I mean, seriously Eva, who walks into a PJ's and orders a spinach alfredo pizza? What were you thinking? That's like ordering a burger medium-rare at McDonald's. No one should be that clueless. Next time try their white pizza.
Props, though, for avoiding Village Idiot. I was there last night. Um...I don't like that place. It had a weird, protective vibe about it, like somehow I was going to steal a chair. And then some girl actually accused me of stealing a chair she was saving, even though there were like 40 other chairs strewn about and I was only moving the chair to get to the bar, in hopes of getting a drink. I just gave her a look that was half What? and half Fuck you.
And I never did get that drink. PEOPLE: please move away from the bar after you are served I need my booze pretty please I'm not here to chat with you mindless fucks I just need that juice OMG GET OUT OF THE WAY.
I'm using all caps too much now, which is scary (as in, any time you use it is too much, but I think it's mildly appropriate above). I also messed up their/there like 10 times in this article, and I don't know why. I think I need a nap.
OK, there's that. I also take issue with her rather narrow definition of what a good pizza is, how a crust should be exactly as she likes it, and how the sauce needs to be "balanced," which I guess would help the pizza from falling over in the box or something. A good pizza can be any number of things, from big-slice New York-style to deep-dish Chicago style to Hawaiian style. Crust can be doughy and undercooked, or extremely crispy. You may not even need any sauce. Basically the only requirements for me is that pizza tastes delicious and can be eaten with your hands.
Next, let's look at her list of pizza places. I've always thought that Columbia had a terrific choice of pizza. I mean, there's almost way too many pizza restaurants around town.
She leaves Dano's off her list, which is criminal. It blows Pop's out of the water, even though the slices are smaller. Dano's pizza, when it's done right, melts in your mouth the way an expensive steak does. I had lunch there today after I got my hair cut. Little hairs sprinkled onto my pizza. It still tasted better than Pop's.
Next, she disses Mellow Mushroom's crust because it's undercooked. Well I like it that way, thank you very much. MM can be a little inconsistent, but I've never left disappointed (or hungry, or, for that matter, sober).
Pizza Man -- She got it right that you go there to see the regulars and to drink. The pizza is what it is. Probably didn't deserve mention.
To misquote 50 Cent -- Where's Za's? The first words on the damn Web site are "Locally owned." This alone should have sent the Free Times into convulsions. I should note I've never eaten here, but I've heard great things. I'm thinking about going on Friday. Hit me up.
And, in her most egregious error, she recommends Pizza Hut. Ugh. I really hope this was some sort of inside joke, but I'm doubtful. Pizza Hut is miserably gross.
Then, in short order, she trashes Papa John's. I like Papa John's. I like some people who work there. I like to eat their pizza. It's tasty. Plus they give you garlic sauce. Yummy. Papa Johns' knows how to make good pizza.
I mean, seriously Eva, who walks into a PJ's and orders a spinach alfredo pizza? What were you thinking? That's like ordering a burger medium-rare at McDonald's. No one should be that clueless. Next time try their white pizza.
Props, though, for avoiding Village Idiot. I was there last night. Um...I don't like that place. It had a weird, protective vibe about it, like somehow I was going to steal a chair. And then some girl actually accused me of stealing a chair she was saving, even though there were like 40 other chairs strewn about and I was only moving the chair to get to the bar, in hopes of getting a drink. I just gave her a look that was half What? and half Fuck you.
And I never did get that drink. PEOPLE: please move away from the bar after you are served I need my booze pretty please I'm not here to chat with you mindless fucks I just need that juice OMG GET OUT OF THE WAY.
I'm using all caps too much now, which is scary (as in, any time you use it is too much, but I think it's mildly appropriate above). I also messed up their/there like 10 times in this article, and I don't know why. I think I need a nap.
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3 comments:
a half fuck you right back at you buddy.
I was having a horrible time with my friends...I mean between Mary sleeping with ever guy in the bar and April not allowed in Rocco's after 'the incident'. So what if she did coke in the bathroom? I've seen tons of girls do that at redhot!
So I was well within my right to be uptight. You try wearing four inch heels around five points! I was just hoping to find a wholesome man, with dreamy eyes, and a dry subtle wit. I was hoping you'd be the guy, I didn't know how to approach you, so I guess I did a bad job?
Your loss, I decide to go home with Justin Sorensen. He's got a big cock and was able to please me well into the early morning.
-Four inch heel vixen
Whoever this is...if you could learn to spellcheck you should get a blog of your own.
I say screw em all and go home and make a Tony's. Delicious!
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