I Hate the Word Blog

Hello!

2009-04-07T16:28:00.002-04:00

Hi folks.

Is there anything interesting going on right now?

Am I the only one completely bored out of my mind?

Anyway, I read this, thought it was pretty good.

Another week, another earthquake. Having already signed a nearly eight-hundred-billion-dollar stimulus bill, restored the rule of law to America’s treatment of detainees in its custody, developed plans to shore up the banking and housing sectors, demanded new regulation of private equity and hedge funds, proposed sweeping reforms in health care, energy, and education, and deepened the country’s involvement in Afghanistan and Pakistan, President Obama, in his tenth week in office, effectively put the government in charge of a large part of the automobile industry. And that was just Monday. By midweek, at the G-20 meeting in London, he had also committed the United States in principle to a new global regulatory framework for financial markets and, by some accounts, had resurrected the art of Presidential diplomacy. Then, on Thursday night, he won passage of a $3.5-trillion budget, whose tax and spending provisions mark the end of a long-term trend toward greater inequality.

I think this is why no one seems to regret voting for Obama.

He's not giving everyone what they want, but then again, he never could. He's doing a pretty kick-ass job, though. It's unfortunate we have to have our rock star president during such bad times, but maybe that's exactly when we need a good guy in office.

Taibbi on AIG

2009-03-22T17:54:00.004-04:00

If you're like me, you find the daily talk of "the recession" depressing enough to make your ears bleed.

But here's two comforting facts: It's going to get much, much worse, and it's going to last much, much longer than anyone expects or wants.

OK, comforting wasn't the right word there.

So buckle up, or whatever. Get some headphones. It's all anyone is going to talk about for the next 3 years, at a minimum.

And when you read a clear, well-reported analysis like the one offered by Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi, you begin to develop the frightening picture in your mind. This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in the country.

Because you realize that these financial guys, these "free market" gurus, they're nothing more than common criminals on the grandest of stages. Is there a more helpless feeling in the world? They've infiltrated the government and it's systems of power and regulation and turned them into a big, fat joke. And they allowed themselves to become so big that the entire economy rests in their hands: big, fat companies that are "too big to fail."

So we must bail them out to save the system, which led to the corruption and greed in the first place, because the hunger for bigger profits is all it is based on.

It remains to be seen, but the 2008 election is beginning to look like a puppet show, an expensive, highly choreographed sporting event that had no real meaning or importance. Because these financial guys are still swarming. McCain would have brought with him Phil Gramm, a co-conspirator in this entire mess. Obama bought with him Richard Holbrooke, the pig Larry Summer, Geithner, and countless others.

Some fucking choice.

Jon Stewart, hero

2009-03-13T04:09:00.002-04:00

You think this is a game?

If you haven't followed the supposed 'war or words' between Jon Stewart and financial cracker-jack Jim Cramer, you've been missing out.

Rather than fully update you, just watch the following clip(s).

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Interview Outtake Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Interview Outtake Pt. 3

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Time and again, when Jon actually gets angry, and has a good cause, he uses his half-hour cable-TV platform to completely annihilate people who completely deserve it.

It's not a fucking game.

Madoff

2009-03-12T12:23:00.002-04:00

As I watch this cartoon-like man, a dead ringer for The Count, only evil, I do not get the sense, despite the media hype, that there are any true victims in this dastardly scenario.

Only varying levels of criminality.

For too long the ever-growing disparities in wealth have created huge separations between supposedly equal people, and then between those people and the less fortunate, and between the less fortunate and the even less fortunate: the starving, those families living on less than $1 a day.

So when I hear the horror over someone losing $1.6 million to this evil Count, a thief with no equal in terms of size and scope, I do not think "victim."

I think, well, that money didn't ever really belong to you anyway, and neither does the land you own, or the house you bought from the bank that is now asking for more money from you in a different way, aside from the interest and the overdraft fees and the various other ways they steal from the poor and give to the rich. You can't even claim to really, truly own the clothes on your back, because someone may come and take them, too.

Your stock portfolio isn't real. Your five houses and luxury vehicles exist but their value isn't real.

$5,000 suits exist because someone out there finds it necessary to buy them and has...or had...the money to do it.

Money isn't real.

I hope we learn, from this and the entire collapse of a corrupt system, that money can disappear. It can vanish. That which was created by man for man's supposed gain and has since controlled every aspect of every minute of every day is as tangible and real as the minutes that pass by. You can try to squeeze it in your hands and hold it forever, but it will not work.

It's time to find something different with which to occupy our time.

The inevitable Slumdog formula

2009-02-23T15:44:00.003-05:00

So Slumdog won, as expected, and as I mentioned in my previous post, I couldn't help but feel like a downer for being so down on it. From Danny Boyle's smile that seemed to be damaging his face to the cute little kids, no one could have been more appreciative of the awards, and it was nice to be spared the false humility (see Penn, Sean*).

Although, as the butterflies in my stomach subsided, the realization kicked in that we could be in for a slew of Slumdogs as Hollywood hit-makers try to make the film into a formula. It's what they do.

So don't be surprised if movies about slums - from Africa to Asia and beyond - are suddenly the next big thing. And be as equally unsurprised if none of them live up to even the low standards of its standard-bearer.

I've since read a few more reviews of Slumdog, many of which praise it for being a Dickensian fable.** They point to the Bollywood-style ending, and say, "Well that didn't make much sense, so who says the film itself has to be completely plausible? The film's magic lies in its implausibility."

Maybe so. But good movies are supposed to make you think. And what I could not help thinking about is, while the new president has to go on TV and make a commitment to not torture, and while Mumbai, India was just attacked in a vicious and unthinkable way by Muslim terrorists, why would you have a scene in which Indian policemen torture a game show contestant?

And not just allude to it, but show it? In detail? Is this supposed to get us thinking about torture in any meaningful way? Or is it just the "larger-than-life" Bollywood style to throw in stuff like that?

And the other scene I mentioned before, the one where the kid jumps into a small pond of shit to get an autograph from the guy who hosts the game show. Where does this ridiculous celebrity-worship fit in a film like Slumdog? What does it mean? What is it saying? The answer is disappointing: Almost nothing.

Everyone crows about the film because it's "entertaining," as if that justifies its complete lack of control over the vignettes that make up the film. I've seen nothing that proves to me this film resembles anything close to intelligence. The only thing offered is that you gain a certain intelligence by growing up poor. That is probably true, and an interesting observation, but it is lost in all the running, running, chasing, dodging and quick cutting. And it is lost in the muddled handling of torture and celebrity-worship and ... just about everything else.

Let's be honest. This movie got a break because it's set in an exotic location, with a Brit director, and a cast full of unknown Indian stars.

Uh...I was going to have more, I think, but I'm running out of time here.

*Although I did enjoy Penn's well-done call to those who voted for the same-sex marriage ban to consider their "shame." It was a solid moment, and a necessary one.
**In fact, Dickens is mentioned by so many separate reviewers, I can't help but think the reference was included in a media packet. If you ever read a handful of reviews about the same movie, and almost all of them include some inside reference (i.e. this was shot entirely in Chicago! The filmmakers used cotton balls and Vaseline to make him look old!) you can assume it was in a media packet somewhere, handed out to reviewer, probably accompanied by merchandise or something.

Oscars 2009

2009-02-22T20:07:00.004-05:00

I had considered writing a little something about this years' Oscar crop, but I had neither the time nor finances to see all the nominated films, and felt underqualified. (Of the nominated films, I've seen only WALL-E, The Dark Knight, and Slumdog Millionaire).

So I sat down to watch, thinking this thing would start at 8 p.m. with best supporting actress or some such award, but no, they have a red carpet special on ABC, this despite the fact that red carpet specials had been airing on at least two other channels (CNN, E!) prior to that.

For shits, let me discuss a few nagging issues.

The Oscars are to movie buffs - I consider myself to be a marginal one - what the Super Bowl is to hardcore NFL fans. Mainly: over-hyped, glitzy, and often wrong on the question of who is No. 1. And the sudden national attention that the Super Bowl brings is no different than Oscar season buzz - suddenly Slumdog and Mickey Rourke are on the tips of everyone's tongues. And (please excuse my hypocrisy) just as suddenly, every jackass who got high and watched Tropic Thunder thinks their opinion on who should win matters. (I haven't seen Tropic Thunder).

Despite all this, you'd be a fool to miss the Super Bowl if you love football, and the same goes for the Oscars and movie buffs, even if you don't like the teams that are playing. (For those interested, the red carpet special is the halftime show in my analogy, which is to say completely beside the point.)

A brief word on the movies I have seen, considering Slumdog is a heavy favorite to win Best Picture, and I've seen it, and didn't like it any better than, say, a colorful version of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (or is that EM: Slum Edition?).

First though, The Dark Knight. I won't go into detail as to why this is a mediocre film with great moments. But if you rewatch it and don't find yourself wanting to fast forward to the parts with Heath Ledger's Joker, than I think your fanboy dues are fully paid.

I mean, really, that part where Gordon fakes his death? Completely unnecessary, needlessly confusing, and shockingly dumb. That part where the convict throws the detonator off the boat? I have to ask: Are you serious? What hurts is that The Dark Knight was so disconcertingly bad that I called into question director Christopher Nolan's skills. I started to think that maybe Memento actually sucked, and he just confused me into thinking it was good. And yet I still love Batman Begins. It stands on its own as an excellent film.

But Ledger still deserves the award for Best Supporting Actor, and would even if he were attending the ceremonies today. He made the movie worth seeing two or three times, even if you had to whip out your iPhone and play games during the boring, meaningless parts. That's why it made so much box office dinero.

Anyway, I've said too much already. What irks me is this backlash against the Academy for not nominating the damn thing. On CNN, they let morons with computers send in e-mails commenting on the nominations, and some fool said something to the effect of: Why do they overlook movies that are popular and make lots of money like TDK?

While able to operate a computer, this person must not have been alive for the 1998 awards, when the little art film Titanic (worldwide BO: $1.8 billion) took home 11 trophies. It beat out L.A. Confidential and Good Will Hunting for Best Picture, both of which were better films.

Moving on.

Slumdog Millionaire is everything that is wrong with movies and gets almost nothing right - until the very, very end.

For starters, it's a carbon copy of City of God, which didn't win an Oscar when it came out, presumably, because it's in Portuguese and the director was unknown at the time. The people behind Slumdog were smart enough to include English so that high-minded Westerners could "fall in love" with it.

And I'm not even all that mad that Slumdog, like City of God, makes poverty-stricken slums of the worst kind seem a little too beautiful and a little too much fun. Others have been critical for this reason, but I think because I liked City of God so much and I don't mind looking at beautifully shot film that I'll give it a pass.

City of God and Slumdog are set on opposite sides of the world, but they both take a look at slums in an episodic, time-jumping way, from the point-of-view of a good-natured guy from the bad part of town. But Slumdog is held back by an off-the-wall premise (or should I say, plot device). Seems the main character somehow gets on the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire as a young man, and knows every answer because each question just so happens to correspond to a tragic/meaningful part of his life in the slums. That's highly convenient, but it could have been forgiven. But then it is revealed (SPOILER I think) that the host of the show has the boy tortured when they suspect him of cheating. They hook him up to a damn car battery!

What the fuck? I don't think that even in the worst of the worst areas that you can get away with fucking torturing contestants of syndicated game shows.

And to make matters worse, the whole movie isn't about winning the money, but about getting this boy back together with a girl he met in the slums. Two things ruin this hokey reunion. One: the relationship was never developed. There is not a scene in this movie where it is evident why these two love each other, other than that they found and lost each other a couple times when they were young, and both went through horrible tragedies. They don't hold one conversation as young adults that make these characters feel real and true. They are merely placeholders. This movie has been called romantic, but it only contains signifiers of romance: lusty staring, longing for one another, sparkles-in-the-eye. It has no actually romance, and shows no progress of love. Only this: Young, poor, together. Separated. Older, apart, incomplete. Reunited. And, I might add, (this is No. Two): They are both drop-dead gorgeous.

Now I'm not going to start discussing the merits of only including beautiful people in movies, because if you exclude beautiful people movies you've excluded just about all of them. But could these two stars, supposedly raised without parents in the slums in this film, be any hotter? He's a bit goofy, but you can tell it's only because he's young. She may be the hottest girl on the planet.

I could go on and on and on, counting the things wrong with this movie. It shouldn't even have been nominated in my view. (And it has been largely critically acclaimed, until some Oscar-season whisper-wars brought it down a few pegs.)

As stated earlier, they did do one thing right. The Bollywood-style dance number at the end could have lasted another 30 minutes and I would have enjoyed it. It made no sense, but still fit with the emotion of the movie more than the kid jumping in a steamy swamp of shit for an autograph.

I've already said too much, and have likely missed a few awards. No worries. All it means is that you'll be spared a long-winded argument for why WALL-E is the best film of the year, and I don't really want to do that anyway, because I haven't seen 'em all yet. (Although I'm not expecting Frost/Nixon or The Reader to best it, I'm curious about Revolutionary Road, Doubt and a few others.)

Any of you out there want to add your two cents? Did you like Slumdog, WALL-E, The Dark Knight any more or less than I did? Do the Oscars even matter anymore? Are you even watching them?

Bristol Palin and her creepy mother

2009-02-18T11:47:00.002-05:00

Either I was completely tone deaf prior to the 2008 primary election, or Hillary Clinton's 18-million-votes/cracks-in-the-glass-ceiling got everyone talking about women's issues. Especially women.

I'm not complaining. The XX blog over at Slate is always a good read. Same with Broadsheet at Salon.

What makes me slightly uncomfortable about all these women commenting on the way things are, and with a clear focus on being women and how that affects their view on the world, and how we live in a macho-dominated world, is that it makes me feel like a dick to be a guy, and I am kind of a dick anyway, and I'm white and middle class, so I already feel bad for all the advantages that gives me, and then plus I have to feel bad for being a guy?

It's like: call me an asshole 'cuz I'm an asshole, not 'cuz I have a penis. Or wait, do I even care why I'm an asshole? Maybe I just need to feel like I can not be an asshole eventually, but still be a guy. So maybe that's it.

Anyway, I do enjoy reading about women's issues: right to choose, equal pay for equal work, breast feeding, maternity leave, the new family structure, working mothers, etc., etc.

And this article on Bristol Palin's recent TV appearance on Fox (with Greta Van Susteren) was a terrific read. In her innocence, and like, um, high-school vernacular that still sounds more coherent than her mother, Bristol makes a great argument for not only waiting to have children, but also for safe and effective birth control, and for having the choice between having the child and aborting the fetus (well, you have to extrapolate a bit for that last one).

Then Mama Palin comes in and twists her words and babbles on likes she's known to do and Bristol looks at her like, "Um, this was my interview you attention-starved bitch."

From the Salon article:

And how poignant that the untrained and unrehearsed and inelegant message of the young woman who actually had the baby, the one who said, "I think everyone should just wait 10 years," made far more sense than the politicized jabbering of her elders.

Agreed. She may still have a nut-job mom, but I thought it took the right kind of guts to do what Bristol did: Go on TV and act like a real fucking person. Too bad the interviewer and interview-interrupter have totally lost sight of what it's like. (It doesn't need to be mentioned, but I'll do it anyway: Greta Van Susteren is a Scientologist, which makes her crazy and incapable of being consulted on anything, save space aliens and E-meters).

Current Events

2009-02-18T09:52:00.005-05:00

Could I think of a more boring title? Not likely.

But the only thing I could thing of other than that was: "Dude, seriously? WTF!?"

Because, seriously, what the fuck?

I'm talking, of course, about the economy. I'm ever-so-slowly beginning to understand what happened, why it happened and what the options are to fix it. It's a complicated fucking mess.

It would be like if 800,000 of the richest people in the world broke into, um, a mythical museum that had a 60 trillion dollar piece of crystal glassware or whatever. And they pass it around and toss it up and down and generally make gobs of money off this expensive crystal thing and then the damn thing, being tossed around like it was, it falls to the ground and shatters. And these 800,000 rich guys all look around at each other like: Can we get someone to clean this shit up?

(Cough, cough, let's get a black guy to do it....cough cough the crystal was the "economy" in my metaphor...cough cough cough, man I have a cold).

OK I'm not sure anyone here wants me to give my explanation of what actually happened to fuck everything up so I'll just skip to how to fix it.

But before that, I'll say this: I wish Obama had come to power with better circumstances, and I'm glad it's him in there and not McCain or Bush (or Romney or Palin or Hillary or Bill Richardson). But I'm still not all that happy with how Obama is handling things.

He seems to be (in cooperation with Timothy Geithner, who looks like a crook, smells like a crook, and cheats on his taxes like a crook....and seriously? Go by Tim, you're old now) desperate to save capitalism from its excesses (a la FDR, who was not a "socialist" despite the far-right's insistence that he was. He was as capitalist as the rest of 'em).

My whole thing is: Is this system worth saving? There is no serious debate on television about this. But is the global system that led to such soaring wealth and success for so many not the same system that led to where we are now? Is it an inconsiderate question to ask if this is not the inevitable result of capitalism? Is it not destined to end in chaos and fear and depression?

