Give me a break...

None of these things automatically qualifies you as "cool":

• "Supporting local music" - Big deal.  That band sucks anyway and I've never heard any of these songs.  I'm bored and here to drink, not to experience the sensation of my ears bleeding.
• "Liking 'good' wine or coffee or whatever" - Try that java thing from Sonic.  It tastes good.  And it's from Sonic, which is normally disgusting.  Dunkin' Donuts has good coffee, you don't need a damn 'local' shop (Although I do like Cool Beans).  There's a fine line between having standards and being pretentious.
• "Having a well-paying job" - Wow.  I'm so impressed.  Your work ethic is astounding.  And you bore the ever-living shit out of me.
• "Drinking top-shelf liquor" - In the time it's taken you to sip on that single-malt whatever, I've pounded six Beam and Cokes and I'm probably dancing on a table.
• "Not putting off your work in class and blogging without any hope of a coherent point" - Yeah, and I bet you don't ever use double negatives when you blog either.  Maybe you don't even blog.  Oh God, you are soooo cool.  I bet you think sarcasm is for people with no intellect.  Go drink some local coffee and listen to a local band.  I'm going to put on some Pink Floyd and drink some Bud Light until you appear somewhat interesting.

Here's a discussion for the comments section:

Why does this blog's author suck?  Be specific.