I'm so cereal right now.

It’s been raining a lot lately, and I’ve noticed something of interest…I hate intermittent windshield wipers. Sure, maybe its because I’m jealous, and yes, my car only has two wipers speeds, but that’s all you should need! My two speeds are as follows: high, which is for when you can’t see past the hood of your car its raining so hard; and low, which is for everything else.

God, how pompous must these ass-holes with six different settings must be? What do they analyze the clouds and frequency of rain-drops?

“My my, Claude, look at those cumulus clouds, this calls for wiper level four, don’t you say?”

“Not sure, Niles, we could be in for wiper three, but God forbid you are forced to see the wiper pass before your eyes any more than is absolutely necessary.”

“Yes, yes, one time I set it to level five and it was clearly a level three day. I spent the next week at the spa having my colon cleansed. I felt so…dirty! I can’t wait
until the new Benz comes out, I heard it has 95 different wiper settings.”

Why are all of the best technologies in the most useless areas? I can have no-touch towel dispensers, sinks and toilets in a public bathroom like we’re on the cusp of some space age shit and yet we are seemingly miles away from flying cars. I want some fucking flying cars and I do not think that is too much to ask.

Anyway back to my original complaint. If you actually take the time out to decide which wiper setting to use because you want to minimize the number of times you see the wiper I think you need to be shot.