Two things:
1) Even before this collapse, in the boom times, were things even really that good? No. They weren't. Many were still poor. Many were still dying needlessly. Gas and food were still too expensive. AIDS and malaria still ravaged Africa. Extremism and violence still raged across the globe. The difference between now and then? Then, a few of the elite were making gobs and gobs of money.
2) In light of that, what's the goal here? To get back to that? Obama C.O.S. Rahm Emanuel is reportedly fond of saying, "Don't ever waste a crisis" or something to that effect. I'll admit some crises are capable of being used to push the country to greater heights (9/11 was one, and it was largely wasted). But really, what the crisis we have here exposed is this: All those supposedly smart guys who ran around making so much money in our system weren't "smart" at all, and were just playing around in an elite system that aimed to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. And then they went and had too much of a good time and fucked it up for everyone on the planet. Are we really trying to go back to that?

I'd rather not. But I'm not the HNIC, am I?

So how to fix it? Geithner, whom I don't trust, and who is a crook, still is deluded to think that some sort of public-private bullshit can be worked out to save the banks, which are filled with "toxic assets." As a person who uses words frequently, I'm astonished at this pairing of "toxic" and "assets." It's such a wonky phrase.

Anyway what it means is that, OK, banks have all this money they loaned out, and now they don't expect to get back because they gave it to people who couldn't afford it in good times, and now the good times are gone. But they might be paid back, eventually, so they are still "assets" -- they are just so worthless right now that the losses over these assets are larger than the amount of cash the bank has (making the bank "insolvent" or "fucked" in normalspeak).

So banks still have money, but none of them want to loan any more money out. They want high cash reserves to show investors they can handle the losses over these toxic assets. (Investors are still bailing).

Holy shit this is complicated.

So all these assets, no one knows what they are worth. If you just have the banks sell these assets off on their own, and let the market price them, the banks probably will lose too much money, and they'll fail. So the banks won't sell 'em. But while they aren't selling them, they aren't lending, and the economy needs lending to grow. So, we're stuck, basically.

That's where the government could come in, buy the toxic assets off the banks (using taxpayer money, or a combined public-private thing) and then wait until maybe those fuckers are worth something in five years and sell them then. Then the banks, cleared of these toxic assets, would still probably need some more money to get to lending again.

Good god I hope someone is still reading.

A problem: what do these assets cost, or, how much should one pay for them? Capitalists like Geithner, the crook, want to let the market decide (private pricing). While the market is crazy, it's not an idiot. If a bunch of public money is going to be thrown at the problem, they may jack up the prices, which would fuck the gov't (and the taxpayer) over royally. And this whole public-private thing is short on details about how it would actually work.

At least, that's what I think is going on.

So now, the word creeping its way into the national conversation is nationalization, which even "high priest of laissez-faire capitalism" Alan Greenspan is now supporting. (Along with, it seems, SC Sen. Lindsey Graham).

Here it wouldn't matter, presumably, what these assets are worth. With the banks under the control of the government (rather than just owing the gov't a shit-ton of money), the gov't could just remove the assets at will and put them into a "bad bank." Then they could fix up the banks and eventually give them back over to private investors (But when? After how long? What if the economy never returns to the levels the gov't wants? It's a touchy issue.) Add to this: it worked in Sweden. But Sweden isn't America. There are many, many more banks.

Read the Washington Post for some info about it, if I'm being unclear.

But James Surowiecki says this about nationalization. Even if you "stress test" banks and only take over the "insolvent" ones, investors are still going to bail on all banks, which means the banks that were tested to be "good" will suddenly be cash-strapped, and will need more and more money. Which is why all that money we poured in to the banks doesn't seem to have done anything. Because the stock prices have tanked, the banks are just vacuuming up money and nothing positive is happening.

So the gov't would have to nationalize all banks, from the kinda-OK ones to the horrible ones, from Bank of America to BB&T to every last shitty bank around this country. Huge deal. Big undertaking. And there is no guarantee it will work. In fact, it may make things worse before it makes it better. And when has a politician had the will to do what's right, even if it takes time? (See Iraq, Bush? Kidding, kidding).

OK so that's that. No conclusions.

My whole hope is this: Fix it. Get it right. Make it better. And dear God, if you could screw over those rich fuckers who did this in the process, then by all means do it. That's why crooks like Chuck Schumer, who is a sleazy slimeball of a man, oppose nationalization: it would screw over their rich Wall Street friends who've made a killing playing this dangerous game and who've bankrolled political careers of people like fucking Chuck Schumer.*

I was going to do some quick hits, but I'll just make another post. I doubt anyone made it this far. Hey, if you did, leave a comment. And answer me this: Is capitalism worth saving?

*My disappointment in Obama largely results from the fact that he is not immune to the charms of sleazy fucks like Geithner and Schumer, and may in fact be one himself, though I'm holding out all hope that he's not.

Family Guy

2009-02-17T18:02:00.002-05:00

I've always felt that it was important to have good taste when it came to television and movies, while still being able to watch The Real World or Independence Day and enjoy the hell out of 'em.

That is to say, I can still have fun watching bad movies, or bad TV, and I can turn my nose up at them later.

I've never been able to figure out where Family Guy landed. Was I a fan because it's a funny postmodern take on the "Honeymooners"-style fat white guy/family sitcoms? Or was it just bad TV that was occasionally funny and I enjoyed it in spite of its badness?

To put it in a slightly weirder way: Is Family Guy more Dane Cook or more George Carlin? (I admit to laughing at Dane Cook's jokes from time to time, but also to staring at him in disbelief the rest of the time).

My hunch had always been that Family Guy good. But it does seem to get shit on by some people. So, uh, anyway, to the point of this post.

I've decided that it's good. And this clip was a big factor, as was Sunday's entire episode. Both are posted below:

Plus, the guy who created this show is from Connecticut, like me. In some weird way, if he is just an over-hyped phony, then I feel like one too.

25 Things About Me

2009-02-08T22:49:00.004-05:00

Interesting times in the world, don't ya think?

I had been entertaining the idea of doing a mock 25 things about me on this blog and it seems some commenters have beaten me to the punch.

Truthfully, I don't really mind the 25 things phenomenon. It's an interesting way to get to know the people on facebook whom you may not be all that good of friends with in the first place. And some of the "things" I've read have been revealing, honest and interesting. (Aside: Is it possible to correctly judge someone based on their choices for the 25 things? Is it possible that your 25 things says a lot about who you are?)

Even more interesting is how quickly it spread. And how media, from Slate to Salon to ABC to USA Today, etc., (I'm not going to link; too lazy) have covered it. You'd have to be locked in a dark hole not to have heard of it.

Of course, I'm never going to actually post my 25 on facebook and tag the 25 people. Not my style. Never has been. (And maybe I'm just afraid that it does say a lot about who you are, and maybe I'm too chicken to find out.)

Ah what the fuck. Here it goes.

1. I try to live a Godly life and always seem to fall short.
2. In high school, some of my friends liked to go cow tipping. I liked to order my steak rare and throw it on the ground.
3. I attended a concert freshman year and got too close to the speakers. Since then, I hear ringing in my ears. At all times. It's worse the quieter it is. (It's called tinnitus.)
4. I try to run every day. Nine times out of ten it's away from someone, like police officers or over-zealous panhandlers. But every once in awhile, I run toward something. Just the other day I found myself next to an extremely attractive woman on an elevator in an apartment building. I let her out first, then bent down to tie my shoe. I looked up and she was gone. So I ran outside, then darted through the parking lot, and caught her getting into a blue Jetta. She took off and I chased, waving my arms and screaming, "Wait!" She must have seen me because she stopped, and I finally caught up. By this time I was sure I was in love. She rolled her window down, and I leaned on the car, breathing heavily. I barely had time to utter a word when I got a second look at her face. Ehhh. Not as attractive as I thought. I asked her if she wanted to buy a timeshare in Canada. Great deal, I said. She didn't seem interested. I kicked her bumper and told her she was an ungrateful slut who deserved nothing but the worst things in life. She drove off. I'm pretty sure I still miss her.
5. When I was little, I broke my arm when I fell off the monkey bars.
6. I am insatiable, but also require very little to be content.
7. Growing up, I had an imaginary friend named Mr. Henley, who looked just like one of my gym teachers. Oddly enough, they had the same name and a shared fondness for molestation.
8. I've never once had a sip of tap water, or milk that came from a nonhuman.
9. I shouldn't be here today. I should be dead. But luckily, May 4, 2003 was not my day to go. On that fateful morning, I was at the bank, waiting for the next available teller. In front of me was a little old lady who smelled of pecans and old people. She decided to turn and initiate conversation. I don't remember what she said, because all I could think was Jesus! Shut the fuck up lady, I don't care. Just then a pair of armed men in ski masks burst through the door and ordered us all to sit facing the far wall. I figured, hey, maybe I'll be on the news. But the damn old lady kept whimpering. She was really killing my buzz. I sent a text to my buddy Ricky. He quickly called me back, and my phone blew up. Damn 50 Cent ring tone. One of the armed men came over and demanded to know, whose phone was it? I made not a sound, and moved not an inch. I did, however, nod in the direction of the whimpering old lady. I waited out the rest of the robbery in drunken bliss.
10. Twenty-five doesn't seem to be enough! Damnit I just wasted one.
11. I'm offering great deals on time shares in Canada. Inquire within. (I'm not sure what that last part means, but it sounds spiritual.)
12. Since third grade I've been hoarding fool's gold, in hopes that one day it will be as rare as a virgin hooker, and then I will be rich.
13. Skipping this one, like they do with tall buildings.
14. I'm trying to broaden my horizons. I'm learning a new phrase in 80 different languages.
Pode arranhar as minhas costas?
15. I'm understanding if you don't share my sense of humor. I just don't want to talk to you.
16. I feel like I used to each fish sticks a lot more than I do now. Is there a fish stick shortage?
17. Seriously, when I find the person who puked in my closet that night I got really wasted, I'm going to kick his ass.
18. That fateful morning, my text to Rickey read as follows: "getin robbed, call me so I can get old lady killed".
19. I wore a kilt to my prom and everyone laughed. Then I pulled my kilt up to moon them and they laughed even harder. Years later I realized I forgot to take out my anal beads.
20. Cheerios, like most prescription drugs, are good for your heart. That's why I crush them up and snort 'em. I have a terrible habits and a terrible diet! Get to work saving me Cheerios!
21. Some guy, according to the movie Donnie Darko, said that "cellar door" was the most beautiful phrase in the English language. For my 2 cents, I think it's "finger fucking."
22. Sometimes I giggle to myself when I fart.
23. My pin number is 058699. Try to come rob me, I dare you. I'm right here. Come on, motherfucker, show me something!
24. Sweet mother-of-mary-baby-jesus-lord-hallelujah-christ-almighty-satan's-little-helper this has been a complete waste of time.
25. It's all about the B E N J A M I N S.

Also, I find that I'm very, very attracted to soccer boys.

Damn I might do a new one of these every week. What's next facebook!? Bring it on!

Friendly reminder

2009-02-04T19:14:00.001-05:00

Always wear your seat belt.

Arrested Development

2009-01-28T13:38:00.003-05:00

A friend turned me onto this show, Arrested Development, which has been off the air for a few years now. Although I had heard great things, I was skeptical a network comedy could live up to the quality of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm, Flight of the Conchords, or FX's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, or Showtime's Weeds, etc., etc.

I'm here to tell you that, if you haven't seen it, it just may blow all of those other shows out of the water. And my inveterate readers, fear not; I'm not some cock tease. You can watch the whole thing over at Hulu. Here's the link to the Pilot. Start here, and watch them all, if you can find the time (and you should).

Here's what sets Arrested Development apart from the rest, in my opinion. First, the show builds on itself. It has just as many references to future episodes as it does to past ones. This makes the punchlines layered, like a delicious cake of funniness. And, as you can no doubt tell, it's almost too hard to explain. You just need to watch.

It also means you'll need to be a bit patient. Because it's so involved ... that's not the right word, but stick with me ... you'll need to watch at least half of the first season to start to "get" it. And you'll need to get into the third (and final) season before you can consider yourself a fan.

It also wouldn't hurt to gander at the Wikipedia page, which explains some of the references that, being current events, make a little less sense now.

(As an example, during one scene, Jason Bateman says to Jeffrey Tambor, who is lying, "You're a regular Brad Garrett." Garrett had recently beaten Tambor for a Best Supporting Actor Emmy. The entire cast, from David Cross to Alia Shawkat to, yes, the starting-to-annoy-me Michael Cera, is lifted by the brilliant writing and deserves awards. And, oh my God, Will Arnett as Gob...)

Another quick reason why AD is head and shoulders above the rest: every minute of every show is valuable. It adds something to the show. From the opening moments to the closing "epilogue" ("On the next Arrested Development...") you don't want to miss any part. A few times, like well into my sixth episode of the day, I'd get up to throw something away or go to the bathroom for a minute. It was too much to miss. I had to rewind that sucker.

I'll briefly describe the show so I can make one more quick example. The show is about a wealthy family whose patriarch has been put in jail for many, many crimes. It's basically an inside look at an Enron or Tyco family, those insanely rich crooks. (Needless to say, it's still quite timely.)

OK, so for a long time the family's attorney is Barry Zuckercorn, who is played hilariously by Henry Winkler. Then he is replaced (as the show's ratings continued to underperform, more on that later). By whom? By Scott Baio, who replaced Winkler (to much Hollywood drama, one presumes) on the set of Happy Days. It's just one of the many inside-Hollywood jokes you'll start to appreciate. And I haven't even told you Baio's character's name, which is such a perfect name for a lawyer. The show milks it for all it's worth. You'll just have to watch.

Am I preaching to the choir here? Am I just one of those way-too-late bandwagon jumpers that you just want to blow off the wagon with a cannon? Hey, at least I made it on before the movie.

When I wake up, it's too sunny out; I squint

2009-01-28T03:51:00.003-05:00

Today John Updike died, and crassly, that seems like as good a reason I need to start blogging again. I gave my mother a list of about 30 authors whose books I wouldn't mind getting for Christmas. Updike was on there, and I guess he was extra-available on eBay, because I ended up getting like 10 of his books. They've sat, unread, alongside the other novels I got this year. Only a few - the short-story collections - have been cracked open.

Irrelevant, I know.

As to why I haven't been blogging (or reading) there is probably an easy, five-word answer (guesses allowed). But I'll opt for the more complex one.

The excuse-maker in me wants to blame conditions. Last semester, I was around a computer anywhere from 8-15 hours a day, or more. I did, on average, probably 2 hours of actual work, and maybe 2 more hours of work combined with toggling between Facebook, YouTube, texting, staring, reading stuff I wanted to read, etc.

That left a lot of damn free time spent on the computer. Very conducive to blogging. And when I knew I had to read some really boring stuff, I felt like I could cheat the system by reading something I wanted to, because at least I was reading! (It's often too easy to delude myself). This, very conducive to reading.

This semester, I'm not in school, and I have an easy job that doesn't require much, if any, brain activity (though late nights are required). It's hard for me to drag myself to the computer now, because no news is good news these days. I rarely find the energy or desire to want to sit in this uncomfortable chair and tap out something hopefully worth reading.

Don't get me wrong - I have plenty of time on my hands. This Monday, I had no plans, so I did nothing. I was just following what was on my Stephen Colbert Desk Calendar. It was blank; I was blank. The whole damn day.

But enough excuses! I've often thought of this blog as something of a conversation, maybe one that I should be having in real life, or that is simply impossible in real life. (Obligatory: What is "real" anyway?).

Anyway, for the few of you who have kept checking often and found nothing, I'm sorry. Consider it one of those long, awkward silences that I surely would have broken up with a loud, obvious comment. And to those who used to check often, but don't, 'cuz damn if I'll be burned again... Look, I know you're at work. And bored. I'm probably sleeping. I know you'd like something to do to get through the day. I'll try to make up for the lost time.

Confessions of a Teen Idol

2009-01-05T14:59:00.005-05:00

There's a new reality show in town, put on by the folks at VH1, who care so little about what they put on the television it should be illegal.

It's called Confessions of a Teen Idol, and the premise is a doozy: A bunch of tools who used to be barely famous live in a house and try to revive their stalled careers. Did I mention that Scott Baio is the host? You may remember Baio as the tool from Charles in Charge. But did you know he recently became famous again? How did he do this? By getting his own reality show -- no, make that two reality shows -- on VH1.

And did you know that Jason Hervey is a producer of the show? You should. He used to be famous as the friend on Wonder Years. He recently regained some fame by being Scott Baio's friend on Baio's two reality shows. Jason Hervey is the proud son of Marsha and Alan Hervey. Marsha is a talent agent; Alan is a retail sales manager. He also married a porn star. This is all courtesy of Wikipedia.

Why is it important that you know this? It is most certainly not. But importance is a relative thing these days.

Hervey and Baio are mere bit players this time around, like TJ Lavin hosting Real World challenges. He's like, uh, I'm just a bit more famous than the formerly famous people on this show, so I have some credibility which I will lend to their careers, etc.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s and I only recognize two of the guys on this show; both are from "Baywatch," which is described as the No.-1-TV-show-in-America too many times to count. The "preview blog" on the show (and you see why I strongly dislike that word) says the men will bond together because, as former stars, they all share a common experience and even "speak a different language."

That language is douchebagtalk. Or douchebagspeak, for the Orwellians among us. DBS is a rare disease by which the afflicted are constantly remembering how awesome they used to be, compared with their current state, and talk in a slightly hidden way that drapes a thin veil over the meaning of their words. What they are really saying is this: Back when I was barely famous, I used to get pissy drunk with other famous people and I could fuck anyone I want. I did drugs, I spent money, I probably picked up a venereal disease. And now that I'm not famous anymore, life sucks, so I'm going to try to become famous again by being on a TV show about being formerly famous.

