Arrested Development

A friend turned me onto this show, Arrested Development, which has been off the air for a few years now. Although I had heard great things, I was skeptical a network comedy could live up to the quality of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm, Flight of the Conchords, or FX's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, or Showtime's Weeds, etc., etc.

I'm here to tell you that, if you haven't seen it, it just may blow all of those other shows out of the water. And my inveterate readers, fear not; I'm not some cock tease. You can watch the whole thing over at Hulu. Here's the link to the Pilot. Start here, and watch them all, if you can find the time (and you should).

Here's what sets Arrested Development apart from the rest, in my opinion. First, the show builds on itself. It has just as many references to future episodes as it does to past ones. This makes the punchlines layered, like a delicious cake of funniness. And, as you can no doubt tell, it's almost too hard to explain. You just need to watch.

It also means you'll need to be a bit patient. Because it's so involved ... that's not the right word, but stick with me ... you'll need to watch at least half of the first season to start to "get" it. And you'll need to get into the third (and final) season before you can consider yourself a fan.

It also wouldn't hurt to gander at the Wikipedia page, which explains some of the references that, being current events, make a little less sense now.

(As an example, during one scene, Jason Bateman says to Jeffrey Tambor, who is lying, "You're a regular Brad Garrett." Garrett had recently beaten Tambor for a Best Supporting Actor Emmy. The entire cast, from David Cross to Alia Shawkat to, yes, the starting-to-annoy-me Michael Cera, is lifted by the brilliant writing and deserves awards. And, oh my God, Will Arnett as Gob...)

Another quick reason why AD is head and shoulders above the rest: every minute of every show is valuable. It adds something to the show. From the opening moments to the closing "epilogue" ("On the next Arrested Development...") you don't want to miss any part. A few times, like well into my sixth episode of the day, I'd get up to throw something away or go to the bathroom for a minute. It was too much to miss. I had to rewind that sucker.

I'll briefly describe the show so I can make one more quick example. The show is about a wealthy family whose patriarch has been put in jail for many, many crimes. It's basically an inside look at an Enron or Tyco family, those insanely rich crooks. (Needless to say, it's still quite timely.)

OK, so for a long time the family's attorney is Barry Zuckercorn, who is played hilariously by Henry Winkler. Then he is replaced (as the show's ratings continued to underperform, more on that later). By whom? By Scott Baio, who replaced Winkler (to much Hollywood drama, one presumes) on the set of Happy Days. It's just one of the many inside-Hollywood jokes you'll start to appreciate. And I haven't even told you Baio's character's name, which is such a perfect name for a lawyer. The show milks it for all it's worth. You'll just have to watch.

Am I preaching to the choir here? Am I just one of those way-too-late bandwagon jumpers that you just want to blow off the wagon with a cannon? Hey, at least I made it on before the movie.

When I wake up, it's too sunny out; I squint

Today John Updike died, and crassly, that seems like as good a reason I need to start blogging again. I gave my mother a list of about 30 authors whose books I wouldn't mind getting for Christmas. Updike was on there, and I guess he was extra-available on eBay, because I ended up getting like 10 of his books. They've sat, unread, alongside the other novels I got this year. Only a few - the short-story collections - have been cracked open.

Irrelevant, I know.

As to why I haven't been blogging (or reading) there is probably an easy, five-word answer (guesses allowed). But I'll opt for the more complex one.

The excuse-maker in me wants to blame conditions. Last semester, I was around a computer anywhere from 8-15 hours a day, or more. I did, on average, probably 2 hours of actual work, and maybe 2 more hours of work combined with toggling between Facebook, YouTube, texting, staring, reading stuff I wanted to read, etc.

That left a lot of damn free time spent on the computer. Very conducive to blogging. And when I knew I had to read some really boring stuff, I felt like I could cheat the system by reading something I wanted to, because at least I was reading! (It's often too easy to delude myself). This, very conducive to reading.

This semester, I'm not in school, and I have an easy job that doesn't require much, if any, brain activity (though late nights are required). It's hard for me to drag myself to the computer now, because no news is good news these days. I rarely find the energy or desire to want to sit in this uncomfortable chair and tap out something hopefully worth reading.

Don't get me wrong - I have plenty of time on my hands. This Monday, I had no plans, so I did nothing. I was just following what was on my Stephen Colbert Desk Calendar. It was blank; I was blank. The whole damn day.