That being picked to be on this TV show is probably the best thing to happen to these people and their careers is never mentioned. And let me be clear: it's not the therapist they have to go to or Hervey's impassioned pleas (which are part of the show) that are going to help these gentlemen. It's just being on TV. No matter what it is. There is no such thing as bad publicity and everyone in the world, it seems, is out to prove it.

But they're never going to admit that on VH1. It breaks the fourth wall of reality TV, that you're not supposed to be acting, even though the show is written, and needs storylines, and sometimes these storylines are bullshit, and the people are acting.

But, then, what is acting? When is unprofessional acting on a reality show just being a dick? If I'm normally a nice person, but I am a dick for three months on a reality show, or the show is edited to show me at my most dick-like, am I then a dick? Or am I still the nice guy? Can I say I was just pretending? What if I'm marginally more dick-like in real life than on TV? Does any of this matter?

Which is more real: How I am or How I am on TV? Which is viewed more? Which becomes the real, whether we like it or not?

Too many questions for such a terrible, terrible TV show. I should be honest. I also recognize the guy from 90210. These guys are so pathetic and sad it makes me sad. The show itself is so much about failure it makes me feel like a failure. Because I'm the sad sack of shit watching this at home. These people have already had and lost more than I'll ever know, probably. And I'm reduced to watching them, and feeling slightly better than them, which is the point. It's the same reason they show the awful singers on American Idol, the same reason why we laugh at the person kicked off the Island first. It's all just a big game of status that we watch because we're losing the game in our own lives. Maybe if I was somebody, I wouldn't have to watch these nobodies.

But as long as I fail outside of the public eye, I still have my 15 minutes left. And that's a good thing these days.

Vacation's over

2009-01-05T14:49:00.002-05:00

My apologies for the prolonged vacation from this blog. This, of course, is directed to the faithful who continued to check it almost daily without anything new for about two weeks.

So thanks.

And...this is going to be short.

If I have a minute later on, I'll write about a new show that I saw last night. Looks like a doozy.

Anyway, expect more frequent updates from now on.

Welcome home

2008-12-24T04:53:00.003-05:00

So I went home for the holidays yesterday. Flew. Had a connecting flight in D.C. - Ronald Reagan International Airport (ugh...).

Anyway my Dad picked me up at LaGuardia, the airport in N.Y. We're driving home in some pretty heavy traffic. I don't need to remind you it's two days before Christmas.

So we're in the right lane somewhere in N.Y., trying to make our way to the left lane. Next to us, to our left, is a big, ugly dump truck of some sort. It's trying to make its way to the right lane. So my Dad speeds up a bit, and moves to the left, allowing the truck to move to the right behind him. Seemed legit, if a tad bit aggressive. Happens all the time, right?

Well I'm in the front passenger seat of the sedan. I turn and look at the dump truck. I barely catch a glimpse of the driver; he looked like you would suspect a N.Y. dump truck driver to look like. Rugged. Ugly. Anyway I look up, we make brief eye contact. And he spits.

Like, right at me. The wind carries it backward, and it lands on the back passenger side window. One big loogie and a few streaks of mucus just plastered there on the window.

As N.Y. Post columnist Cindi Adams would say: Only in New York, kids, Only in New York.

My Dad didn't even notice, so I pointed it out to him. The rest of the ride home, he'd let everyone cut in front of him.

"Don't want to get spit on again," he'd say.

I kind of wanted to fight that truck driver, like maybe one punch with a roll of quarters, or something even more vicious. But in the end, I had to laugh. What a welcome home!

Now it's like 5 a.m. and I'm up for no conceivable reason. And it's snowing.

Happppppy holidays.

On graduation, or...

2008-12-17T00:50:00.006-05:00

...Why I don't have successful chit-chat

As most readers of this blog already know (I salute you, loyal readers!) I recently graduated from the University of South Carolina.

Some have begun to ask me, "What's it like?" or "How do you feel?"

I usually answer: "Weird," "Interesting," "Scary" or "I don't know" - then sort-of stare at the person as I ponder my future and they generally get creeped out.

While all those answers are basically true (the last being the closest) I think the picture has started to become clearer.

What's it like to graduate?

It's confusing. It's lonely. It's disorienting. In it's infinite freedom it feels shockingly constricting. With the options full and vast, the lack of small choices and a set purpose is like the floor dropping out from underneath you and the walls moving away yet you cannot move. You don't fall when the floor moves away, you're merely suspended there, with guilt and fear that maybe you should fall, or that you can at any moment.

I think when I came to college there was some unconscious feeling that I would begin to be defined by my time there and that, at the End, that far away thing, there would be something tangible. Not a degree or a job but a tangible person, an identity and maybe even a direction.

I'm sure that over the years I've ruled out a few things; I've come to know I am not this type of person or I'm not going to be interested in this or that. But I don't know that I've been able to, in a sense, learn enough about myself to get an idea of who I'm going to be. That to look ahead to the next 15 years and where I'll be is to look back at the past 4 years and where they've gone. You begin to wonder if artificially significant events like a graduation will be a turning point, just like the artificially significant event of going off to college. School is that weird time where you spend all your time accomplishing things so that you can accomplish more things in the future. And a recent graduation affords you the ability to be suspended in time between your old life as a youngster and your new life as an adult. There's an inherent inconsonance there.

I think it's why my instinct is to run back to school. The safe place; the place I've known since I began knowing.

It's a weird, interesting and scary time.

(And imagine if I hoisted all of this self-absorbed existential nonsense on an innocent passer-by?)

Sounds of the city

2008-12-13T15:40:00.004-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I have a bit of a hearing problem. By that I mean, when I went to get my hearing tested about two years ago, the reaction was basically: Holy fuck you can't hear, I'd look into hearing aids.

To which I said, "Hell, no; I'm 20 years old, I'm not getting a hearing aid like some goddamn old person."

So I soldier on.

Anyway I bring that up to tell you a quick story. For a long while, when I was stuck at a red light or cruising through Columbia I would always hear this rhythmic sound, like someone ritualistically banging on a cowbell, but more forceful, and with impeccable timing. Over and over I'd hear this sound, having no idea what it was, or where it came from.

Like many confused souls, I made up my own conclusion. I thought it had something to do with construction. There is always something being constructed in Columbia, so I thought this was like some cement mixer or some way to break down concrete that I don't even know about. I almost was at the point where I was going to accost a construction worker and ask him what the hell that noise was.

Then I figured it out. It's the Walk/Don't Walk things on the side of the streets. They go off when you're supposed to walk, or when you're not supposed to walk, I'm not sure which. It's for blind people, I assume. For years I had no idea. And then one day, not too long ago, I just figured it out somehow. Maybe it was a "good" hearing day (I have those). Now that I know the origin, it is so shockingly obvious that I'm quite embarrassed.

It's like the time I finally put together that George Rogers Blvd. is named after George Rogers (although there was no disability excuse for that, unless you count obliviousness).

And I'm worried, too. How many other sounds do I hear that I completely misplace? I know I can't hear when people talk, sometimes. Most of my friends know about this, and gently chide me about it. But how many other noises out there have I completely mistook for something else? It's scary. Makes me want to get a hearing aid.

Not going to do that, though.

Bed...Bath...and BEYOND

2008-12-13T12:59:00.006-05:00

Today, I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and I thought I'd describe the experience for you.

The store is located on Garner's Ferry Road, in the Target shopping center (that I'm sure has a name, I'm just not aware of it). Inside is, as you'd expect, full of all your bed and bath needs. I think the Beyond either refers to the Kitchenware section, or the assortment of Hannah Montana trinkets placed near the registers, in an obvious attempt to attract children as they wait in line next to their parents.

The store has an organized structure, although it's not immediately comprehensible. I saw signs for the aforementioned Kitchenware section, which had sub-headings like "utensils" and "cookware." Other signs, however, merely state the products' brand names, which were completely useless to me, and might as well been in French (Perhaps some were, I didn't have a notebook with me to record them). I think my ability to navigate this store in less than a half-hour bodes well for when I travel overseas.

The store is also quite cleverly designed. The high ceiling allows products to be stacked and hung well above eye-level, anywhere from 15-20 feet, which for most non-NBA players is unreachable. They also flood the aisles with little product booths. So as you walk around with your head cocked upward, you bump into these things, and apparently the effect is supposed to be one of, "Oh, look what I just bumped into, maybe I should purchase this item." I am happy to report the tactic was ineffective on me.

My purpose

I'm not really an impulse buyer, save the occasional pack of gum or peanut M&M's. So my trip to BB&B had three clear purchases in mind:

1. Lint Roller - I washed a pair of khakis with some new towels, and dried them together, so my pants had a thin layer of purple lint plastered on them.* Thus, a lint roller. And to preempt the questions, yes, I bought a purple towel, and yes, it is pretty bad-ass.

2. Dryer Balls - I'm never satisfied after I do a load of laundry. Always, the pants are too wrinkled, the shirts get messed up a bit, and just overall the dryer sheets I use don't reduce static cling enough for my liking. These Dryer Max Dryer Balls got a good write-up in The Gamecock**, and I thought the concept sounded cool. I was horrified when I got them that they had "As Seen on TV" plastered on the packaging, which made me think: scam. As you can see on the site, these are the same ass-holes behind ShamWow and Cash 4 Gold. This is so sad, but I hope they fluff up my laundry a bit, otherwise I'll be so disappointed that I actually bought them. I'm literally crying as I type this.

3. The third item was going to be bed-lifts. My bed is currently just a mattress atop a box spring, and I wanted to get that sucker off the ground. I was assured by my mother, who reads this blog so infrequently as to cause mental distress, that I could find some lifting device at BB&B. I did, but they were for beds that already had a bed frame, so: useless. But I did notice a large assortment of loofahs, and I remembered I wanted/needed one, so that became my third item.

People in BB&B

Around 90% of the items in BB&B can be picked up and/or smelled. The practical result of this is that everyone around the store is either handling or checking the odor of the thing they may buy. All around the store, everyone sniffing, smelling, touching, squeezing.

The men in the store look as clueless as I was. Only when they are on their cell phone, presumably with the wife, or maybe the wife's good friend, do their expressions turn from exasperation to a stern, quizzical look, as if they're solving a crime. One guy on his cell phone looked very serious. A little while later, I saw him and his son on the massage chairs (Beyond!), and he seemed very amused (can I say it was sexual, almost? Too creepy?).

The women are on another level, a higher mission, and one I'll never understand enough to write about here.

How it went

It's semi-difficult to find someone who works at BB&B while you're there, but not too bad. Once I did find a guy, he was very friendly. He took me right to the dryer balls, and even handed them to me. I can't imagine, though, being able to sleep at night knowing exactly where the dryer balls are. I think I'd rather not know.

Of course, this was after about four laps of the store, and I took about two or three more by the time I left. The last two laps I spent considering the different colors of the loofahs offered. I'm pretty sure they were all meant for women, so I had to pick the least womanly of them, for my mental health (which is, as you may have guessed, quite unstable). I can't just mosey up to the register with a pink loofah. I'd have a convulsion.

For the lint rollers, at first I had a three-pack that would have cost me $10, because it looked like the only one being offered. This was about two and two-thirds more lint rolls than I needed. Luckily, on the next lap (or was it two laps later?) I found the lint roller section, which was about three feet wide and twenty feet high. The Giant Roller was out of reach (I assume they'll see sales of these at all-time lows. I'm pretty tall and couldn't touch them with my hand). I bypassed the rollers that had pictures of dogs, etc., on them, and eventually settled on AMERICA'S #1 SELLING LINT ROLLER, the ALL-in-One, 50% STICKIER dry cleaner grade tape, evercare PROFESSIONAL LINT ROLLER, good for Clothes, Pets, Home and Auto. I'm staying true to the capitalization of the packaging for your benefit. It worked fine on the khakis. $3.99.

The register

Once I got to the register, or in line for the register, I felt like you must feel now: Thank God, is this thing almost over? So I stood in line and the lady in front turns and says, "Would you like some coupons? They never expire." I said Sure. "How many things do you have, three? Here's three coupons." They were each for 20% off, which meant savings of:

1. Loofah, or mesh sponge, $2.99 reduced $0.60 to $2.39
2. Lint Roller, $3.99 reduced $0.80 to $3.19
3. Dryer Balls, $9.99 reduced $2.00 to $7.99

That's a grand total of $3.40 of savings. Yes, I do feel like these coupons were wasted on me, but that's at least one drink at the bar I saved, so I'm not complaining.

The lady also asked the woman behind me if she'd like some coupons. This lady in front of me had an army of coupons. As I waited, I read them, and they did have an expiration date, but apparently that is ignored. The woman behind me said, I do have coupons, can you use more than one? "You can use up to five per person per visit," coupon lady said, as if trained. I have no idea where she got this information.*** Thank you so much! the woman behind me said, in that false cheery voice adult women like to use. The woman behind me had a daughter who was just precious. She kept asking, can I have just a couple of those candies from that box? Just a couple? And the woman was like, yeah, uh, no it's almost lunch time. Which spawned this note to self: Give my kid come candy if she wants it, dammit. Too cute. At least she ignored the Hannah Montana coffee mug/calendar or whatever it was. Anyway...

The woman working the register deserves a raise. She was working her ass off. Sorry for the wait, she said; I had waited like a minute or two at most. Plus I got coupons out of it, so really, no big deal. I swear if you told me this woman had four arms I wouldn't argue with you.

So that's that. No real big conclusions drawn here. The music playing in the background was Christmas music, which I don't enjoy. I remember hearing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," and thinking, uh, yeah right. But the coupon lady, and the lady behind me, and the guy who helped me, none gave me a reason to think otherwise. So, maybe it is.****

EXTRA STUFF YOU REALLY CAN SKIP IF I'VE ALREADY BORED YOU ENOUGH:

*Only of interest to those who have a grammar fetish. Why can't a single pair of pants be singular? Am I wrong that it's plural? It's weird: Take that pair of pants and put it/them on. I don't know. And I get paid to know this shit.

**Not sarcastic, really. Seriously. OK, a little.

***Rumor going around the office: BB&B coupons will expire, starting Jan. 1. Apparently this is news, and quite startling news at that. I didn't have the heart to tell the lady, though, 'cuz she clearly thought she was on top of that shit.

****It may be, if you discount the floundering economy, and the effect that will have on holiday suicides, which already is like the most popular time to off yourself. Happy holidays :)

UPDATE: As I'm not a prolific shopper, I was out of the loop on this. But apparently, two things: BB&B is common shorthand for the store (I thought I was being somewhat original). And they are legendary for giving out a hell of a lot of coupons, so that lady wasn't too out of the ordinary to have so many.

Also, new feature

2008-12-12T13:14:00.002-05:00

You'll see below each post there is a place for reactions. All you have to do is click one of the four options, then I'll start to get a better idea of what people do/don't like to read on here.

Thanks.

Some things I like that you may not know about

2008-12-12T13:13:00.003-05:00

Banksy.

Scroll through his "outdoors" tab. It's awesome. Pretty much the coolest thing ever.

LCD Soundsystem.

I have yet to meet a single person who knows about this band. Everyone keeps trying to get me hooked on local copycats of John Mayer or Yellowcard. No thanks. Here's "All My Friends." I also recommend "North American Scum" and "I'm Losing My Edge." Their new single is "Someone Great."

Troy Patterson.

I posted him on Facebook a couple times I think. Maybe this is a little "inside baseball," but the dude's lead paragraphs are consistently the best I've read anywhere. That he spends his time reviewing horrible TV trash may actually help him in that area. Here's his review of the Tila Tequila show.

Anthony Jeselnik.

Where is this guy? Here's a link to a couple clips from his stand up. He's hilarious!

This list was supposed to have much more but my brain isn't working. So maybe I'll update it later or just make a new post.

In case of boredom, click links

2008-12-11T14:15:00.005-05:00

Some time ago, I was in a class called "Magazine Writing" (I think that's what it was called).

The whole deal was if the shit you wrote was good they'd post it to the Web site, called "Cyberhemia." I'm posting the link because some friends of I Hate... are featured, so you can browse if you'd like.

Two of my essays are up there:

One is on YouTube, and how videos are getting small and grainy, and if there is a possibility of art in such a medium. The theme of the course was "arts and entertainment," which I wasn't thrilled about, but I did my best all things considered.

Another one was on Heath Ledger's death, and the reaction to it. I'm pretty sure I was way off the topic the professor wanted me to write about. But, whatever, I think it stands on its own.

The real reason for this post is that for the final essay we were supposed to "immerse" ourselves in a given topic and write a heavily researched piece on it. I was lucky enough to have gotten the Monterey Pop Festival. I think my professor was a bit of a Hippie back in the day, or at least he's a big liberal.

Anyway I wrote the damn thing in the library and e-mailed it in. I was tired and grumpy and confused and just generally having one of those days. But I thought what I wrote was pretty good: funny, interesting, personal. But I never had a copy on my computer. And the professor never graded me on it or gave me any feedback. I did get an A in the class, though. But the essay I turned in was so downright crazy I wanted to see what he had to say.

OK so, way too much intro, but I thought the stage had to be set. I found the essay going through my e-mail's "Sent mail" folder (for a completely unrelated reason). So I thought I'd post it here for your enjoyment. Read it, if you'd like, and post a comment, please. I've made only two minor edits.

Jimi Lit the Guitar on Fire, By the Way

I suppose it could be simple enough. Tell the story of the Monterey International Pop Festival, the three-day 1967 event in San Francisco that introduced future legends like Jimi Hendrix and The Who to widespread American audiences. More than 200,000 people attended the Festival in Monterey, Calif., less than 100 miles down the coast from San Francisco, the Hippie capital of the world. But my concern is that all research and immersion aside, I will still not be able to beat the Festival’s Wikipedia page for tone and accuracy. If I take a straightforward approach, give the who, what, where and why of the event as it has been told in the media, what good will that possibly bring? So indulge me, as I write about the drug-infused “Summer of Love,” because I’m going to take a trip of my own.

How can I tell this story better than someone who was there, at the Festival, or at least alive during that time and can testify to the general air that hung over the country? Because in order to fully understand the Monterey Festival, and its importance, you have to consider the Sixties, the Hippies, the Vietnam War and what they all mean in the 21st century.

I know what I think about those things I’ve just listed. I know what most of the media thinks – they’re of that generation and look back upon the free love age with nostalgia and fondness afforded to them by their cushy jobs and pension plans. But what about Americans at large and American culture? As the Baby Boomers start to retire and their ability to shape the conventional narrative expires, what legacy will they have left?

“Monterey – a celebration of youthful naiveté,” writes Grace Slick, of Jefferson Airplane, one of the headline acts in the Festival. “A last desperate whoop of careless freedom,” before the Draft took the men off to Vietnam, writes Glenys Roberts, an attendee, 40 years later in the (UK) Daily Mail. She credits Janis Joplin as the high point. But by 1970, Janis Joplin was dead. So were Jimi Hendrix and Otis Redding, a soul legend. I’ve never known the hope of the Sixties without knowing that, yeah, drugs are probably bad for you, that people died, that the extreme nature of the era probably led to Nixon, Jimmy Carter and, worst yet, the Reagan Conservative Revolution.

So let’s get the established facts out of the way. The music was undoubtedly incredible. I love listening to the rock from this era. Turbulent times lead to great art. Oddly, the media was much more critical of the music when it came out than they are now. And while some like to set up Monterey as the precursor to Woodstock, or a more pure version untainted by mainstream acceptance, the music for both events was essentially the same. Craig McGregor writes in the Times: “The cruelest paradox of the Woodstock nation is that it has been liberated, primarily, by the black race from which it has borrowed its music, dance, language, style and much of its sense of brotherhood – but that so far it has done little to free those who freed it.” Grace Slick would blame others: “For a couple of years in the late sixties, no matter what was going on in the world, our generation happily assumed that with love and education we could change outdated social systems. One huge thing that we missed, 90% of the population is genetically imbued with sub mediocre reasoning skills. No matter how much you hug them or read to them, there’s no correcting stupid.”

Monterey lives on, most likely, because it was recorded and turned into a documentary by director D.A. Pennebaker. It’s sort-of a cool thing to know about when you’re high and talking about great music. “Yea, man,” one might say, “That’s where Hendrix and The Who and Janis Joplin came to America.” Then you'll look up Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit on YouTube and maybe type in “Hendrix Monterey” and call up his performance.

Roberts writes that the Festival “celebrated a genuine new pacifist streak among the young which gathered such momentum that, eight years later, it led to the end of the Vietnam War.” Eight years? Is she really proud of that? Nixon ended the war; do you think he was a crowning achievement of the flower-power movement? She is quick to hedge her fascination with the event – crowing about the dangers of psychedelic drugs as she giddily recalls Timothy Leary telling kids to “turn on, tune in and drop out.” The same crowd that tells me on a near daily basis to apply for internships and work my rear end off so I can get a good job looks back upon their lazy, drug-filled youth with such reverence that the hypocrisy is palpable. We’ve had the fun, they say, we’ve had the craziness, now settle into your pre-packaged, mainstream Main Street existence. And then these same people wonder why we want to hang around the house until we’re 26, or 29, or even later. We’ve largely missed out on the youthful naiveté that you rub in our faces with your superior music and revolution – even one that largely failed.

The supposed “counterculture” that the Hippies thrust upon America is treated with such reverence by the media that I have to be a little suspicious. It seems the Boomers have been writing the rules for a long time now. Newsweek said it best, when it marked the 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love: “The fact is, we're paying a lot more attention to those long-ago months now than we did back then, when they were actually happening… The boomer nostalgia machinery has been running full tilt.” The article goes on to say that it’s difficult to impose coherence on an inherently unruly time. I, for one, am still quite confused how to process it all. And in the meantime, I’ll have my own youthful college rebellion.

I’m rambling now. I haven’t had much sleep. I procrastinated, but I always do that. This may not make much sense. I may not get the grade I want. I know I’m not supposed to discuss grades in a paper, I don’t think, but this is going to be graded, so why not address it? I’ve used too many questions. But that’s all I can come up with. I know I could have done this straightforward, quoted the thirty or so articles I’ve read, and done a good job. But it would have been something that someone else could have done much better. I can only make this unique if I give my own perspective. I’ve been up all night. I had to work late. I couldn’t sleep. I think I’m addicted to the Food Network. I think I’ll have a nap now.

-Steve Yusko, 5/7/2008

UPDATE: In case this isn't abundantly clear, I think the professor for this class thought I was an ass-hole. And he was probably right.

Big 3 Bailout

2008-12-10T19:01:00.003-05:00

This shit is crazy.

I could write for days on this.

But I'm not going to bore you.

My opinion: let 'em fail. They're not very good at what they do. That's why they have no money. So, let 'em fail. Yeah, those 3 million lost jobs are going to suck. But if you can't fix all the holes in the dam, might as well blow the bitch up.

Read this article for a more sane reason.

BONUS: No more Mustangs. Or Hummers. What will the douche bags of the future have to drive?

Plaxico

2008-12-09T23:51:00.004-05:00

So I don't want to waste too much time on this. Three things:

1. Sean Taylor. Sean Taylor. Sean Taylor. Joey Porter. Steve Smith. I'd carry a gun, too. These NFL players have a big target on their heads. I don't blame Plax for wanting to have a gun, he should have (and, I think, could have) done it legally. Or get some dude to follow you around. You are fucking rich.

2. This whole nonsense about the Giants losing focus. It's completely overblown, and is just something for the hundreds of ex-NLF players/jackasses to talk about on TV. They lost a game against a team that needed the win much, much more. The Giants are 11-2, and have dealt with Plaxico-related issues for years now, including last year, when they won the Super Bowl. Like I said I'm trying to not waste too much time on this, but it's utter bullshit. Which brings me to:

3. ESPN. And sports media in general. But especially ESPN. They cover sports-related stories like the Plaxico thing with all the nuance and sense of perspective that cable news channels have. Which is to say: none. They are the ones who ask all the questions about Plaxico, rephrasing them again and again to try to get the players to say something controversial or worthy of Sportscenter. And then they are the exact same people who say, "Well, with all these questions, you wonder how they will keep focus." And then if the Giants win, they say, brilliant job keeping focus. If they lose, it's all due to lack of focus.

Maybe the fucking Eagles won because the Giants didn't play well and the Eagles wanted to win more and thereby scored more points than the Giants. Why is every game like some Desperate Housewives psychodrama? I just don't get it. Attn: ESPN. YOU ARE RUINING SPORTS. Please stop, thanks.

SNL: 12/6/08

2008-12-09T22:47:00.002-05:00

I'm generally a SNL hater. I thought Mad TV was funnier, until I actually watched whole episodes of that show from start to finish, and then just found something else to do on Saturday nights.

But I found myself with nothing to do last Saturday after work and tuned in to SNL. It had to be one of the funniest post-Will Ferrell show yet.

The driving forces behind the laughter were Andy Samberg and host John Malkovich. Samberg had a great sketch where he played the 9-year-old boy who wrote the book on how to talk to girls. Samberg's M.O. is the same almost every time: set you up by lulling you into a slight boredom, and then hit you with some mighty offensive/hilarious stuff. He did it here, predictably, by dropping some actual no-holds-barred advice.

That "Mi Scuzi" guy from EuroTrip did a funny Boy George. He might actually have talent. And Kenan did a funny Plaxico. I mean, when you shoot yourself in the leg it's like a 75 mph fastball down the middle for comedy.

Malkovich was funny by appealing to his inner Walken and being as weird and creepy as can be.

There was another skit where he played like a deformed pre-teen girl that was so sick and funny but I don't think NBC has it up. It was just plain weird, too.

Then, of course, the kicker. I'm not going to give away the title, but I'm sure most of you have seen it now. It so completely took me by surprise. I thought they were saying "piss" because the alternative, I thought, couldn't be broadcast on TV. I was wrong. I rewound the damn thing on my DVR and nearly cried. Watch below:

Don't expect much...

2008-12-09T21:08:00.002-05:00

...from I Hate... between now and and Jan. 1. Work plus a trip home means less time for blogging. When the new year starts, I'll see if there isn't something to spice this thing up, maybe attract more visitors. Until then, look for the usual, only slightly less updated.

Ch-Ch-Changes

2008-12-06T22:10:00.004-05:00

OK, so I realize this is my third post on late-night TV in a short time.

But bear with me.

Because the institutions of late night TV are as American as apple pie.

And in 2009, we're in for a change.

Conan is set to take over at The Tonight Show in March, and Jimmy Fallon will fill in behind Conan at Late Night.

I'm a big Conan fan, and I'm excited about the move. But that leaves a gaping hole at the 12:30* time, because Jimmy Fallon is a ginormous tool, and Craig Ferguson (at CBS) has a thick accent.**

But I'll get to that below. What I want to say most is how torn I'm going to be between Conan and David Letterman. I've always been a Dave and Conan guy. CBS first, NBC after. Conan is kind of like the people's champ, and a college-age king, so I'm interested to see what he does with The Tonight Show. But, if you haven't been watching, Dave has been putting on the best late night TV I have ever seen.

It isn't as crazy as the old Dave or the old Conan (Dave would fuck with drive-thru people, Conan and his masturbating bear). But it's GOOD. Like, extremely well done.

Two things are contributing, I think.

1. Dave becoming a father. It has given him a new outlook, and an entirely different attitude. He seems more upbeat, which makes him that much funnier. He hosts like the show is just something he does, like it's unimportant, which gives it a breeziness that is quite appealing. A little while ago, Dave had Biff put his son's teddy bear on that fake bridge backdrop. This, right before he had Barack Obama on. Listening to Dave as he describes a conversation with his son is funny, emotional and just damn good TV. When he talks about having a child, he does it in such a universal way. It's so easy to imagine yourself in his shoes.

2. Politics (well, related to 1.). I think Dave, the king of irony and self-deprecation, got a new outlook on life after he became a father. I think he started to care more about the future. And he got political. He went after Bush all the time, with stuff like "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches." He got into heated fights will Bill O'Reilly. He was firm and vocal about his anti-war views, and, to me, served as the Cronkite-like moral voice of our era. When Dave was against it, you knew something was wrong.

More than ever, Dave is just doing what he wants. And his instincts are good. I suggest tuning in.

I'm not sure I've convinced you, after reading what I just wrote. Here's another example. When Paris Hilton came on, right after she went to jail, she kept trying to change the subject. But that's all he wanted to talk about. And he kept bringing it up, again and again. It was a little uncomfortable, but extremely funny. And I think it's exactly what his viewers wanted to hear about, too.

And when John McCain snubbed him for Katie Couric (over the whole campaign-on-hold economy fiasco), he stole an internal feed to show McCain having makeup applied before his Couric interview. And the CBS News people were pissed but he just laughed at 'em. Then he had Couric on and spent the whole time making fun of Sarah Palin, basically. He forgot to talk about the McCain snub, and someone wrote an article about it in the NY Post. So he just puts a segment in the next day where he calls Couric to talk about it, and he goofs around with her until she's like, uh, I got to go, I have a show, too. It's genius in its simplicity and damn funny.

Stuff like this keeps happening. It's must-see TV.

UPDATE: I'm always trying to think, in my head, of three people, dead or alive, I'd like to have as dinner guests. It used to be a question they'd always ask athletes in the NY Post, which I grew up reading.*** Dave is always on the list. The other two are always the hardest. Carlin, Taibbi, David Foster Wallace, Bill Hicks, etc., etc. Maybe I'll have a post about this later.

*- One possibility is that ABC will nab Leno and bump Jimmy Kimmel back a little, which would instantly give them a huge place in the late night TV world that they've never had (presumably, assuming people watch The Tonight Show for Leno and not due to some brand or institutional loyalty.). And it would give me something to watch at 12:30 (Kimmel is a funny dude, but he relies on his security guards too much, and their stuff is inconsistent and often boring. But overall a funny show.)

**- I'm like legally deaf and accents are very hard to understand, especially on a small TV with tinny speakers. And captioning ruins jokes. I do think Ferguson is quite funny, though.

***And whose flashy and often offensive headlines are the type I instinctively come up with first when I'm writing headlines for a newspaper (if, say, that were my job, which I'm not confirming or denying). Some quick examples:

Holy Shiite (about the Koran in the toilet story)
Kiss Your Asteroid Goodbye
Wacko Jacko Backo
Let U$ Prey (About rapist priests...something about money too)
Hill No! (Clinton says she'll never run for president)
Jiggle All The Way (About getting boob jobs for Christmas)

It's a celebration

2008-12-05T14:30:00.003-05:00

Today was the last day I had to attend undergraduate college. So we're celebrating at I Hate...Have a drink, be merry!

I thought the best way to express my emotions is through song. And really, what is more beautiful than an upbeat early 90s techno dance song. Songs like:

Shi-pow-pow!

That didn't get your heart beating? How about this?

Oh yea, now you're groovin'

What's next?

Listen to that riff! Oh man... And that falsetto! OK I don't really know what a falsetto is.

More here!
And here!
And here!

Ace of Base: Awesome

Don't stop

Doesn't this just make you want to dance. Like, say, this nice young lady:

Didn't get everything? Leave a link in the comments.

But don't forget: THE BEST SONG EVER!

Why I'm angry all the time and in most of these posts...

2008-12-03T23:18:00.004-05:00

I don't know.

And fuck you for asking.

In other news, I thought I'd post the Web site for the paper I've been work at for the past semester.

There are some good stories on there, including one giving background on Olympic-sensation Michael Phelps' visit to Columbia.

Check 'em out if you're bored.

ALSO: Check out the comments of the Clemson-Carolina post. Some good discussion going on there.

Congratulations grad!

2008-12-03T11:04:00.007-05:00

I hesitate to do this, because for all I know he's probably a nice guy. But I am in a foul mood, so might as well just fucking do it.

I received this e-mail yesterday. Feel free to just skim over it, I'll be commenting on it below:

Dear Graduate,

Congratulations on your achievement! As you prepare to embark on a new journey, after your graduation from the University of South Carolina, the Office of Student Government and I would like to be the first to wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors. With all of your hard work finally paying off, we urge you to continue to keep in consideration the Commencement Ceremonies which are fast approaching.

It is well known that the Commencement Ceremonies are important to everyone involved. There are certain standards that must be maintained in order to preserve the sanctity and integrity of this special moment. It is important that you remain present for the duration of the ceremony to avoid the confusion and disorder of early departure. Also, please encourage your relatives and guests to minimize cheers and shouts as your name is announced-your fellow Gamecocks behind you may not hear their names called during this once in a lifetime event if there is excessive noise. As the Ceremony should last no more than two hours, we do ask that you remember to offer others the same courtesy that you deserve. Together we can make this year's Commencement Ceremony the best ever!

I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this serious matter. Once again, congratulations on all of your achievements to date. I am confident there will be many more to come!

Best regards,

Andrew Gaeckle
Student Body President
USC Student Government

OK, let's start from the top. "Embark on a new journey?" Is that the best way you can describe it? And people wonder why I hate commencement ceremonies. It's because they are filled with this hallow language and bullshit.

Also: "I would like to be the first to wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors." Well, thank you. While you are certainly the first to congratulate me for graduating, seeing how I haven't graduated yet, you are not the first to wish me the best of luck in my endeavors. And considering what some of these endeavors are going to be, I doubt you'd want me to have very much luck at them at all. Because my first endeavor is to rip your e-mail in a barely read blog post. They'll just get worse after that.

Then, OK, to the business at hand, Mr. Gaeckle, the "Commencement Ceremonies" which you insist on capitalizing throughout, needlessly. What follows is corporate gibberish that boils down to: Stay in your seat through the whole ceremony, and don't cheer. What a novelty it would have been if the e-mail said that.

Instead we get: "It is important that you remain present for the duration of the ceremony to avoid the confusion and disorder of early departure."

And then: "...please encourage your relatives and guests to minimize cheers and shouts as your name is announced – your fellow Gamecocks behind you may not hear their names called during this once in a lifetime event if there is excessive noise."

I completely agree that people should generally STFU at these things. I would probably go if everyone promised to say as little as possible, but my guess is they'll have some speakers up there going on and on with gibberish of the kind featured in this e-mail.

BRIEF RESPITE: Yesterday I watched Cash Cab. One question was: What is the latin term that means "It does not follow." The answer was: non sequitur. We use the term, sometimes, to refer to a comment that has nothing to do with a preceding comment. Example, from WIKIAnswers: The electoral college is an antiquated system, so I think I'll go shopping.

Another example, from Mr. Gackckkel: "As the Ceremony should last no more than two hours, we do ask that you remember to offer others the same courtesy that you deserve."