But enough excuses! I've often thought of this blog as something of a conversation, maybe one that I should be having in real life, or that is simply impossible in real life. (Obligatory: What is "real" anyway?).

Anyway, for the few of you who have kept checking often and found nothing, I'm sorry. Consider it one of those long, awkward silences that I surely would have broken up with a loud, obvious comment. And to those who used to check often, but don't, 'cuz damn if I'll be burned again... Look, I know you're at work. And bored. I'm probably sleeping. I know you'd like something to do to get through the day. I'll try to make up for the lost time.

Confessions of a Teen Idol

There's a new reality show in town, put on by the folks at VH1, who care so little about what they put on the television it should be illegal.

It's called Confessions of a Teen Idol, and the premise is a doozy: A bunch of tools who used to be barely famous live in a house and try to revive their stalled careers. Did I mention that Scott Baio is the host? You may remember Baio as the tool from Charles in Charge. But did you know he recently became famous again? How did he do this? By getting his own reality show -- no, make that two reality shows -- on VH1.

And did you know that Jason Hervey is a producer of the show? You should. He used to be famous as the friend on Wonder Years. He recently regained some fame by being Scott Baio's friend on Baio's two reality shows. Jason Hervey is the proud son of Marsha and Alan Hervey. Marsha is a talent agent; Alan is a retail sales manager. He also married a porn star. This is all courtesy of Wikipedia.

Why is it important that you know this? It is most certainly not. But importance is a relative thing these days.

Hervey and Baio are mere bit players this time around, like TJ Lavin hosting Real World challenges. He's like, uh, I'm just a bit more famous than the formerly famous people on this show, so I have some credibility which I will lend to their careers, etc.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s and I only recognize two of the guys on this show; both are from "Baywatch," which is described as the No.-1-TV-show-in-America too many times to count. The "preview blog" on the show (and you see why I strongly dislike that word) says the men will bond together because, as former stars, they all share a common experience and even "speak a different language."

That language is douchebagtalk. Or douchebagspeak, for the Orwellians among us. DBS is a rare disease by which the afflicted are constantly remembering how awesome they used to be, compared with their current state, and talk in a slightly hidden way that drapes a thin veil over the meaning of their words. What they are really saying is this: Back when I was barely famous, I used to get pissy drunk with other famous people and I could fuck anyone I want. I did drugs, I spent money, I probably picked up a venereal disease. And now that I'm not famous anymore, life sucks, so I'm going to try to become famous again by being on a TV show about being formerly famous.

That being picked to be on this TV show is probably the best thing to happen to these people and their careers is never mentioned. And let me be clear: it's not the therapist they have to go to or Hervey's impassioned pleas (which are part of the show) that are going to help these gentlemen. It's just being on TV. No matter what it is. There is no such thing as bad publicity and everyone in the world, it seems, is out to prove it.

But they're never going to admit that on VH1. It breaks the fourth wall of reality TV, that you're not supposed to be acting, even though the show is written, and needs storylines, and sometimes these storylines are bullshit, and the people are acting.

But, then, what is acting? When is unprofessional acting on a reality show just being a dick? If I'm normally a nice person, but I am a dick for three months on a reality show, or the show is edited to show me at my most dick-like, am I then a dick? Or am I still the nice guy? Can I say I was just pretending? What if I'm marginally more dick-like in real life than on TV? Does any of this matter?

Which is more real: How I am or How I am on TV? Which is viewed more? Which becomes the real, whether we like it or not?

Too many questions for such a terrible, terrible TV show. I should be honest. I also recognize the guy from 90210. These guys are so pathetic and sad it makes me sad. The show itself is so much about failure it makes me feel like a failure. Because I'm the sad sack of shit watching this at home. These people have already had and lost more than I'll ever know, probably. And I'm reduced to watching them, and feeling slightly better than them, which is the point. It's the same reason they show the awful singers on American Idol, the same reason why we laugh at the person kicked off the Island first. It's all just a big game of status that we watch because we're losing the game in our own lives. Maybe if I was somebody, I wouldn't have to watch these nobodies.

But as long as I fail outside of the public eye, I still have my 15 minutes left. And that's a good thing these days.

Vacation's over

My apologies for the prolonged vacation from this blog. This, of course, is directed to the faithful who continued to check it almost daily without anything new for about two weeks.

So thanks.

And...this is going to be short.

If I have a minute later on, I'll write about a new show that I saw last night. Looks like a doozy.

Anyway, expect more frequent updates from now on.