OK, so this forces me to ask: What if they Ceremony were longer? Shorter? Would that then mean I should forget to offer others the same courtesy? Do I then not deserve the courtesy? Why is the courtesy based on how long the Ceremony is going last? And Why is Ceremony Capitalized?

"Together we can make this year's Commencement Ceremony the best ever!"

Seriously? It's a December graduation. I don't know who is speaking at it. These things generally are tedious and boring. Does anyone really expect this to be the best ever? Is this supposed to be sarcastic? I would be so much happier if this was sarcasm.

Finally, the last paragraph. My comments in ( ).

"I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this (SUPER)serious matter (Oh, yeah, this is life or death here, buddy). Once again, congratulations on all of your achievements to date (Of which you know nothing about, and trust me, they're limited). I am confident there will be many more to come! (From where do you generate this confidence? Because we go to the same school?)"

Thanks for the form e-mail, you've given a minimal effort to address a ridiculous situation and accomplished nothing.

Have a nice fucking day.

Notes on Clemson-Carolina 2008

2008-11-29T14:43:00.008-05:00

I’ll address the Carolina football mess in quick hits, as anything that gets to be more than a few paragraphs has proven to degrade into a rambling mess of obscenities and obfuscation.

First, Carolina:

Smelley

Does not belong on a field wearing a Carolina jersey. Even if he had managed a late game comeback, it would have been like a guy who set the bomb being called a hero for evacuating the victims. All by himself, he made Carolina look like a bunch of idiots (which they may or may not be).

Adapting Suess, for Spurrier:

I will not start him here or there.

I will not start him anywhere.

I do not like that Smelley man.

I do not like him, Steve-I-am.

This season

Didn’t turn out like we thought, huh? The N.C. State, Arkansas and Ole Miss wins look better now, don’t they? Or is it that the Georgia loss and the LSU loss look worse? And Vandy? Two years in a row? We had a big opportunity here and blew it. Which brings me to:

Spurrier

You just can’t add it up. If you bring in an offensive mastermind to coach, you can’t have what we have now: The only thing worth mentioning in the past four years is a Lou Holtz-recruited quarterback having a couple of good games and a defense that, when given a chance, can look outstanding. Other than exposure, what has Spurrier done that another coach couldn’t have? Four years in and the only hope at QB is a kid who is either dumb as a truck or whom Spurrier personally dislikes. Either of those sound appealing? Is the need for a Darrin Horn-type hire not dreadfully apparent to everyone? Dissenting opinions, please.

Garcia

Damnit I still like him. Make the playbook like 10 plays (hell we used the same stupid sneak play twice against Clemson) and let him run around out there. Make sure his options read: Look for Barnes, then look for Saunders, then run like hell. OK, I’m coaching here. I don’t know enough about the game to do that. But I did sit and watch the game today and get depressed as hell.

Clemson

Everything about this team is ugly. The colors. The fans. The uniforms. The players. The field. Their stadium. That rock. The town. Their helmets. Their conference. If only we could beat them...it’d help make their record match the rest of ‘em.

Florida

They call it “The Swamp” because something is in the water. It’s probably chemical. The whole place smells like shit. I hate Florida.

Georgia

You ever watch these thugs play? It's disgusting. Their grad school is the state penitentiary.

Tennessee

Sucks. So does Lane Kiffin.

The only silver lining in the whole thing is that Dabo Swinney is more likely to keep his job. That's a good thing, I think. Because he's not very good. We should have been beaten by 60.

I remember thinking up a really good insult during the game that involved a horribly offensive joke, but I've forgotten it now. Maybe it's for the best. I'm not editing this damn thing because I don't care enough to, so I don't mind if a few names are misspelled, etc.

If I think up anything else, I'll add it.

And who cares about the bowl game. It's time for Spurrier (or whoever is next in line) to remember that Clemson-Carolina sets the tone for the whole season. Today is case and point of that fact.

UPDATE: OK, minor edit. Not that it 'sets the tone' but that as goes the Clemson-Carolina game, goes our season. If we beat them its always a little better and more successful than if we lose. Imagine a few scenarios by which we have one more conference loss and a Clemson win. Very few of you would not take the Clemson win.

I'm down on Carolina. I don't think 'it' is going to happen under Spurrier in the next five years. The change in attitude has not come. It may be getting worse. Metaphors about old dogs and new tricks abound.

UPDATE 2: It's hard to read, but Ron Morris is right. Some - maybe even most - of the players look like the don't care if they win or lose. Maybe they just want to get to the pros. Maybe they just want to hit the bong and go to 5 points. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe it's time recruiters started taking a hard look at who they bring in to Columbia. We need winners.

Have fun in the NFL, Jared Cook.

More thoughts on late night TV

2008-11-25T10:42:00.003-05:00

Another thing that really struck me about late night TV was the advertising. It's terrible.

See, most ads these days are anti-ads, they appeal to you by trying to be slightly ironic. They know you know its a commercial, so they want you to feel in on the joke as they sell you their beer or sneakers, etc.

Late night TV is not that subtle. Late night advertising is like a hammer of obviousness to your face, with a dash of completely weird sprinkled on your corpse. Here are some examples:

Air Wick commercials. The one I saw had a frog-mother type. These here are rabbits. Notice rabbit-mother, forced to entertain for drunken husband-rabbit. See husband-rabbit hung over, and later, aroused by Air Wick scents. See useless husband-rabbit inable to get lights on the Christmas tree. And the rabbit has an English accent, naturally.

Most of the commercials on late night TV are geared toward impoverished people, old people and people with health problems. It's incredibly depressing to watch, because you feel like defacto members of those groups. There are also the commericals for the "chat" or "talk" lines which may be phone sex-related. You find yourself repeating over and over, "I'm not old, I don't need Mucinex, I'm not dirt poor, I'm not dying." Except you know only like half of those things are true (I am pretty broke, and we're all dying).

This is why I need at least 100 channels. If I'm forced to linger on any one channel for too long, I start to notice things like in this post and the previous one, and my head starts to spin.

Thoughts on late night TV

2008-11-25T09:55:00.003-05:00

Spent some time watching television last night. I only have the basic, antenna-reception cable, and it was late, so obviously: Conan. His guest was X-Men star Hugh Jackman, who was on hand to promote Australia, the movie he did with Nicole Kidman and director Baz Lurhmann (all are Aussies).

So anyway, if you'd like, go watch his appearance on the show. (You can skip ahead).

Am I the only one completely creeped out by this?

The first thing they talk about is that he is 'Sexiest Man Alive.' And he tries to come off as a hard-ass, talking about his 'mates.' Then he whips out a wallet-sized photo of his People magazine cover, which he announces the audience will be lucky enough to have. The whole thing is odd. Maybe its only because I watch Entourage and think I know how this whole business works. How these talk shows and magazines basically collude to pump up the fame and egos of these guys that star in hundred-million-dollar movies.

There's no real substance there. He's faking it, whatever it is, and it comes off horribly condescending.

I'm not sure if anyone else is going to agree with me. But the audience seemed to be just as bored and/or confused.

BONUS POINTS HERE: For Conan. He tries to get Jackman (whom I like, for the record) to give an example of phrases that Australians use that Americans don't know or understand. The dude comes up with, "Kick the bucket," which is so trite and American a phrase they made a sappy old-man movie about it. Conan's response: Well, yeah, we know that one. "Shut the door means close the door..." he said. Nice.

And then the odd smuggling the buggie(sp?) thing, where he's basically like, "Hey, girls, let me talk about my kibbles and bits for ya, I'm sexiest man alive!" in that Crocodile-Dundee, my-knife-is-bigger-than-your-knife dick-swinging voice.

I hope this is not coming off as jealousy. I'm just offended by the canned questions and the obvious advertisements (more later). And the awkwardness was palpable. OK basically this guy can act and all but his charm is so forced and faked he comes off like a boob. Like the complete opposite of Clooney. That's just what I think.

I still might see that movie, anyway.

UPDATE: If you don't care enough about any of this, you can skip ahead in the Conan episode to Tom Morello, performing Whatever it Takes. I wasn't even sure what to make of this song at first, but I think it's pretty damn good. Watch 'til the end.

My stuff

2008-11-25T09:49:00.007-05:00

As promised, here is a breakdown of my stuff*

*Clothes omitted because they skew the graph.

Best Week Ever!

2008-11-24T10:52:00.003-05:00

Last week we had the most visitors to this blog since its inception. Thanks to all 15-20 of you.

The next week or so will not be as interesting, I'm sorry to say. With no internet at home, and only a few days of work (Thanksgiving), this blog will go relatively dormant.

***********

Sports

It appears we are heading into BCS controversy, with the 10-1 Sooners, Longhorns and Red Raiders clogging up the Big 12 South. I'm not sure there is any way to rationally argue one team over another, except to say that Texas Tech lost major points by not even competing with Oklahoma. But, then, USC only has one loss. And if Florida beats Alabama in the SEC Championship, that will be two SEC teams with one loss. It's a fine mess, but one that has made this season one to remember. (Unless you happen to be a Clemson fan, in which case this season has sucked royally. Ditto Notre Dame and their Sweaty Coach Charlie Donuts.)

*********

Politics

Bo-Oring. Wake me Jan. 20.

*********

Other stuff

I organized my room the other day. It was an odd experience, as I had all of my things strewn about my floor, organized according to their similarity (e.g., books, CDs, etc.). Later I may post a chart of some kind to give you insight into my "Stuff."

The only reason my "Stuff" really had any special significance to me is that I've been watching DVDs constantly, as my house is currently without cable or internet.

And one of my DVDs is called "Carlin's Best Stuff" and features this skit, titled "Stuff"

And that's enough stuff for now.

Which Wich: delicious, evil

2008-11-19T13:06:00.003-05:00

I thought of the idea for this post while consuming a few beers after one of those 14-hour work days that are becoming all too common (OK, well, I don't do 14 hours of work, but I'm at work for 14 hours, so the effect is ... similar).

Anyway I grabbed a Which Wich sandwich for dinner last night on a break from the job that pays me, and it was delicious. But it was also evil.

Here's how the place works for those of you not in the know. You go in, and there are ten bags you can choose from, each labeled with a sandwich type (Turkey, Italian, Vegetarian, etc.). So you pick a bag. Then there are a couple of sandwich options on there (For Italian: Grinder, Meatball, Pizza, etc.). You pick your sandwich option, using a red sharpie (provided). You pick your bread (White or Wheat). You then can check off all different types of sauces and toppings. (Oil and Vinegar, banana peppers, three different types of onions, mayo, etc.). Then you write your name at the bottom so they can call it out when they're done.

OK, so then you give the lady your bag, she charges you and forces a fake smile and punches your frequent-eater card. They hang the bags facing toward the preparer so that if you put a smiley face or a phallus or whatever on the back of the bag you can watch the progress of your sandwich. This step can be skipped if it's not too busy, or you can do it anyway just for the hell of it.

UPDATE: Ok, I'm editing here, I added this at the end. I've used the word sandwich throughout. Which Wich employees do not offer you the same courtesy. The call them "wiches," which I suppose reinforces the brand name or whatever. When they call out your sandwich and name, they say, "Hot wich for Steve," (if your name is Steve); it's kinda ridiculous when they're busy because it's like, um, I know what I ordered why are you telling everyone else? I'll stick with the full sandwich throughout because I hate abreevs, u kno?

END UPDATE

Here's where Which Wich is evil. The damn sandwich is too small. I don't know if insulting a sandwich's size carries the same weight as, say, insulting a man's package (two phallus references, one blog post, limit exceeded - blogger.com). It is true, though; the damn thing is smaller than say, Firehouse's medium, or Beezer's or Jimmy John's. But it's toasty and delicious, and it's fun to not have to talk much when ordering and always getting what you want.

OK I've stalled on the evil thing. It's evil because your instinct, upon your second visit and beyond, is to check off as much as possible when you're at the bag-scribbling part. Sure, you don't really want mushrooms and bell peppers and oil and vinegar AND mayo and mustard on that turkey sub, but you're worried you will still be hungry when the damn thing is over so you overcompensate. And it still tastes good, a little intense and weird, but good (it's toasted, I've mention this before).

While your taste-buds are working overtime and generally throwing a raucous party it's your stomach that has to clean up the morning after. Or, in the case of an overloaded Which Wich, it's usually about three hours later. I don't feel the need to get detailed here, but you know what I'm talking about.

(It's the shits, btw).

So there you have it. My review of Which Wich.

Want more restaurant reviews? Leave a comment. Pick a restaurant. I'll try to do it.

Jokes and jokes and...

2008-11-18T22:22:00.003-05:00

CNN sets it up, and I'll knock it out.

Astronaut loses tool bag during spacewalk

What...did he leave Matthew McConaughey on the moon?

Ohhhh...damn...that's right....

Thank you, CNN headline writers.

Accurate driving

2008-11-17T09:49:00.003-05:00

Basically, I'll try to impart an important idea about driving in this post.

The gist of the idea is this: Get out of my way.

But it certainly does not need to be that hostile.

Take this situational example. Every day I drive to work I take a right at the intersection of Woodrow St. and Devine St. What I like to do is turn right on a red light, because Devine isn't always that busy at 8:45 -- OK 8:52; I know, I'm usually running late. On most days this isn't a problem. But sometimes there will be an SUV, stopped there at the intersection, sitting evenly between the yellow line and the curb.

I'm trying to not make this sound too complicated. Move out of the way. If you are turning left, or going straight, get over toward the yellow line as far as you can. Put down the cell phone for 5 minutes and focus -- that's a big machine you're handling there, sweetheart, it would do everyone well if you paid it slight attention.

Same deal if there are two lanes.

Last night I was driving on Bull Street around the Elmwood intersection. There are at least two lanes that go straight. I noticed in my rearview mirror that the car behind me moved into the right lane. So I thought they probably were going to turn onto Elmwood. I moved over to the left, and what do you know, I guessed correctly.

To me, that's just common courtesy. It's the same reason I abstain from being an ass-hole for five seconds and let people cut in front of me when it seems the polite thing to do. Just a simple wave and it makes their driving easier, and because of that, mine.

Is any of this making any sense?

Drive accurately. Is that even possible?

I think it is. I think it should be taught in school, or something.

That's all.

BREAKING NEWS

2008-11-15T22:28:00.003-05:00

From the newsroom at CNN:

Second Life affair ends in divorce

This pig. Thinks he can cheat on his virtual/real wife online? With a virtual prostitute! Rumor has it he has virtual gonorrhea now. Go figure.

Real kicker is the last line:

Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.

I think I know that guy! For more virtual fun, start dating online now!

This site brought to you by match.com*

*not really, though

What I won't miss

2008-11-13T10:15:00.003-05:00

I'll be starting a news series here at I Hate, illuminating all the things I won't miss about the Bush administration.

Up first: People in important positions who like to wear cowboy hats.

Goodbye, all you John Wayne worshipping know-nothings. Thanks but no thanks to your applications for 2008. If I see one goddamn cowboy hat in Obama's cabinet I'm just going to vote for Nader until the day I die.

A Special Comment

2008-11-11T10:41:00.001-05:00

More here.

How it all could go to shit

2008-11-11T00:54:00.003-05:00

Christopher Hitchens is a smart guy.

In this essay, he's hedging his vote for Barack Obama. He's a little queasy with all this happiness and history that's going on. He's thinking maybe we've all forgotten that our troubles haven't magically gone away (and by we, I mean the ones who are actually enjoying the victory).

And I have no trouble being in complete agreement.

I think Obama will make for a terrific president. Of the people who ran this time around, he was the best choice by far. But I'm not stupid, previous post not withstanding. I can see how all this confetti can turn to ash.

The economy is pretty scary, but I'm pretty confident. I think it will rebound after a few years. It won't be pretty, but I have hope that Obama will act out of the best interests of the vast majority of Americans. I think we can emerge as leaders in the new economy. We will because we must.

That's not what worries me. What worries me is the unknown factor: terrorism.

The Bush Administration deserves as much credit for the absence of an attack on America since Sept. 11 as it does for the letting 9/11 happen on their watch. Which is to say, very little.

Few people saw it coming; the administration's failure was our failure. Since that time, no other attack has occurred, while some have reportedly been thwarted. Credit is due, but we cannot forget that Bush has drastically increased executive power, installed a culture of torture and trampled on rights we used to think were quite important -- Habeas corpus? -- and American . And lest we forget, we've lost more American men and women in Iraq than we did on 9/11. So success is really a relative thing, here.

Anyway, this isn't a history lesson. This is how it could all go to shit. If by some chance al Qaeda or some nutballs with simpathies, etc., manage an attack on America under an Obama presidency, the reaction, I imagine, will be quite different than when Dumbo sat and read the children's book for 7 minutes.

To conservatives, this will be all the ammunition they need. Their empty lines about appeasment and terrorists and their insinuations that Democrats are just faggy wimps who can't stand up to big, bag Arabs might take hold.

This is a danger to any Democrat in a post-9/11 world, where Republicans have taken the issue of terrorism and made it into a campaign slogan.

I fear, though, that Obama's newness and his differentness make him especially vulnerable. I only hope I'm proved wrong. Because I believe that the way to peace is not by torture and bombings and wars of choice. But we can be a trigger-happy country when we're attacked.

After 9/11, Bush was given the ultimate blank check: With a 90% approval rating, he had the ability to take us wherever he would like. He chose where we are now, which was not only a giant waste but an insult to those that died on that day. He fucked up so royally that he's now below Nixon's lowest approval ratings, and his presidency is a joke.

I only hope that in the terrible event of another attack that Americans give Obama the same chance. If they do, I expect him to lead with boldness and courage and righteous conviction. If they don't, then his presidency will have been a blip of hope on a dark period in our history. And the crew Americans so emphatically rejected in 2006 and 2008 will slither back into power, desperate, hungry and with revenge on their mind.

For now, it's perhaps best to savor the moment.

I paid all this money and all I get is a piece of paper

2008-11-10T22:31:00.002-05:00

I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired.

But I feel dumb.

Or, should I say, dumber. As in dumber than when I started college five years ago.

Sure, I probably know a lot more. And perhaps I'm a marginally better writer or whatever. Practice and experience always help.

But my brain feels like it's gears are ground down, like it's spinning and working and not really getting anywhere anymore.

This doesn't feel like wisdom.

As an anecdote, earlier I was trying to write about the gears of my brain. I kept typing "gears are grinded down." Like an idiot, I had to type grinded into this little dictionary program I have and it's all like, uh, hey dumbass that's not a word it's grounded.

So, stupid is as stupid does.

That's all I got for tonight.

Matt Taibbi hates the word blog

2008-11-06T16:56:00.005-05:00

I'm not the only one.

Rolling Stone political writer Matt Taibbi, one of my favorites, now has a blog up. And his first post details how much he hates the word blog. How nice to know we're in agreement.

It's too bad he didn't start this earlier in the campaign. But if you like a guy who calls people on their bullshit, Taibbi is unmatched.

UPDATE: Here's an excerpt from his blog, in hopes it pushes some of you rather foul-mouthed commenters toward his site:

I’ll say this about Michelle Malkin: she has a future in this business. I see her replacing Ann Coulter in that right-wing dipshit hierarchy. The last few times I’ve seen Coulter on TV, I haven’t been able to take my eyes off her Adam’s apple. By 2012 she’s going to be doing ping-pong ball acts at drag clubs in Reno. Malkin, though, she’s hardworking, dumb, and shameless, just like Sarah Palin, who I think has a big future four years from now. So get ready for more of this stuff. It’s only just started and they’ve got four long years of target practice coming.

The post-election wrap up post

2008-11-05T15:32:00.004-05:00

Wow.

What a night.

We may not know the final numbers for a few days, but by all accounts it was a huge day for Obama. He was right about where I thought in the popular vote (a resounding mandate for change) and he even picked up Indiana, which I thought would go to McCain by a few points. It appears late-breakers didn't flock to McCain, which is quite surprising but also very satisfying.

Once N.C. shakes out, I think it will be in Obama's column, which will bring his E.C. total to 364, right around where Bill Clinton was when he won in 1992.

I won't expound on this significance of this, or lament the shameful reactions of some right-leaning simpletons on Facebook. The former is beyond words in many ways, the latter isn't worth the energy. This is an exciting time in the history of our country.

The Democrats didn't sweep to 60 Senate seats, which is just as well. The focus on a filibuster-proof majority was misplaced anyway. Already we are seeing Obama call for cooperation and bipartisanship, with the possibility of filling his cabinet with members of the opposing party (like Lincoln). And he's talking about solving problems, not creating new ones. Unlike the White House's current occupant, I believe Obama will deliver on this promise.

McCain was exceptionally gracious in defeat, and I hope he will return to the Senate with the same passion and vigor he had before the campaign started.

Around the country:

Prop 8 passed, banning gay marriage in California. A dark cloud on a sunny day. Eventually, all of these discriminatory laws will get written off the books. It just is going to take a while longer now.
There was less than 1,000 votes difference between Norm Coleman and Al Franken in Minnesota, and a recount has been triggered (I think). Still, I doubt Franken will win, as he's behind right now. That's too bad -- he would have been the most entertaining and intelligent Senators in a long time.
Kay Hagen won despite a despicable ad that tried to paint her as an atheist, despite the fact she used to run a Sunday school. I'm glad the N.C. voters rejected that kind of dirty politics.
Alaska voted in Sen. Ted Stevens to another term despite his being convicted recently. Usually I would say something like, "All Alaskans have the intellect of their governor." But I think this just speaks to how huge Stevens is in Alaska. He's like their George Washington. I don't expect him to be in the Senate, which is a victory for the Internet. But it would have been nice to get a Democrat in there.

Obama!

2008-11-04T17:06:00.001-05:00

There may be nothing more boring than waiting in line for a half hour to punch a few buttons on a screen.

But damn that was a lot of fun.

Results to come!

Now taking orders

2008-11-03T17:18:00.003-05:00

OK, so while visits to my blog are as frequent as ever (thanks to all 15 of you, and some random hit I got from China), I've noticed a lack of comments, which must mean that I'm boring you with election nonsense that you couldn't care less about.

Fair enough.

I figured that I could have at least these past couple days devoted to the election seeing how it is tomorrow. And I'm sure to have a few post-election posts that your eyes will glaze over. But let's focus on the future a little. As in my future.

Because I've spent countless hours on this election the past year, and so now what am I going to do? I need a hobby. What are some cool sites to visit on the internet? What's a good way to waste time?

Is there anything you all would really love me to write about? More hating or less hating? (Too bad, it's probably going to be more).

Anyway, drop a comment, and I'll preempt the obvious attempt: don't offer some sort of woman-horse action Web site, please (man-goat acceptable).

Election widget

2008-11-03T12:21:00.002-05:00

I like...

2008-11-03T02:34:00.002-05:00

...this short blog post by George Packer. It sort of gets at why I'm a liberal and why, in many ways, conservatism just doesn't make sense to me.

Fuck Joe the Plumber

2008-11-03T02:04:00.004-05:00

I can't wait until McCain loses and this self-serving hack goes away forever.

Go stick your nose in a shit-filled toilet and keep your idiotic thoughts to yourself.

How's he paying the bills running around the country questioning Obama's loyalty to the country and saying a vote for Obama means the destruction of Israel?

He isn't plumbing that's for sure.

So let's cut the bullshit, thank you.

McCain-Palin 2008: because you might just be dumb enough to vote for us.

My official election prediction

2008-10-29T00:31:00.011-04:00

Well, it isn't really a prediction.

Basically I'm combining my two favorite polling sources and a betting site and making a guess, the only point of which will be another post where I share how right -- or wrong -- I was.

So to avoid any lack of crediting, here are my sources:

FiveThirtyEight -- named for the total available electoral college votes and run by experienced pollster Nate Silver. This gets top billing because I trust it the most.

Pollster -- run by Mark Blumenthal, it's much more user friendly than 538 and I place nearly as much trust in its trends.

Intrade -- although it has had some fishy moments, I place a good deal of value in its state-by-state predictions.

OK, here's the prediction:

Obama/Biden: 353 McCain/Palin: 185

Obama will surely win: MA, CT, ME, NH, RI, VT, NY, NJ, MD, DC, DE, PA, MI, NM, CO, CA, WA, OR, HI, IL, WI, MN, IA

Obama will probably win: NV, OH, VA

I bet Obama takes: FL, NC

McCain will surely win: SC, TX, AL, LA, MS, TN, KY, OK, AR, WV, KS, NE, ND, SD, AZ, UT, ID, WY, AK

McCain will probably win: GA, MT

I bet McCain wins: IN, MO

Basically, I don't buy that McCain has any shot in Pennsylvania. I think Obama has Ohio pretty well in hand. I think Florida and North Carolina will both be close for Obama. I think Georgia will be close, but will go to McCain. And I'm doubtful Obama can pull off Indiana. But it will be an overwhelming victory for the Obama ticket.

Obama - 52% McCain - 45.5%, with remaining 2.5% going to third party candidates.

All in all, a terrific day for Democrats.

**********************

Best of the rest:

The best Senate race is without a doubt in Minnesota, where incumbent Republican Norm Coleman is battling SNL's Al Franken. Third party candidate Dean Barkley, with almost no money, has made this an exciting battle. Although Barkley has little chance, he has opened the door for Franken to take it. This is too close to predict.

Other races to watch:

Liddy Dole likely to lose her seat in N.C.

Ted Stevens likely to lose his seat in A.K. following fraud conviction.

Saxby Chambliss, who won by defaming war hero Max Cleland in 2002, will probably still prevail in Georgia. If high African-American turnout puts Dem. candidate Jim Martin over the edge, it could be huge day for Obama and Dems.

I expect Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell to win in K.Y.

Watch Mississippi's race between Roger Wicker (R) and Ronnie Musgrove (D). A Dem win bodes well for them. Obama has been gaining in this deep South state.

Bottom line: Dems get 59 or 60 Senate seats (including Sanders (I-VT) but not Lieberman(mopey-CT), big majority in House, and a Democratic president.

Thanks Bush!

My official endorsement for President

2008-10-28T20:30:00.014-04:00

In 2004, I followed the election with all the cynicism of a snarky college freshman, convinced that South Park had it right: When all you have to choose between is a turd sandwich and a giant douche, you really have no choice at all.

I didn't vote. Truth is, I wasn't really sure if I could stand Kerry any more or less than Bush. Yet, when Bush won, I felt disappointed. My gut was telling me he was the wrong choice.

In that same year, I wrote a paper for my English class, one of the first college papers I wrote. It was about a young Senator from Illinois who roused the Democratic convention with his unbelievable story, his passion, and his soaring rhetoric. It was about Barack Obama.

By late 2007, I grew more convinced than ever how wrong George W. Bush has been for this country. I'm not going to list his failures here. This is about the direction we take on Jan. 20, 2009. By all accounts, it looked like it was Hillary vs. the Republicans. The return of the Clintons. My cynicism remained. I liked Barack but I didn't think he could win.

Then came Iowa, when Obama shocked everyone and won, with young voters pushing him over the top. I saw my chance: He would be coming to South Carolina, and my vote could help make him a candidate for president. This was for real.

My roommate and I went to see him with Oprah. I hate Oprah. But I loved Obama and Michelle. On Jan. 26, I slapped an Obama sticker on my car and drove around town, beeping my horn at all the supporters waving signs. I did what I consider to be the most important action of my short life and voted for Obama. My cynicism was gone.

After that came Hope. Yes We Can. This is Our Moment. Soaring speeches and tough debates. Obama kept his cool and kept on doing the impossible. It took forever but he finally won the nomination.

Since then, I've sobered up. I no longer think Obama will change the very nature of politics in America. He's more conventional than I thought. But in other ways, he's even better than I could have imagined. And my cynicism hasn't returned.

He's proven to be the more cautious and careful campaigner. He's attacked, but fairly. He's dodged bullets by taking them head on; he's stayed focused, never wavering or panicking. He's shown himself to be curious, intelligent and thoughtful. He's exactly the kind of president I want. Some jackasses call him the anti-Christ. But really, he's the anti-Bush.

I don't agree with him on everything. Sometimes I'm more liberal. Sometimes I'm more conservative. Sometimes I'm just plain crazy. But Obama's positions have always been measured and reasonable, and that's a breath of fresh air.

Along the way, I've talked with liberals and conservatives alike who were worried. Does he have enough experience? Are we heading toward socialism? What about this Rev. Wright guy? I've tried to answer them as eloquently as Obama (with mixed results).

This isn't meant to convince anyone. I could never state the case as succinctly as Colin Powell. If you haven't made up your mind by now, read this piece by David Sedaris. I'm merely letting everyone out there know: you have nothing to be afraid of. I've followed Obama for a long time now, and he has done nothing but continue to impress me. He will be an impressive president; a Clinton without the drama.

His race and his party may keep him from ever attaining atmospheric popularity, but I'm confident he has the best interests of this country at heart. On positions and on personality, Obama has presented himself as the most agreeable candidate.

A brief word on the opposition. I used to like John McCain ("Oh, you mean when he was a Democrat?" said a friend). But, no, really. He seemed to have developed a genuine independent streak, whatever his past as an underachiever and the whole Keating mess. But he threw that out the window in an attempt to win this election.

He's defended attacks he must know in his heart were unfair. He picked a completely unqualified candidate for V.P. because she was a woman and because she placated the nutball right-wingers that distrusted him. He's gruff, angry and impulsive. He made the cynical moves, and maybe he had to, with the election tilted towards the Democrats the way it was. But he's tarnished now, in my eyes, and he's made the decision that much easier.

The less we hear of Sarah Palin in the future the better. She is many things, least of all scary and dangerous. More on her later, if necessary. (I hope not).

So there is the choice. Between the desperate old man and a youngster full of hope and promise. Between progress and business as usual. Between the past and the future. Decide according to your own conscience.

I often give people this anecdote when they ask why I support Barack with such passion. As a person who obsesses over politics it was disheartening not having a major national figure I could get behind. Hillary? Edwards? Kerry? None were deserving enough for me. I wanted to be the old guy with the picture of JFK or FDR hanging on my wall. I was jealous. I wanted a president I could be proud of.

On November 4, I'm going to supplant my most important act with a vote for Barack Obama as the next President of the United States. It will make history. But that's a small matter. I hope it will make things better.

He's got a full plate. The hole George W. has dug may be too big to climb out of. But I can't think of any other person I'd rather have leading the way. And corny as it sounds, if he wins, I'll be putting a picture of him up in my room.

Californication

2008-10-28T10:55:00.006-04:00

Since the most consistent visitor to this blog is from California, I'd like to take the time out to highlight a very interesting situation in that state.

A recent state Supreme Court decision declared it unconstitutional to deny gay couples the right to marry, citing the equal protection clause in the state's constitution. Naturally, the only way to reverse that decision would be to amend the constitution.

Enter Proposition 8, which is designed to do just that.

What is so shocking about this case is that, according to the NY Times, it has attracted conservative religious leaders -- and dollars -- from across the country. They see this as a central front in the battle against gay marriage. From the ubiquitous Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, to the hip Rev. Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Drive Life and goatee wearer, religious leaders have lined up to take away the constitutional rights of gay men and women in the state of California.

Look, I understand that for some this is a sensitive moral issue. And I understand that states like South Carolina will probably never allow same sex marriage. But the simple fact is that these zealots are using fear, religion and children to promote their agenda of discrimination.

No one wants to force churches to perform ceremonies for gay couples. No one wants to force children to consider being gay alongside considering to volunteer or learning about science. If you're gay, you're gay. It's that simple. You should be able to marry any consenting adult if you so please. Denying that right makes no sense.

What will happen to marriage if gay couples are allowed to wed? Nothing. Easy-to-obtain divorces have already diluted the institution of marriage. There's nothing left to damage.

And really, how could gay marriage hurt straight marriage? How would allowing more people to commit to each other and raise children and live healthy lifestyles possibly hurt marriage? If anything, it may even strengthen it.

Look at some of the ads the "Yes on Prop 8" people are running:

Oh, the horror! Little Timmy and Sally will go to straight to hell once they find out about those evil, evil gay people! It will hurt our religious freedom! We will be ostracized because of our hatred of people based on their sexual orientation! The Bible has several vague verses which condemn gays, so, like, I say they shouldn't get married!

Give me a break. In America, you can believe what you want to believe. You can believe being gay is an abomination. You can believe certain races are inferior. You can believe that that everyone on the West Coast should be shot and killed. But you have no right to put that discrimination into law.

You can't turn the clock back on progress with discriminatory laws. We're passed the point where you can pretend gays don't exist by plugging your ears and covering your eyes, or that there is some 'cure' out there, as if being gay is a disease. Maybe you don't like it. Maybe you don't like interracial marriage either. Too bad.

Californians: Do the right thing. Reject conservative religious zealotry. We've come too far to put bigotry back into our institutions. Vote No on Prop 8.

I'll leave you with a few "No" vids:

*At least for this post, please keep your comments serious.

I Like...

2008-10-26T12:28:00.002-04:00

These YouTube videos, which I found linked on Andrew Sullivan's blog.

Featuring: The return of the Wassup Guys:

And, a brief overview of the VP situation in the McCain-Palin camp:

Time to retire...

2008-10-24T09:58:00.004-04:00

Driving to school/work* today, I was stuck at a stoplight next to a tan Honda CR-V. The SUV had both it's windows down and the young white kid in the front was tapping his fingers to the beat that was blaring from his speakers.

What song was it?

Back that Ass Up by Juvenile.

Seriously.

OK, this song needs to be retired. At first it was like a cool song that you were the man if you knew all the lyrics to. And the video had those vixens doing that popping thing with their booty. When you're in high school, that's like totally sweet I guess. Then, later, the song would come on and everyone would laugh and it'd be totally ironic as a bunch of white kids tried to imitate Juve'. But I'm thinking that the irony clock has run out on this song. Now it's just sad.

Is this really the song this guy wanted to hear at 9 o'clock in the morning? Not that rap is bad, but how about something from this decade? I cringe to think that Back that Ass Up is a classic.

I'm sure someone is already thinking of making a comment about how it is a classic, and how I'm wrong or whatever. So here's the video. Before you comment, watch the whole thing. And if you don't feel a little dirty or sad afterward, then you may proceed. And how horrible I feel for you if that's the case. Also you're required to be up early in the morning/not drunk.

*I've been having trouble with this lately, because I always say "work" even though it is "school." But I'm locked in a windowless office for hours and hours, stuck in a suffocating black cubicle. That's work. The only difference is I don't get paid, which essentially makes it suck more, and more work-like than school-like. So I'm sticking with "work" from here out.

No words...

2008-10-24T00:08:00.001-04:00

...can do this justice. Just watch:

Ok but, I just have one quarrel. If it's Thursday, and you're doing this "live" or whatever, you can't really get away with saying, "It's Saturday night!" I mean, it's not. It's Thursday. It's "Weekend Update" Thursday. So, why not just, um, not say that it's Saturday? Cuz it ain't. It's just not. Can't these people find a different way to introduce the show on a Thursday? This is just another example of why SNL is, while funny, just painfully awkward sometimes. They just don't think things through.

Read local papers!

2008-10-22T12:54:00.004-04:00

I may meander a bit, but stay with me on this one.

In the most recent issue of Columbia's Free Times (a solid free weekly) food columnist Eva Moore, her of thick-rimmed hipster glasses, has an article about local pizza joints written just in time for National Pizza Month to end.

At the risk of over-analyzing an article about pizza that clearly is one of those oh-damn-what-can- I-write-about journalistic things I usually read out of sheer empathy, I'm going to deconstruct what I find wrong with the article.

First, the headline, which Ms. Moore may not have written (not sure about the editing setup at FT). It says, simply: Eat local pizza!

I tried in an earlier post (scroll down) to express my contempt for liking something because it's "local" and this certainly cements it. Like something because it's good, not because it's local. I'm just as PO'ed as the next guy over the fact that chains are zapping the life out of cities, as McDonalds and Wal-Marts crush the last vestiges of originality. But that's no reason to blindly support something "local." If a lady is selling crappy coffee out of the back of her pickup truck, that's pretty local, but I'd rather go to Starbucks.

OK, there's that. I also take issue with her rather narrow definition of what a good pizza is, how a crust should be exactly as she likes it, and how the sauce needs to be "balanced," which I guess would help the pizza from falling over in the box or something. A good pizza can be any number of things, from big-slice New York-style to deep-dish Chicago style to Hawaiian style. Crust can be doughy and undercooked, or extremely crispy. You may not even need any sauce. Basically the only requirements for me is that pizza tastes delicious and can be eaten with your hands.

Next, let's look at her list of pizza places. I've always thought that Columbia had a terrific choice of pizza. I mean, there's almost way too many pizza restaurants around town.

She leaves Dano's off her list, which is criminal. It blows Pop's out of the water, even though the slices are smaller. Dano's pizza, when it's done right, melts in your mouth the way an expensive steak does. I had lunch there today after I got my hair cut. Little hairs sprinkled onto my pizza. It still tasted better than Pop's.

Next, she disses Mellow Mushroom's crust because it's undercooked. Well I like it that way, thank you very much. MM can be a little inconsistent, but I've never left disappointed (or hungry, or, for that matter, sober).

Pizza Man -- She got it right that you go there to see the regulars and to drink. The pizza is what it is. Probably didn't deserve mention.

To misquote 50 Cent -- Where's Za's? The first words on the damn Web site are "Locally owned." This alone should have sent the Free Times into convulsions. I should note I've never eaten here, but I've heard great things. I'm thinking about going on Friday. Hit me up.

And, in her most egregious error, she recommends Pizza Hut. Ugh. I really hope this was some sort of inside joke, but I'm doubtful. Pizza Hut is miserably gross.

Then, in short order, she trashes Papa John's. I like Papa John's. I like some people who work there. I like to eat their pizza. It's tasty. Plus they give you garlic sauce. Yummy. Papa Johns' knows how to make good pizza.

I mean, seriously Eva, who walks into a PJ's and orders a spinach alfredo pizza? What were you thinking? That's like ordering a burger medium-rare at McDonald's. No one should be that clueless. Next time try their white pizza.

Props, though, for avoiding Village Idiot. I was there last night. Um...I don't like that place. It had a weird, protective vibe about it, like somehow I was going to steal a chair. And then some girl actually accused me of stealing a chair she was saving, even though there were like 40 other chairs strewn about and I was only moving the chair to get to the bar, in hopes of getting a drink. I just gave her a look that was half What? and half Fuck you.

And I never did get that drink. PEOPLE: please move away from the bar after you are served I need my booze pretty please I'm not here to chat with you mindless fucks I just need that juice OMG GET OUT OF THE WAY.

I'm using all caps too much now, which is scary (as in, any time you use it is too much, but I think it's mildly appropriate above). I also messed up their/there like 10 times in this article, and I don't know why. I think I need a nap.

Ring back tones

2008-10-20T10:11:00.004-04:00

One time I was delivering wings and I had to call a lady to come down and get her chicken, OK? And so I called her and she had a ring-back tone or whatever where it plays music instead of ringing. It was a new Jack Johnson song, and at the time it was one of my favorite songs. The lady didn't answer so I had to call back a few times, but I didn't mind, because I kept hearing the song. And when she did finally answer, and came down for the chicken, she was gorgeous, with a megawatt smile and auburn hair and oh, her eyes, and yeah I probably fell in love delivering wings.

That's the good part.

Then comes this.

More and more I hear these ring-back tones as I deliver and I absolutely hate the songs. And when people don't answer I have to hear them over and over. And the song quality is horrible, and it's usually loud so I have to point the phone sort-of away from my ear while it's "ringing." From garbage rap songs to yee-hah country it's nearly unbearable.

So basically I can't stand ring-back tones anymore. They're the epitome of a self-absorbed mindset. Because, really, what is the point? How often does one call their own cell-phone? Almost never, unless you've lost it or something. The ring-back tone exists solely for those who actually call: friends, family, wing and pizza deliverers, potential employers, creepy guys from eHarmony.

If this really is for the benefit of the caller there is a tacit assumption you, the caller, will like my ring-back tone: you will like the song, you will like the song's volume, you will like the song's quality.

And, most of the time, I don't. So the whole purpose of the ring-back tone is moot. It's a failure. It just doesn't work.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Because while I'm sitting here waiting for you to maybe possibly answer the damn phone when I call, I have to endure some Toby Keith song over and over and over I think I may just take my phone and your chicken and throw it into the woods.

Bottom line: music is personal. If I want your recommendation, I'll be chipper enough to ask. Stop paying for the ring-back tone, because odds are you have a horrible taste in music, in my opinion at least. And I'm the one listening. So my opinion counts.

P.S. Jack Johnson lady . . . call me . . . I promise you free chicken.

Go Cocks!

2008-10-18T03:06:00.006-04:00

So, tonight I went downtown. And the LSU fans were out in swarms. Or bigger. They had almost complete control of Sharky's. They were everywhere.

And yet, I wasn't at all angry, like when there were too many Georgia fans in Columbia. LSU fans are possibly the most amazing fans to party with in the entire world. They dance to "Baby Got Back" without a trace of irony. They're just drunk. Extremely drunk. And dancing all the time, it doesn't matter what song. Until . . .

Yeah, they played "Callin' Baton Rouge." The LSU fans went wild.

Operator won't you put me on through
I gotta send my love down to Baton Rouge
Hurry up won't you put her on the line
I gotta talk to the girl just one more time.

I will admit, without any shame, that I sang along. Loudly. It's a damn fine song, especially when you're several beers deep, which, no matter the time, LSU fans probably are. They get HAMMERED. And they keep dancing and drinking and singing along.

I went to LSU and New Orleans once. It chewed me up and spit me out. It left me wanting more and robbed me of my dignity at the same time. I wanted to destroy the damn place, but then again, I never wanted to leave. They took my wallet from my pants pocket. They can have it. It was worth it.

And that Garth Brooks song. I'll always sing along to it. It's a great song. I'll still hold that we were louder when 2001 came on. Some dispute this. I'll take none of that.

This was, I'll contribute, my first trip downtown on a busy night since the smoking ban in Columbia went into effect on Oct. 1. You think the LSU fans went outside to have a cigarette, like so many USC-ers lined up? Not a damn chance.

Of course, you do notice the negatives. The girls are few and far between. And most of them have crooked teeth. Then again, maybe I was just at the wrong bar. There are too many LSU fans as is. But God Damn, those LSU boys get drunk no matter where they're at.

It's nearly impossible to hate an LSU fan. Their team is good. They have cool songs. New Orleans is hands down the greatest drinking town in the world. And Baton Rouge ain't too shabby either. I wouldn't want to drink anywhere else, SEC or the entire world. It's irreplaceable. Maybe I was just at the wrong bar. It's certainly possible.

UPDATE: But in case there is any doubt, I hope we beat their pants off and send them home miserable just like they did to us a year ago.

************

Random Thoughts

************

Isn't it interesting when you know someone knows you and yet you've never met that person? The tension is palpable. That person walks by you, it seems, again and again. You're constantly looking over your shoulder and yet you're cool with whatever happens. (Because you probably deserve it anyway).

Hell, it can be hard to be evil, or to be intrinsically mean. But it's a lot of fun to be the villain, to play that role. To know someone looks at you with disgust and all you can do to console that person is shrug and hope they get how cruel the world can be. If they're some idealist, you're nearly assured of a punch in the face. Luckily the idealists are dying off.

*************

Also, a simple comment, I hope this doesn't get me in trouble.

But it just seemed like a majority of the girls at Pour House on the particular night I was there all had a disability. Not something life threatening or even something that would fuck up your month, but just a slight "something-ain't-right-ness" -- be it a crooked tooth or a wobbly frame -- something is just a bit off.

*************

A quick note, as well.

I saw a girl tonight who was a dead ringer for April.

I mean, she was wearing a yellow jacket.

Oh, I can't express how amazingly hot that is.

If you're considering a Halloween outfit, I recommend April. She's the hottest cartoon next to Jessica Rabbit. Either of those would make you a Halloween queen.

That's all, good night.

Give me a break...

2008-10-17T13:33:00.002-04:00

None of these things automatically qualifies you as "cool":

"Supporting local music" - Big deal. That band sucks anyway and I've never heard any of these songs. I'm bored and here to drink, not to experience the sensation of my ears bleeding.
"Liking 'good' wine or coffee or whatever" - Try that java thing from Sonic. It tastes good. And it's from Sonic, which is normally disgusting. Dunkin' Donuts has good coffee, you don't need a damn 'local' shop (Although I do like Cool Beans). There's a fine line between having standards and being pretentious.
"Having a well-paying job" - Wow. I'm so impressed. Your work ethic is astounding. And you bore the ever-living shit out of me.
"Drinking top-shelf liquor" - In the time it's taken you to sip on that single-malt whatever, I've pounded six Beam and Cokes and I'm probably dancing on a table.
"Not putting off your work in class and blogging without any hope of a coherent point" - Yeah, and I bet you don't ever use double negatives when you blog either. Maybe you don't even blog. Oh God, you are soooo cool. I bet you think sarcasm is for people with no intellect. Go drink some local coffee and listen to a local band. I'm going to put on some Pink Floyd and drink some Bud Light until you appear somewhat interesting.

Here's a discussion for the comments section:

Why does this blog's author suck? Be specific.

I love...

2008-10-15T15:57:00.000-04:00

...this show

And you should too.

The S.C. State Fair

2008-10-14T15:43:00.001-04:00

Who goes to this thing?

Why?

What makes it fun?

Seriously, I'd like to know.

Rocky! Rocky!

2008-10-05T12:43:00.003-04:00

What a week for low expectations!

On Thursday, Sarah Palin survived the debate by regurgitating words she learned in a three-day debate prep, forming sentences that don't hold up when you actually listen to what she said, and somehow that qualifies as a gutsy, folksy, cutesy performance, one that exceeded expectations.

Well when you expect an airhead and instead get a mindless drone, I suppose that is a step up.

Then on display Saturday was the curious case of Kimbo Slice, the fighting phenom who was tearing up the MMA world with his shocking power and his sensational YouTube videos.

Or, perhaps the more honest introduction would have went like this: Capitalizing on the excitement young adolescents feel when they watch bum fights on the Internet, a jacked former homeless man videotapes himself punching the crap out of half-wits and neighborhood morons, sending their shellacked asses to the ground time and time again.

Because Kimbo found out what Americans actually like in a fight: not grabbing, kicking, scratching and failing arms, but a good clean knockout. BAM! Right to the jaw.

The rise of MMA and the rise of knockout videos on the Internet are two parts of the same phenomenon. I'm not necessarily saying that's a bad thing: Give the people what they want. And I enjoy a good knockout video as much as the next guy.

But let's be clear. Just because you have a good punch doesn't make you a good athlete or the next big thing in sports. It makes you a YouTube star and a circus sideshow.

So it's no surprise that, just four fights into his "professional" MMA career at CBS, this happened to Kimbo Slice:

Yeah, just a few seconds in, and Kimbo catches a surprise right from the guy with pink hair who filled in for Ken Shamrock.

And how did the announcer react? Like it was the greatest sporting moment since the 1980 Miracle hockey team:

Rocky! Rocky is here!
Seth Petruzelli shocks the world!...
The most INCREDIBLE. VICTORY. In the HISTORY of MIXED MARTIAL ARTS!
Seth Petruzelli! IT can HAPPEN. BE-LIEVE!...
If you have a dream. If you're willing to step into a cage and fight for your life.
YOU! Can be anything you want...

Meanwhile, newly anointed Rocky is running around like he just got away from a rabid bear and is torn between celebrating and looking around to make sure Slice doesn't come out of nowhere to hit him in the face. Because he has shown a little brutality before.

Am I only the one who feels this whole nonsense is a little fake? A little too much WWF and not enough like anything resembling a real sport? Something like wrestling turned reality show minus a cohesive story line?

All that really happened was a 34-year-old over-hyped steroid-fueled street menace was dropped with a lucky punch by some dumbass who decided pink highlights was the way to stand out in a crowded MMA world.

And there we have this jackass CBS announcer acting like this is important? He says History! like this fight actually matters in the great story of the world.

So next time you hear about an Internet phenomenon, think bum fights. The next time you hear some idiot rant about history, think: Will this really matter? When we expect our sports heroes to do nothing but create cool YouTube videos of their awesome "knockouts," well, that's just more low expectations. Any idiot can make a YouTube video.

Please, watch all the knockout videos you want, but remember that Muhammed Ali and Kimbo Slice don't belong in the same sentence. They don't even belong in the same book.

Elsewhere...

2008-10-04T09:55:00.002-04:00

First this...

Now this:

O. J. Simpson Found Guilty in Robbery Trial

You betcha!

2008-10-03T09:20:00.003-04:00

The only reason to watch the debate last night was the small possibility that a national candidate would melt under the klieg lights and do something that completely screws over their running mate. Sarah Palin was about 50-50 to do it; Biden's odds were better, though he could have been equally destructive.

But, as predicted, both candidates were up to snuff. Biden can still be a little ridiculous but he toned it down and focused on McCain. Most of Palin's sentences were somewhat well formed, but, some were not (read down to No. 11).

With expectations so low, Palin almost had to stare blankly for 20 seconds in order for someone to scream, "Gaffe!" I mean, if you're only casually listening, it sounds like she's making all the usual points. But when you break it down, what she really does is throw together a bunch of words semi-coherently then, when she's in a panic, throws in some sort of faux folksy nonsense, like "You betcha!" or "Gee, you know."

And she also says the word "also" way too much, and for seemingly no reason. If she makes two points in secession, she just throws the also at the end of a sentence. It sounds awful, but I bet her slight nervousness and the (supposed) charm of her accent more than cover for how dumb she sounds.

But I think people are wise to her game. They know she was too good to be true (A hockey mom who can run the country!). They see her for what she truly is (An ideologue and a zealot who doesn't have a strong enough grasp on what's going on in the world).

So I'm not too worried. If anything, it just sort of prolongs the agony (More interviews!).

Rising to the top - on straight B.S.

2008-10-02T16:34:00.004-04:00

Everyone who has written too many English papers or gotten away with not paying attention in class and still got a passing grade knows the savior that is the term bullshit.

It's uses are many:

Man I bullshitted that answer.
That was pure bullshit.
I BS'ed my way through that whole class.

As any bullshitter (and I count myself among the best) can tell you, when you resort to this tactic, it's really simple: Know some key words and phrases, throw them together, try to make it sound complicated and be extra confident. The hope is that whoever is doing the grading is simply too busy to notice.

With that small introduction, I'd like you to consider the ultimate in bullshittin': Sarah Palin. A woman who has taken the most basic Republican talking points, mixed them up with some down-home, hockey-mom bullshit, and has managed to not only become governor of the great state of Alaska, but the Republican nominee for vice president.

Past presidents have lied, but they did it because they were smart, not to hide their intellectual deficiencies. (W. never even tried to hide them.) But watch some videos of Palin and it becomes clear that she's so full of shit it just has to come pouring out of her mouth.

I'm not going to expound on this too much. I'll merely laugh at the obvious comparison.

And yeah, I kind of feel bad for her. All that new training and those vocab words are just jumbled up in that simple God-fearing brain of hers. Some people find it endearing. Most are starting to find it scary.

And that's some real shit.

Oops

2008-09-29T16:04:00.005-04:00

Much to my dismay, I was late getting home to watch the debate. So the whole drinking thing went out the window. (I was at a sushi place eating dinner...ate too much...but it was delicious).

Anyway, I'm not even sure a case of beer could have made the debate interesting. It was a sleeper for sure. I think I'd have better luck with the Palin-Biden debate (but I'm not going to promise to do that).

I kept switching back to college football when McCain was answering. Honestly I don't think anyone is going to pick the next president based on their reaction to the fighting in Georgia.

So that's that.

Maybe the next one will be better. I want some fireworks!

P.S. Obama had a narrow victory, in my view (and in the polls).

Debate tonight

2008-09-26T13:26:00.006-04:00

I'm well aware the few people who actually read this space probably do not have the same passion for politics that I do.

So, in the interest of trying to write something someone will actually read, I'm going to try to make the first presidential debate interesting by adding a bit of fun to the proceedings.

Specifically, heavy amounts of booze.

In probably my worst decision since whatever the hell happened last weekend, I'm going to play a debate drinking game and write down my thoughts as I go along. Whatever I write, I'll post here on the blog. I can't promise I'll get it up there tonight though, because judging by the rules, I'll probably black out before 10 p.m.

The debate is 90 minutes long and starts at 9 p.m.

My rules are as follows, borrowed and modified from this guy's blog.

Take a drink when...

When someone says "change," "hope," or "maverick."
When someone says "I voted for/against" or "He voted for/against"
When McCain mentions his POW experience
Whenever McCain says "my friends"
Whenever Obama compares McCain to Bush
Whenever Obama talks about "his story"
Whenever either one claims to be bipartisan
Whenever someone utters the "Main Street...Wall Street" line (I live a few blocks over from Main Street so I guess I'm fucked either way)
Whenever someone says 700 billion
Whenever one of them lies (I'll be the judge)

Chug a beer when...

Sarah Palin is mentioned by name
McCain clearly loses his temper
If Obama messes up so bad it makes me want to chug a beer

I can't promise this will be coherent, or even fun to read. But I can promise you I'll have a good time doing it.

Why you should care

2008-09-24T01:18:00.006-04:00

Although I respect one's right to be divorced from the political process, with all its dishonesty and the frustrating sense that your opinion doesn't matter, I just can't see how one can turn away from this 2008 presidential election, considering the direct impact it will have on your wallet.

Let's say someone walked up to you and reached into your pocket and pulled out your ATM card. That person walks to the bank and withdraws more than $2,200, and just walks away.

You'd be incensed. You'd feel robbed and cheated. And you'd be right.

That's a conservative estimate of the average cost to a tax payer from the proposed $700 billion Wall Street bailout. But you can't go to the cops after this robbery. Your only recourse for getting that money back is a politician standing up for you in Washington, promising not to punish you for the failures of those financial fat cats who can't stop sniffing their own ass and reaping millions of dollars in profit.

Barack Obama says we need to worry about three things. That's good, but that's not enough. McCain says it might cost each household $10,000, and that the money shouldn't go to rich CEOs. That's good, but not enough.

Demand more. Write them e-mails. Let them know that the person who shows real leadership on this issue, and all issues, will be the one to win in 2008.

Almost everyone agrees this election is about change. But change is already here. Wall Street will soon be unrecognizable. I'll admit, I don't understand exactly what's going on here. I'm not sure anyone does. This has even the smartest economists scratching their heads, and making educated guesses (which is pretty much the whole of the study of economics).

But as a young voter, I'm just thinking, "What the fuck?" What did I do to suddenly find myself in this difficult situation? It's exasperating. Soon I'll find myself out in the workforce, in a shitty economy, with a nearly worthless degree and a pile of student loans. Thanks for that. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to.

I'm not worried, though. America has seen worse, and has rebounded because of sensible regulation and effective leadership. Of course, in the absence of those two things (see Bush, George W.) you get nonsense like this.

Elsewhere

In Carolina Reporter, we've been working on a story about gas prices, and how they were less than $1 per gallon just ten years ago. Remember who was president then? I bet Oval Office blow jobs seem like a small price to pay for such good economic times.

Watch President Clinton on Letterman. I'm not even sure if what he is saying is true, but I believe it. Dude's such a good politician, it's scary. He's much more skilled than Obama. That might be merely because Clinton is so much more comfortable with a good lie, but it's the case nonetheless.

Of course, Chris Rock ripped him a new one just moments later.

Sam Harris, one of my favorite authors, writes a nice Newsweek article on the Moose Hunter.

And in the surprise of the century....

Also: I'm going to start a long piece on a controversial cult made famous by bartender Brian Flanagan (aka Maverick). Is this something anyone is interested in? Leave a comment. Or don't, whatever.

I like...

2008-09-23T01:09:00.004-04:00

the new PC commercials. Ok? The first ones with Jerry Seinfeld were no good. Just confusing, really. But this one is like what Obama needs to be doing in his campaign. Good advertising.

That's all.

Goodnight

Jesus is a friend of mine...

2008-09-22T03:08:00.003-04:00

I'll link to a site I often visit for some righteous outrage, humor and awesome cartoons.

Or just watch the vid below.

Elsewhere...

2008-09-22T02:36:00.004-04:00

Credit where it's due, not where it isn't.

Just to change things up, a little praise for Bush & Co. A great short piece by George Packer gives 43 some credit, then goes on to explain why we should be fearful of McCain-Palin (and yes, perhaps, Obama-Biden).

"A lot has been written lately about the dishonest tactics of the two tickets, especially McCain-Palin. The problem with a campaign based on relentless message discipline, repeated falsehoods, and the habitual perversion of language is that none of it stops after election day. You can’t be indifferent to truth for months on end and then suddenly return to straight talk. If McCain should win, Steve Schmidt won’t be in charge of the new Administration, but his spirit will. Prostitutes hardly ever go straight: the mental atmosphere of a campaign becomes the mental atmosphere of a government. And the results aren’t pretty—ask any Iraqi."

Even though I'd rather cut off my own foot than vote for McCain, I am worried that Obama is coming of age as a campaigner, not as an elected leader. I still feel he is capable of great things, but I hope he knows how to pivot from campaigner to leader in January 2009. As I wrote once when I was fed up after another Clinton victory, "The qualities needed to be elected president, and the qualities needed to be an effective president once elected, are at best mutually exclusive and unrelated, and at worst wholly at odds with one another."

Quick thought

2008-09-21T14:13:00.004-04:00

Flip flops are extraordinarily versatile and low-maintenance, as far as footwear goes, but as I learned this weekend, they come with a catch.

If any part of the three-pronged strap somehow breaks free from the sole, what you're left with is essentially useless: a dirty, slightly smelly piece of worn rubber.

In my case, the front thong part snapped off, and attempting to use the sandal after that was like trying to chew food with a loose tooth, only less painful and more annoying.

I was always a flip flop hater until I moved south, where I quickly grew to love the sandal alongside sweet tea, grits and Carolina football. I regarded them as more essential than oxygen. I'm sure broken flip flops are old hat for many, but my useless sandal has forced me to downgrade their importance just a bit. They now rank somewhere above dishwashers.

The bubble shall burst...

2008-09-17T01:24:00.003-04:00

So, I'm going to start blogging again, some two years after I first started this blog. My hope is that I'll write something useful enough that my friends will find it worth reading, and then we'll go from there.

I'm not going to say much in this first post other than this. The Palin bubble will burst. Like many other Godless freaks rooting for Obama, this whole Palin nonsense hit me like a train driven by texter. I just didn't see it coming. But the polls are beginning to come around. This fad will pass. I think people would rather have a good economy than a vice president who hunts moose. But, then again, maybe I'm wrong.

It's good to be writing again.

I'm so cereal right now.

2006-05-17T01:47:00.000-04:00

It’s been raining a lot lately, and I’ve noticed something of interest…I hate intermittent windshield wipers. Sure, maybe its because I’m jealous, and yes, my car only has two wipers speeds, but that’s all you should need! My two speeds are as follows: high, which is for when you can’t see past the hood of your car its raining so hard; and low, which is for everything else.

God, how pompous must these ass-holes with six different settings must be? What do they analyze the clouds and frequency of rain-drops?

“My my, Claude, look at those cumulus clouds, this calls for wiper level four, don’t you say?”

“Not sure, Niles, we could be in for wiper three, but God forbid you are forced to see the wiper pass before your eyes any more than is absolutely necessary.”

“Yes, yes, one time I set it to level five and it was clearly a level three day. I spent the next week at the spa having my colon cleansed. I felt so…dirty! I can’t wait
until the new Benz comes out, I heard it has 95 different wiper settings.”

Why are all of the best technologies in the most useless areas? I can have no-touch towel dispensers, sinks and toilets in a public bathroom like we’re on the cusp of some space age shit and yet we are seemingly miles away from flying cars. I want some fucking flying cars and I do not think that is too much to ask.

Anyway back to my original complaint. If you actually take the time out to decide which wiper setting to use because you want to minimize the number of times you see the wiper I think you need to be shot.

No sex-toy sales in SC?

2006-04-24T19:59:00.000-04:00

I first read about this story in Wonkette. Apparently a State Rep. from South Carolina (Boiling Springs, no less) proposed a bill that would make the sale of sex toys illegal. Really. Honestly. The full AP story is here.

Most of the good jokes have been taken already by Wonkette commentors and others, such as colinsmith who asks, "Does this apply to produce?" It really does cast the legality of the Farmer's Market in a whole new light (if the bill passes). Will it require that someone sign a release assuring the salesperson that the cucumber or squash the customer bought will not be stuck in any other hole besides the mouth? And even in that case, not in a seductive manner? Also: chains, whips, feather boas...I mean technically isn't lingerie just a form of a sex toy? The language in the bill says that anything "designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs" is a no-no to sell. That's a pretty vague and possibly all-inclusive definition. But I'm glad my non-human genitals are still OK. Maybe now they need to just have each toy marked "For Dogs Only" to get around this dumb law. I'd love to see the court transcripts if this law gets passed and challenged. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem likely to pass any time soon.

What really amazes me is how a state that is already backwards could possibly see this as a useful way to occupy time. Are there legions of teenagers who are using sex toys to the overall detriment of society? I mean, this is a state that rates near dead last in both education and STD rates. How can this guy possibly think he is serving South Carolinians by proposing this law? Hey buddy, fix the damn schools first then we can worry about your wives not being able to buy a pocket rocket.

Here is the bio of Representative G. Ralph Davenport, Jr., who proposed the bill, if you happen to be interested.

Greta Van Susteren = "Capote"!?!?

2006-04-19T04:03:00.000-04:00

For anyone who missed the extremely anti-gay Pastor Fred Phelps on Scarborough Country going toe-to-toe with guest host Michael Smerconish, certainly check it out. I wish I could paste in some pictures of Smerconish's facial expressions, they are priceless. Pastor Phelps's platform is so utterly ridiculous that it becomes very funny! (Exception being when he interrupts funerals for Iraq War Veterans -- thats not funny at all and is actually disgusting).

Anyway, Phelps got his mic cut off by a clearly frustrated Smerconish, who mocked Phelps's repeated statement "fiery eyes." Some of the stuff Phelps says is so off-the-wall I think he enjoys pulling it out of his ass. I decided to check out the website that Phelps is in charge of and he released a hilarious press release (PDF) ripping Smerconish. Quoting from that release:

Scarborough Country = "Brokeback Mountain"
...Mr. Scarborough was AWOL. Sent a bald-headed, pig-eyed troll named Michael Smerconish to referee...the troll began flailing his arms, yelling for somebody to cut off Pastor Phelps' mike. Quoth he: "I've had all I can take from the man with fire in his eyes." MSNBC-TV pulled the plug on Phelps - symbolizing how our antichrist mass media and homofascist America have pulled it - at the punch line: "Like ancient Sodom, America is doomed." It was precise. It was dramatic.

I like how he took it upon himself to declare Mr. Scarborough's absence unoffical. Are they going to start interviewing the guy on the street corner yelling about the End Times and giving him national TV time? Is this whats next? So everyone else doesn't have to read about this Phelps character, basically he has a church made up almost entirely of similarly brainwashed family members who think that anything bad that happens to America is God's way of punishing us for condoning homosexuality. Riiiiight.

P.S. This guy could totally get a sitcom/reality show.

Where am I?

2006-04-04T18:04:00.001-04:00

Columbia, South Carolina seems to be the easiest answer to my inquiring title. But that cannot be the answer, can it? No way this is normal, everyday America I am living in.

Case and point, my Tuesday afternoon visit to Hardee’s. It’s only two minutes away, there should be no obstacles between me and my 2/3 lb. Thickburger.

But right away I am forced to alter my route to avoid a long line of traffic caused by a train moving at 2 mph, blowing its horn, apparently to warn the turtles, three-toed sloths and injured Veterans with no appendages to move out of the way. The warning can’t be for any normal person, they’d have time to see the train, read a Tolstoy novel and politely move out of the way. They might even have time to engage in a conversation with the conductor of the train, the one in the “If I have to stay up ‘til 3 am driving this fucking train then you will too” t-shirt.

With my first turn diverted by train traffic, my third turn was equally altered, this time by a car accident. Car accidents in Columbia are as common as post-Sonic shits, so it was no surprise. But seeing the cones and the police cars and the fire engine that came to make sure the car didn’t blow up, I can only imagine the taxpayer cost of these accidents. Which brings me to one actual conclusion of this rant, that drivers licenses are way too easy to get.

Think about it: there is a reason not everyone plays an instrument, is a doctor or a pilot. Some people are good at some things and not so good at others. But me not being able to play the trombone and playing it anyway probably isn’t going to kill anyone directly. However, people who are terrible at driving but do it anyway will most likely kill people.

The fact is that there are far too many dumb, ditzy, arrogant, spaced-out, cell-phone-jabbing, kid-in-the-backseat-hitting, clueless morons on the road these days. Each time I drive in Columbia it’s a calculated risk I know I’m taking. I fear for my life behind the wheel, and rightly so. But a Hardee’s 2/3 lb. Thickburger is most definitely worth the risk.

I know why they let people on the road so easily, it's pure economics. People wouldn’t buy cars if they were told they sucked at driving too much to enjoy the privilege. As a further result, without their precious manslaughter-mobiles people wouldn’t be able to go to malls, movie theaters and Wal-Marts. (Unless of course the government came up with a viable public transportation system, thereby also reducing our dependence on foreign oil, but expecting any real progress from our government is asking for too much, I know).

So after successfully dodging trains, traffic, accidents and pedestrians on the two minute drive, I finally arrive at my destination, Hardee’s. My anticipation of the 2/3 lb. Thickburger is mounting. I walk in and place my order, asking for the #7 Combo, with the student discount that gets me free fries and a drink. There’s a sign right next to the cashier advertising the discount. Easy enough, right?

Wrong.

The cashier, a managerial-type, starts to lecture me on how to correctly order the student-discount combo. At first I don’t even realize he’s talking to me, I thought he was talking into the drive-thru headset he has on his head. But then I gather the conversation he’s having with himself is about my order!

“Order just the sandwich next time if you want that discount, because I already put in the combo and now I have to redo the order,” he says. “Most cashiers won’t understand, so next time just ask for the sandwich and then the discount.”

“You understand what I’m trying to say?”

I muttered a “yea” from my dry, gaping mouth. I’m paying this guy money and its my prerogative to learn the correct way to order? Is this the Soup-Nazi from Seinfeld? Are his cashiers really so dumb they can’t listen to my order and then type it in correctly?

I’m also getting nervous, because as he’s trying to teach me how to order, he keeps referring to #4. I ordered a damn #7, the 2/3 lb. Thickburger. If I get a #4 this guy is going to be washing it off his cute Hardee’s polo. Luckily when my meal comes he got it right. I still think he’s talking about how to order but I’m not even hearing him at this point. I take a little over half an hour to finish that bad-boy Thickburger, enjoying every bit as I read my Columbia City Paper.

Then I leave Hardee’s, which is always a spectacle, because it is a common hang out for some of the city’s homeless population. So I mildly brace myself to have to turn down requests for money or listen to a cracked-out guy tell me to have a nice day ten times in a row. That would have been normal. But that did not happen.

Instead, as I am unlocking my door a nicely dressed, clean cut guy, about 22 years old, walking along the sidewalk starts to talk to me. He has a backpack on, so I assume he’s a student of some sort.

“Uh excuse me,” he begins, “I really like those sandals, where’d you get those?”

What???

What the hell kind of question is that? First of all, he was not even near enough me to get a good look at my sandals. I was hurriedly getting into my car, not modeling my footwear. He was wearing rather expensive looking sunglasses, so I couldn’t tell if he glanced down towards my feet, but if he did, why? Is he scouring the sidewalks of Columbia looking for a good pair of sandals on other guys’ feet? I had jeans on and they covered nearly every visible part of my sandals. How did he know they were nice? It seemed to me like he just invented the question after he decided to talk to me. There was a pause between “Excuse me,” and the question that led me to believe he just wanted to be completely random. Ask me where the nearest Laundromat or music store is. But where I got my sandals? Come on.

I told him, stammering, that I got them at Kohl’s in Spartanburg. I fully knew this answer wouldn’t appease him, and purposely didn’t tell him the brand name. Don’t ask me weird questions and I won’t give you useless answers.

Where am I?

Have I stumbled into a different dimension? Is this a weird alternate universe? Should I really expect to be panhandled and bothered only to get asked about my partially visible sandals and be completely confused by it? This can’t be normal, everyday America. People wonder why I rarely like to leave my apartment, this is why. I get confused too easily by things that surround me. All I wanted was a Hardee’s 2/3 lb. Thickburger.

On the drive home I saw yet another accident. A T-bone that crushed the entire side of a sedan. It didn’t look pretty, call out the fire-trucks. Oh, but they are busy down the street, because the fire alarm at West Quad A-building is going off, leaving scores of students lining the street as a painfully loud alarm echoes off the building’s walls. I think I’ll order in for lunch next time.

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